How do I tell a young kid that they're adopted (This is tricky)?

Question

I have been with my girlfriend for 4 years now, we met shortly after high school. To make a long story short, she finally broke down and told me back in September that she had gotten pregnant and had a child when she was in high school. Since everyone in her family wanted the best for this special gift, my girlfriend's parents adopted the baby right away. My girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend both signed away all of their rights to my girlfriends parents.

The child, however, still does not know that she's adopted. She still thinks that my girlfriend is her sister. She's in first grade now.

I have since gotten engaged to my girlfriend. I love her to death, and I don't hold her past against her. It took a lot of forgiveness, but I feel that God brought us together.

Since we've gotten engaged, we have both agreed that we'd like to re-adopt the child and raise her as our own. The adopted parents have agreed to this as long as it won't psychologically damage the child. Any advice?

To those who are just now reading this... Sorry I'm new to this:

My fiance has had just as much of a role raising her child as her parents have. In fact, it's really been a group effort between the family. The only reason they adopted the child was for financial support.

Me, my fiance, and her little girl have been spending time together every day whenever we get the chance. My family owns a cabin that we go to on the weekends and spend time together.

Also, when we get married this year, we are looking to move within this immediate area so that we AREN'T "ripping" her away from her "parents" (Should we decide to adopt). I understand that the transition period is very, very important.

Answer 1

Honesty. A child understands more than you think they do. Remember when you were their age? You understood everything that was going on, but you just ignored it so you won't alarm the adults. And the kids now days understand a lot more than what we did at their age.
You're eventually going to have to tell her the truth anyway. If you lie right now, and she finds out later on in her life, she's going to hate you guys for hiding all this from her and for lying.

I think if you just come out and explain everything exactly how you explained it to us, you should be perfectly fine. You won't cause her any psychological damage. She might be upset for a while, but most kids are lucky to have so many people loving them, as there are many kids out there who don't have anyone to provide that love.
Good Luck! Don't spoil her too much.

Answer 2

I would have a meeting with the adoptive parents, the fiance and yourself and decide where to start. Because she is still pretty young, it might not be that difficult for the little girl to adjust. I would talk to a family therapist and see if they have any suggestions as to how to tell the child, who should be the one to tell her and possibly when, if not now, would be a good time. Opening this door could possibly hurt the child, but if she has the support of her entire family, the adjustment might be easier than you think.

My parents took my oldest son in for a few years when he was in kindergarten through second grade. I would pick him up on weekends and whenever I was not working 16 hour shifts. When I got married, my husband wanted my son to live with us. We gradually made that move by taking him during the week and getting him used to being with us fulltime. Although this is a different situation, it is a suggestion that worked for us.

Good luck! I am sure things will work out!

Answer 3

You may want to start by asking the child if she would LIKE to have her sister be her mother -- that may open the door and give you an idea if this is even a good thing to attempt right now. Counseling with this would be a REAL good idea, since the adjustment will be difficult for everyone. My best friend was apparently adopted back into her own family, similarly, and as a grown woman today, she still is not sure of her relationship, because no one ever confirmed the "rumors" about this. So the truth DOES need to come out -- though this may not be the optimal time to do it. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Answer 4

First grade is still young. It will be very confusing for this child but if you both feel you will take this responsibility seriuosly then I would suggest you seek advice from your church or a counselor on the best way to handle the change to her child. I believe your girlfriends parents should be very involved with the whole process, because as you say they have raised the child as their own. I would highly recommend this be done soonier than later as it will be harder for the child to accept as she gets older. I also would suggest you and your girlfriend get married immediately so that you will have a stable home for her to come into. Good luck and remember the child's well being is the most important.

Answer 5

First, break the news she is adopted. Do this as a family. She has a right to know at least that much. See how she reacts. Then, find out then if she even wants to know who her birth mother is; she may not. If she does, tell her. If not, let it go, she most likely will eventually change her mind, it can wait till then. When you do tell her, this may be a bigger shock, so again, see how she reacts. Then, let her decide if she wants to be your girlfriends sister or her daughter. Your gf should let her know either way, she loves her the same.

