My FMIL wants to be part of the wedding party! What do I do?

Question

My future father in law said to me that his wife would like to be "part of the wedding party."

OK, that means she wants to be a bridesmaid, right? I couldn't believe it. I have never seen or heard of 1. people inviting themselves to be bridesmaids and 2. older/mature women being bridesmaids. I thought bridesmaids are all invited by the bride and they are the bride's sisters and close friends/relatives.

Please kindly tell me if
1. Wedding party is the same as bridal party (please correct my understanding if it's wrong)
2. How I should deal with the situation if she does indeed want to be a bridesmaid.

I don't hate my FMIL, but her request is way too weird. I don't want her to be my bridesmaid! Never!

I really appreicate everyone who's trying to help me here! Some more details:
1. The FMIL is not a stepmother; she's my fiance's real mother from birth.
2. I don't have a religion; his family is Anglican.
3. His family is white caucasian/Anglo-Saxon.
4. She does not have a history of being weird.
5. True, I have not talked to her about her request personally.

Answer 1

she is part of the wedding party...she is the mother of the groom...that is her role....ignore the rest.....it's your day and that is just plain silly...But....choose and ask your bridesmaids without delay.....good luck

Answer 2

Can you give some more information? I'm beginning to think that your future father in law's wife is actually your fiancée's stepmom...why else would he ask on her behalf??? Just about all weddings, the bride is walked down by her father and the groom his parents (of course there are exceptions)...is your fiancée's parents divorced...to me that would be the only reason she is asking to be in the wedding party because his mom will be walking him down and there would be nothing for her...

Now if this does turn out to be your fiancée's mother than I am very confused because the mothers of the bride and groom are very active and have a special part in the wedding party but never as a bridesmaid...they will walk down the isle, the same as the bridesmaids, etc...but each has there own separate roles in the wedding...I mean when they are announcing the bridal party during the entrance, the grandparents and parents are always announced separately from the bridesmaids...they all make up the bridal party but I never heard of a mother or future mother-in-law being a bridesmaid or matron of honor unless the bride was EXTREMELY close with her...

Bottom line is, and I quote "I don't want her to be my bridesmaid! Never!" ...it is your wedding...your special day...so whatever you decide, everyone has to follow...think about this, if you give in, this will set a path for the rest of your life that they will always be in control and get what they want...I've heard stores of people (relatives) saying they won't go to the wedding if "this" isn't done...you do what you want and no one else...

I think you know what you need to do...Good luck and Congratulations :)

Answer 3

You are a very lucky woman if your mother-in-law-to be wants to be part of the wedding party!! She obviously approves of the marriage and can be your greatest ally if you handle things right. One point - SHE didn't ask you, the FFIL passed on the message. Please remember the old adage of "second-hand-messages" - just like gossip, sometimes the intent gets changed. The good news is that, even if she has expressed the wish to be a bridesmaid or matron-of-honor, she didn't say it to you personally so you have an "out". You don't want to start even the slightest negative vibes so you have to act FAST. The best way is to get everyone in the future in-law family together with you and your fiance. Be excited. Be upbeat and positive! Tell them you want to share the plans you've made so far. When you're at the table , show them a chart with the names of your bridesmaids and groomsmen, write down the name of your maid-of-honor. Make a strong, loving point of "being so lucky to have so much love and support from everyone"...maybe tell mom-in-law that you would like to include a special ceremony at eh church to involve both HER and your mom - the lighting of the Unity candle. This is so much more symbolic when the two mothers or two sets of parents go up to the front and light the Unity candle to show a uniting of the families. I have seen this ceremony and each of the mothers spoke just a few words to the audience "Bob and I are so pleased about this marriage and we welcome our new daughter to the family." "Fred and I hope everyone will join us in welcoming Susan to the family"...that sort of thing. Then the minister/priest says "Please let everyone support this young couple in their future as I Bless this new extended family". They do this in front of the bride and groom before the actual vows are spoken and it is very moving.
If you make her an important part of the ceremony BEFORE she actually mentions being a bridesmaid (too ridiculous) or even the matron of honor, you will be fine!! Again, consider yourself to be a lucky young woman!

Answer 4

I thought that 'FMIL' meant FORMER mother-in-law! Now THAT would be weird!!!

