help i need to laugh and fast!!!!!?

Question

ok well i have had the worst day of my life.can anyone tell me any funny jokes to make me laugh????

Answer 1

a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all rob a bank. as the police are chasing them, they all dive into an alley and hide in potato sacks. the officers enter the alley and kick the first sack which has the redhead, and the redhead says, "MEEEOW!" and the officers go, oh, it's just a cat. and then, they kick the second sack which is the brunette, and the brunette goes, "Bark, Bark!" and the officers go, it's just a dog. so then they kick the third sack and it's the blonde and the blonde says, "POTAAATOES!"

lol, hope this cheers you up!

Answer 2

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Answer 3

A handsome man gets on a bus of ugly people. About halfway through the trip, the bus crashes. Tragically, everybody on the bus dies. When they meet at the pearly gates, St. Peter says he will grant each person one wish. The first guy who came up had scars on his face and a big mole. He said, "Could you make me handsome?" With a tap of a finger, St. Peter made the man flawless. He did this with the next person in line, (who was a woman, if you wanted to know), and made her beautiful. The line of people caught on to this idea, and soon weren't hideous anymore. Finally, the last man in line, (who was the handsome man who got on the bus), went up to St. Peter, let out a loud laugh, and said, "Make them all ugly again!"


























































Have a nice day! LOL!

Answer 4

There was this guy on an airplane. He has to go to the restroom, but all of them are full. He asks the flight attendent if he can you the women's restroom. She says "Yes, but don't press the three buttons by the toilet." So he takes a piss, and he sees the three buttons. He presses the first one, and it powders his butt. He presses the second one and it massages his butt. He presses the third one, and when he wakes up, he finds out he's in a hospital. He sees the flight attendent, and asks, "What am I doing here?" She looks at him really amused and says, "I told you not to press the buttons. It was an automatic tampon remover."
Disgusting?... Yes... Hilarious? Heck Yeah!

Answer 5

A boy was playing with himself in his room so loudly thay his father walked in and said"Son, if you don't stop doing that, you're going to go blind" The boy responded."Dad I'm over here."

Here's a seconded one;

A kindergarten class was given a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the classthe next day. When the time came to present what thay'd found. the first little boy walked up on to the front of the class and made a small dot on the blackboard. Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.
"It's a period," said the boy.
"What's so exciting about a perio?' she asked.
"Damned if I know." said the boy. "but this morning my sister was missing one, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the man next door shot himself."

Hope those were funny enough to brighton your day.

Answer 6

maximum human beings in rapid nutrition places are in no way like what they are on television maximum of them are impolite. If absolutely everyone seen somebody on an advert with nostril rings and tattoos they'd not opt for to pass i would not individually i think of nostril rings could desire to be bumped off on a similar time as in a rapid nutrition joint they are disgusting it makes human beings seem in simple terms like a thug.

Answer 7

the difference between a new dog and a new wife is that after a year the dog is still happy to see u



why is the president driven everywhere he goes?





cuz the secret service doesnt want him DUIing

Answer 8

if your blonde please dont be offended:

Q: Why did the blonde die in a helicopter crash?
A: She got cold and turned off the fan

A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.
She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."
The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

A brunette goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor I'm hurting all over my body."
"That's odd", replied the doctor, "Show me what you mean"
So the girl takes her finger and pokes her elbow, and screams in pain. She touches her knee and cries in agony and so on.
The doctor says, "You're not a natural brunette are you?"
"No I'm a blonde", she replies.
"I thought so.... your finger is broken.", replies the doctor.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.
Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.
Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Answer 9

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html...

Answer 10

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Awww! Poor babies!
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And how come people go up very tall buildings, to pay to look at the ground?

HA HA HA HA