I need a laugh...............?

Question

I need to hear jokes! Give me one and if your to best you'll get the best answer!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

if Adam was the only man to ever be invented what was eve ? she was the improvement

Answer 2

You may be a redneck...

if you make change in the offering plate
if your family tree never splits
if you've ever hunted from inside your house
if you get christmas cards from tobacco companies
if your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds
if the area's flooding history can be seen on your living room walls
if your child's first words are "attention k-mart shoppers"
if going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and getting a flashlight
if your home has more miles than your car
if your wife has ever asked you to move the radiator so she can take a bath
if your dad walks to school with you because you're both in the same grade
if you think the stock market has a fence around it
if you think mutual funds means everyone's having a good time

Answer 3

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

Answer 4

This is one from England...if you're not familiar with the stereotypes, it might not be that funny but...ah well, we'll give it a try, shall we?

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Manchester United fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a United fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Manchester, and my mum is a United fan and my dad is a United fan, so I'm a United fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a United fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Answer 5

Margie decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.


He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by". A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"


Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."

Answer 6

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone, and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK,now what?"

Answer 7

hmm....Two women are out drinking and, being overly indulgent, get completely smashed. They proceed to make their way home when they both realize they have to pee. One of the women suggests they head to the graveyard across the street to do their business behind a headstone. And indeed they do. When she realizes she's got nothing to wipe with, the first woman takes off her panties, wipes with them, and throws them away. The second woman however, is wearing expensive panties which she cannot part with. But luckily, she managed to salvage a ribbon from one of the memorial headstones. She wipes with the ribbon, throws it away, and when the two are finished, they make their way home. The next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second husband. He says, "We have got to put a stop to these late nights these girls are having. Last night my wife came home with no panties." The second husband responds, "That's nothing. My wife came home with a card in her panties. It said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you'. Lol! I got a laugh out of it...hope it helps!

Answer 8

There is a blond and a brunette in a plane ready to jump out and parachute. First the blond jumps and then the brunette. The blond pulls the cord and her chute opens, but the brunette's chute won't open, and she passes the blond, so the blond says "Oh, so you want to race huh?" So the blond releases her chute and they both fall to their death.

Answer 9

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~...
http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html...

Answer 10

OK. How do you kill a dumb blonde?


Put a scratch'an'sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool. And then tell them to sniff it. If they are truly a dumb blonde they'll go sniff it!!!

(You are defiantly not a dumb blonde so take it personally!!)

Hope it made you laugh!!! Tink