Get a small book on wedding etiquette or assign one of your friends to be the 'bridal consultant' who coordinates what everyone does and wears.

Your FMIL would have difficulty performing her duty as a bridesmaid if you create duties for the parents of the bride and groom that require them to wear 'mother of the bride/groom' outfits coordinated with those of the wedding party, and put their husbands in formal attire similar to the groomsmen. Have your FMIL read a poem in your wedding ceremony (before the vows), escorted up to the altar and then fetched by her husband and the groom, maybe.

There's a thousand ways you can incorporate both mothers, or all four parents, into the ceremony and reception. Have both sets of parents sit on either side of the bride and groom at the wedding party dinner table, for example, if you're going to have a wedding party table.

I think she (or even he) was just trying to say something nice which you've taken completely out of context and overblown. Learn to minimize opportunities for discord and always assume that something innocent and harmless was intended--then make sure that something innocent and harmless happens.

Best wishes on your upcoming nuptials.

Answer 5

Okay the Father in law most likely meant she wanted some part in your wedding I'm pretty sure not the part of a bridesmaid maybe the guest book attendant or an usher or even helping to decorate why don't you get a list together of spots you still need to fill and see if she would like to do any of them. Make her feel included and special as she is after all your soon to be husbands mother and it is a nice gesture

Answer 6

no it is not naturally for the mother of the bride or groom to be bridesmaids most wedding have the mothers walk down with a usher before the bridesmaids and u they are he first to walk down i would suggest this to her but some brides do us their own mom as the matron of honor just like some guys us their dads u can also ask ur wedding coordinator how to fit her into the wedding without actually being a part of the wedding party

Answer 7

Sounds to me like she just wants to be included as a part of things. She may be defining bridal/wedding party as just being included in the formal events- but not necissarily as a bridesmaid/MOH. That is weird, and unless she has a history of being weird, I'd give her the benefit of doubt.

I think you can make her (therefore your finace and his father) happy by telling her that certainly she'll be a part of the wedding party (but as family not as an "attendant"). That means she should dress to complement the colors, be included in the family photos, listed in the program, perhaps be seated to music and escorted by either your FIL or an usher - depending on how you are doing things.

I think she just wants a special place in the scheme of things.

And if she does want to be a bride's maid, you and your fiance together need to tell her as much as you care for her, you already have your attendants and would be very honored if she .... (and come up with a job for her). If she won't let it go - it becomes your finace's and FIL's problem. But I will tell you this - you have to weigh the cost/benefit of refusing her. Just think on it. In the bigger picture, what would be the harm vs. stress that could carry out into your marriage.

(PS Just curious, is she your finace's mother or step mother?)

Good Luck

Answer 8

Gosh, that is such an akward situation. To answer your questions, Yes, the bridal party is the same as the wedding party. And the best way to deal with the bridesmaid situation is to find another "job" or function for her to be in charge of. Choose something that is equally as important as a bridesmaid, but that won't be in the actual party itself. Maybe ask her to read a passage at the ceremony. That's a tough situation, good luck.

Answer 9

Well technically she is apart of the wedding party. She's his mother. She'll get her chance to walk down the aisle and be seen by everyone too. As for her being a bridesmaid......that would be weird and I think it was kind of rude for her to ask. She should not put that pressure on you. Because you don't want to upset her you may feel obligated to let her be a bridesmaid. But don't let her intimidate you. Just let her play her role as mother of the groom and nothing else.

Answer 10

This does sound awkward. I was a wedding planner and we did have a situation where the FMIL wanted a more "active" role in the ceremony. In the end, her son "requested" that she be his personal attendant and make sure that he was ready and prepared on time to walk out before she took her spot.

I think that someone above had it right that you need to sit down with everything charted out, but if she is still feeling like she needs a more active role maybe this would be a solution. I think it would also give her a few minutes with her son before he is married.

Good Luck and congratulations.

Answer 11

Wedding party and bridal party are the same. I would tell her in a nice way that you enough attendants, but in a way she is in the wedding. Usually at the reception the DJ announces who everyone is in the wedding party, and the brides parents, the grooms parents and grandmothers and gfathers form both sides of the family etc. etc. At least that's the way it has always been when ever I went to a wedding. But for a FMIL to want to be in a wedding sounds to me like she wants people to see her, like for instance (here I'm, look at me). Good luck honey, and congrats.