Would you want to know who your natural father was?

Question

I have known since I was 16 that my dad was not my natural father although my mam (parents are seperated) did not tell me until this year. She believes that my dad doesnt know (I think he does but just wouldnt admit it). I love my dad , he has been a reasonably good dad.
My mam has told me my natural fathers name and I have his adress and telephone number. He has been fed constant information about me over the years (he is also married) so I would not be a shock to him .
What I now need to decide is do I actually want to know him? Do I want him in my life ?
Have you been in this situation ? what did you do ? What were the consequences?

Answer 1

Not me but my son. After my ex had pounded on me for a year he tried to hit my 3 month old son.. I left the next day while he was at work.

Fast forward.. 3 yrs.. I met a wonderful man, married him, he loved my son as much as he loved me and wanted to adopt him... he ex was going to be a snot and not sign off on the documents...I got n the phone..."You know that $3200+ in child support you owe?? How does jail sound??" He signed the docs.

Fast forward... my son is graduating from High School and the Sperm Donor (note: I have never made a negative comment about my ex in front of my son) called and wanted to come to my son's graduation. he wanted to call his bio back. When his dad got home from work he talked to him about it. I thought I would cry.
My son told him.."I just want to meet the man that could turn his back on his family. As far as I'm concerned you're my dad." My husband told him that my x was his real father.. my son stopped him. he said.."No, my real dad has been at all my baseball games, took me to see the SF Giants play, traded shifts and worked graveyard so he could come to my football games and wrestling matches, taught me how to drive, how to swim, how to use a condom (ok I didn't know about that one), was at the hospital when I broke my arm, and I saw you cry when they had to set the bone. But you never left. That's my father."

I have never been so proud of him in my life.

My ex did make it to his graduation. had to borrow to get there, and thought he was going to stay at our house.. I drew the line there. My husband called a local hotel and paid for his room, and also advised him that the charge was for the room only.. the phone was to be blocked for long distance calls, the mini bar was to be ether locked or removed, and room service ws to be paid in cash only.

My ex was not a happy camper.

the day of graduation, my son was my son was the valedictorian, at the end of his his statement to his classmates, he told them that his mother had always told him that a child learned what they lived.

If a child learned.. If they e up trusted, they learned to be trusted worthy.. I;m sure that you've heard the the poem before. His most valuable lessons in life were taught to him by one person,, his father.. Do you know my ex actually started to stand up...LOL

then my son said his dad's name and asked him to come up. he gave him his mortar bord and told him for all the nights that he pent helping him through calculus e deserved it more.. My husband told him.. and the graduation class that he already had one, but he looked forward to having his son hand him the one from college.

my ex left that afternoon, afternoon after asking my son fr airfare. he said no., "I'm sorry I wasn't important to you to uy a round trip tikcet, I'm sorry you didn't realize what a great Mom I have, I;m sorry that I pt my dad through this weekend."

when I die and St Peter asks me whaat ood things I've done in my life.. I can honesty tell him, we raised a wonderful son.

I think you need to ask yourself and him.. if he has all this information abot you.. why wasn't he to make the oiginal bontat

Good Luck on't be dissapoinrf. and ememb you had a good role modld

Answer 2

If it was indifferent to you, you wouldn't be asking here. I think you must make contact with him. However I would have a word with the man you love and call dad. Whether this will be easy or not I don't know because it seems both you and your mum have different opinions as to how much knowledge he has, if you are correct then it shouldn't be too bad but if your mum is it could shatter his world. Just tread carefully and be really sensitive to the situation. Thing is if you made contact with your natural dad it would seem so underhand if the person who brought you up and you loved was kept in the dark. Your 'dad' will probably also require a lot of reassurance of your love for him always and should understand this is something you must do. Writing would seem the best form of initial contact but where you write to could depend if your mum knows if his wife is aware you are his daughter. Hopefully, if not you can perhaps write c/o his business address? You do have a lot of thinking to do and I don't envy your task. Good luck!!!

Answer 3

A cousin (at the age of 16, 11 yrs ago, I found out she wasn't) and my best friend is going through the exact same thing. My cousin had the opportunity to meet her father but didn't. Her mother begged her to stay away from him but my cousin still keeps in contact with her half sister through emails. In the end my cousin, said that he wasn't there for her then, why would he want to start now? So she only keeps in contact with the sister.....but deep down I feel that she only does that so that she will still have a connection to her biological dad.

Now, my best friend has always known that she had a biological father somewhere in this world and just two months ago she found a connection to him. She cried because she didn't want to hurt the man she has always called dad by meeting with her biological father......she has till mext month to decide, cos her bilogical father will be visiting new zealand and that's where my friend lives.