In this situation,the truth will always be the same, timeing is everything. Don't go too fast.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

Wow...the same thing happened to me. I was addopted by my Grandparents at 3 days old. I was raised believing my real Mother was my Sister. The only problem was I looked like my Brother and Sister...My Grandmother had them, divorced and remarried the man I knew as my Dad. They didn't look like their Mom and I knew my Dad wasn't their Dad...so I sort of figured it out, anyway they told me at 9 or 10. I still call her my Sister, because she didn't raise me and I'm 49 now!!!

It could be devestating for her to find out and to be ripped away from the only people she has known as parents. I would not have wanted my Sister to take me and finish raising me! I would have wanted to stay with my parents.

I would have her over to your place all the time and then maybe ask her if she would like to live with you all the time. I would do this BEFORE anyone tells her she's been adopted so that if she says no, there will be no presure on her. As much as you would like to have her, you have to put YOUR wants asside and let it be what the child wants!!! Even though I had figured my brother was my Dad or my Sister, my Mom, I still cried when they told me. It just hurts to find out you don't totally belong and I was a few years older. She is going to want to see who her real Dad is. Don't let it bother you, she will just have to know! I was lucky and found mine a few years ago and got pictures. I was thrilled to find out where my dimples came from!!!

Don't let it hurt your feelings if she does not want to have you two adopt her. Try and think how you would have felt if at 6 someone tried to take you away from your parents! Even if it was your Sister it would be real wierd! You may start talking to her about how some kids are adopted and how wonderful it is and see if it helps. You did a good thing giving her up to your parents, she WILL understand and be greatful that she was kept in the family!!! I wish you all the best with such a hard situation. Just remember, she won't want to hurt you either...so don't make her feel like she has to go with you to keep from hurting you. Let her be free to be with whoever she wants without any presure from anyone!!! You are all family and all love each other no matter who raises her! My Mom and Dad will always be my parents, because they raised me, and I did not want to hurt them. I love my Sister more than a sister and have my kids call her Aunt out of respect. I call her other kids my Brothers and Sisters because they are and I wanted the confusion to end. God be with you all!

Answer 8

First of all take it slowly, and get the whole family to help, and make sure you guys are completely honest about it, the child is young and wont understand for a few years anyway. The best thing to do is to not force it on the child, but keep discussing it, she will eventually be able to understand and not have resentment about it. But you gotta be honest 100%. Lies have a way of turning around on you and in most cases cause alot of hurt to the child for a significant amount of time THIS IS NOT ADVICE, i dont give advice, i give you my opinion and how I would handle it

Answer 9

It seems to me that you and your fiancee have thought deeply about what it is that you want, and now you are trying to figure out how to get it.

It seems that the adopted parents of this little girl have thought about what they want, but have considered that there might be an emotional implication for the child.

Take some time to think about what the CHILD would want. It sounds like she is well situated where she is. Is it in her best interest to be told this devastating news and be torn from her home? Is it in her best interest at 6 years old to have her sense of belonging and identity removed?

I believe you and your fiancee think you are doing a noble thing, but if you think it through again, you might notice how selfish your motives are.

Do what is best for the child. You and your fiancee are blessed to have the ability to watch her grow and flourish. Most teen mothers do not have that priviledge.

Answer 10

Youmay want to go see a child psychologist for this one. It may be too much for young child to even grasp or it may be best to tell her while she is young. Not sure. At any rate I am sure that it will mess up her mind somewhat...but hopefully not much! Wait until she's old enough to figure it out and she may get mad...
or disappointed...or angry. Do it now and she may not even really understand what is going on but at least she will have been told and learn to deal with it slowly. I'm almost in favor of telling her right now so the shock will be lesser due to her age and her comprehension. She will have less antagonism, anger, etc.
What do you think?