Like I told them, no matter how much you don't want to hurt the other person but this will be ringing in your head for the rest of your life! You DO NOT have to embrace him or the idea of meeting him and the world will not end if you do. You should meet him. Talk to him. If you decide that you would like to keep in contact with him then you should tell your family but if you decide not to then there's nothing to tell. This is your life and don't let anyone make you feel like you betrayed them! Good luck!

Answer 4

I think there are mainly two factors which you should bear in your mind before you make your final decision.

1) Try to be faithful to your own feeling.
I would assume you might have made up your mind already that you would want to know more about him, haven't you?
Otherwise, you wouldn't have put this question on this site, I presume. You probably want a confirmation on your decision.
So, I think you'd better be natural to your own true feeling. If you want to know about your natural father, go for it. It doesn't hurt you.

2) Try to think about the feelings of your current parents.
I would suppose your mom is not totally disagreeable to the idea of your knowing your natural father, because she wouldn't have let you know his address and things if she had been really against the idea. Somewhere in her mind, perhaps she even wants you to know your natural father as she has told him your constant information over the years.

As for your dad, now, this is the point. I suppose your dad's feeling should be something which has to be really taken a good care of. As you love your dad, and, I'm sure, so does your dad, please try not let him down in anyway.

In conclusion, if I were you, I would go straight to your dad first and talk all about it, especially your true feeling about your natural father, and ask his own opinion.

May you and your lovely dad and mom be happy!

Answer 5

Write him a letter, such as "Dear first name (not Dad) I felt I had to write to you, I hope you don't mind, but I believe I am your daughter. I have only discovered this in the last year, and that you have been given information about me over the years. As you will understand, this has been quite a shock!"

You then decide if you want to meet up with him, or keep in contact by letter, e-mail, or speak on the phone. Give him your contact details, and ask if you could possibly meet sometime in the near future. As you are not a shock to him, his wife may probably know, and there are many people in this situation.

You never know, you could have siblings you don't know about!

Take it slowly, meet in a neutral place, such as a nice cafe for coffee or lunch, and take it from there.

Your step-dad will always be your dad, as it the person who raised you in a happy childhood counts.

Answer 6

Yes!
My mom had me when she was young and realised soon after that she didn't want her boyfriend(my birth father) in my life, so ever since I was three i haven't seen him...I am fourteen now and I wish I could meet him, but i have a step dad now(who's awesome) and whenever I mention my reak dad she gets all mad and says i shouldn't talk about him becuase it'll make my step dad sad.
Even if i was allowed to be in contact with him (which i am not) my mom has no idea where he is.

I really would like to see him again as I still remember him and he was never bad to me.

So if you get what I mean your lucky.Even if your birth father turns out to be someone you don't wan't to be around then you can stop seeing or calling him.Remember this though it doesn't hurt to try

Answer 7

I know your father have been good to you as a kid and probably now. You can be 102 and you still gonna want to know where and who you come from, it just natural. Whatever you decide to do, just approach it with respect and don't go in this thinking all happy thoughts. What I'm saying is... be prepared for anything and remember if it fail, you have a dad that love you very much.

Answer 8

At least you know where your father is. I would love to be you. I would love to have a chance to meet my real father. But i cant. And i have known that my step-dad wasnt my real dad anyways. I mean we both have 2 different last names. I love my real father more than anything and i dont even know who he is. To tell the truth i am scared to meet him because i dont wanna find out that my daddy is some crack-head. But then i would love to meet him whether he is or not. If i were you i would go and meet my real father. I mean you have a chance. And just think if you dont go and do something while you have that chance too, then it'll be too late. I hope your real dad isnt a screw up. And i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 9

A real dad is the person who has been with you every step of the way. The natural father had the responsibility to know you from Day 1 not wait or have info fed to him.

Answer 10

I found my birth father (I am adopted). I am not sorry I found it as it gave me the closure I needed. You can meet him and then make any decisions as to how much you want him involved in your life. Since he already knows about you, then he should not have a problem with it since any relationship is more than he has now. Just don't forget the father that raised you and that you thought was your father all of this time. Sometimes, like in my case, blood does not make a dad.

Answer 11

Depends on how you feel about your own identity. Do you feel like there is something missing ? Or are you quite content with the life you have?
Only you will know for sure.
My situation was slightly different.
My dad knew all about me.
Chose to walk away to his new family.
Didn't support me financially or emotionally.
I went looking for him when I was 16.
Can't say I regret it but sometimes wished I hadn't bothered as it's more of a chore keeping in touch every now and then.
He makes no great effort with my children either - to the point they "forget" about him.
The only good/great thing from it all is I have a brilliant half-sister and her immediate family in my family's lives now.
I wish you luck whatever choice you make.