Overwhelmed!?

Question

I'm a single mother, and I am feeling extremely overwhelmed. I have a demanding job, but it pays very well. I have two daughters that want to participate in everything that they can after school. I have a live-in boyfriend that seems to make more of a mess than not. I feel guilty about asking him to do anything. When he does do something, I feel like he's giving me a kidney or something. I want to take time for myself too. Is that too much to ask? I'm in tears and the end of my rope is fast approaching. Any advice or at least some sympathy?

Answer 1

Limit your children as to how many things they can be invovled in. (For example 2 activites a year: soccer and piano lessons) Of course, occassional things will come up like skating parties at school or something like that and those are all fine to attend.

You are not going to like what I have to say about the live in boyfriend. He needs to go. Not because he doesn't do anything around the house but because of the message you are sending to your girls. Give your girls a momma they can be proud of.

Also one evening night a week schedule it as your night. This night the girls cannot have you running them around and it is your night to take a bubble bath, watch tv, do a hobby, or whatever you want. Teach them to respect your time to yourself. You will also be teaching them that they need to take time for their ownselves one day when they are mothers too.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I know exactly how you feel. Even though I have a husband and am not a single mom, my husband does very little to help around the house (and yet expects me to help in the yard when spring, summer and fall are here). In order to start with changes you have to decide what you want more. Tell the kids they can participate in 1 activity a season (soccer, then basketball, then spring soccer, etc) but not two activities at any one time. Explain that because there are two of them you can't be that many places at once. Next, assign chores and provide allowances for chores completed. My two daughters have to set the table, feed the dog, bring the laundry to the laundry room on Monday and Thursday and gather all inside trash on Tuesday. Also we recently added they clear the table after dinner 1 or 2 days a week. I do all the laundry and major house cleaning(they help wish vacuuming the bathrooms and areas rugs) and dinner, etc. You also need to sit down with your boyfriend. Explain that you need a little help and both of you pick something that he feels he can do and will do. If you both work full time jobs and the majority of other issues fall to you, its the least he can do. As far as for some time for yourself, find a hobby and a time you want to do this hobby and tell everyone in the house that NOTHING will take presidence over this for you on this day (I like to crochet and read and my one BIG relaxation is to take a long hot bath with a good book - no one is allowed to call for me or talk to me or need me for any reason while I am soaking in a relaxing tub). To start go get a relaxing massage at your local spa (a stress buster massage in my area is around $50). You also need to realize that other people don't do chores the same way you do, so don't expect them to set the table as you would, cut some slack. it your boyfriend offers to do laundry, don't complain if things aren't done the way you would, if you need to say "you could do you clothes and the girls, I'll do my own". Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Your parenting and job is very important and the last situation you don't want to find yourself is in the hospital, or worst have nervous break down! It is time for you to seek an outside intervention, so can you collect your thoughts together.

Put the responsibility of your kids in the hands of your parents or relatives and boy friend. (Be should that your daughters knows the boy friend should not make any sexual attempt on them. If he does explain to them what to do about it! I don't know your boy friend, so if this sound a bit non-trusting please forgive me!) If you can take time off from work it would really benefit you.

Spend a week at a spa, alone or go to a retreat house (religious) where can set you own schedule except for meal time of course. Do some personal shopping, go to the movies or buy a portable DVD and rents movies to bring to the retreat house.

Ok, all of this sounds good but what happens if you're unable to do all my suggesting? It's then time to Overwhelmed your family!
Conduct a family meeting, express your concern and that their help is desperately needed.

The number question you are going ask your family,

"What can we all do to share the responsibility?"

Do not make any suggesting! Let your daughters and boy friend brain storm their ideas. Have paper and pen available with a calendar and let their words flow from their lips. When the meeting is finish, first be sure you only have 1/3 of the responsibility, and second set-up another meeting day and time. This is to make sure that the new schedule is working, and your family can review the decision made at the first meeting.

If you can, invite your daughters for a full day at your job. Let them have an one day taste of the host of responsibilities you have there, and assure them that this is what's keeping from poverty. Each night, pray with your family.

God Bless.

Answer 4

I am also a single mother with two kids and a full time job. My boyfriend doesnt live with me, but when he is over, he will take out the garbage etc. He needs to start chipping in. And not for nothing, why arent your kids helping you? Are they capable of doing their laundry? Some dishes? Delegate the work. If the kids dont want to help around the house, ground them, then after school activities will suffer. Try one night not making dinner, sounds mean, I know. When they ask where it is you can say one of two things, "I dont know what did you make/order?" or "By the time I got home from work, cleaned the house, did the laundry and paid the bills, and then checked homework, there was just not enough time or energy, why dont you go fix yourself something? I have gone on strike for about 4 days. No cleaning, no laundry nothing. Everyone got the message and chipped in. Good luck

Answer 5

Practical suggestions...

1) Try to network with other after-school moms for some carpooling for those two active daughters. That will make a huge difference. Also check into the afterschool programs, make sure of what time they end, if there's provision for kids to stay at school an hour later in an after-care program, etc. Trying to consolidate your trips. :)

2) Talk to the boyfriend honestly and seriously. If he's there in the relationship to become part of the family, he needs to start taking on some parental duties. That includes a share of the housework and the kidwork, and will involve you bringing him more into tune with family schedule, work expectations and discipline. If he's not in the relationship to be part of the family... well, best to find it out now rather than later.

3) Try telling your daughters no once in a while, or letting the housework slack for a night so that you can have a bubblebath and a glass of wine. What it gives you in energy to go to bed an hour earlier will more than make up for a few extra breakfast dishes the next day.

Answer 6

I feel for you...seriously! First of all, baby girl, you can't do it all. Sometime you might need somebody to tell you that. You are ONLY one person. This is what you need to do, it is okay for your children to be involved in somethings but NOt everything. It is okay to say no. Mommy can't do it. As far as this boyfriend, honey, you shouldn't feel bad about askin him to do anything b/c if he is going to live with you then he need to help around the house. If you are working two full time jobs (job & takin care of the kids), well he can at least look after the house or will it be the other way around. (I don't think so) He can work the job and take care of the kids while you take care of the house. As far as him throwin it up in your face...just simply let him know who pay for the groceries, who take care of the children, who making sure the bills are paid, etc. You, YOU, You!!!! So he need to get right and help out. You are on the verge of breakin down and that is ridiculous. It shouldn't come to that at all. He need to lend a hand and help out b/f just that one hand does more than he might realize. There is nothing wrong with askin for a break, it is a part of life. From what you are going through, you need some me time. I would also suggest to pick a day during the week, let your boyfriend know that you are on strike on that date. You will leave him with the children and everything. YOu are also takin a break from work...go to the park, matter of fact, check yourself into a hotel. Soak in a long warm bath and just enjoy the peace and quiet. Lay across the bed, look at t.v., order room service and just live it up. Once you have completed the entire day of relaxation, then return home refreshed. You have to get it one way or the other and that is the only way you can get your ME time. I wish you all the best of luck and it is clear that you need to put your feet down immediately!!!

Answer 7

Ok, Definitely Limit the girls to a single activity each. Then kick the slug in the behind , if he doesn't want to contribute , why have him , your already doing it all anyway so would you really be any worse off without him ? And Finally Put yourself on a strict schedule at least once a weak , this day after work is for me, and make yourself do it , no ifs ands or buts. You'll burn out real soon if your not careful. You have responsibilities, but remember you have one to yourself also. If your miserable , how can you possibly be good for anyone else, you can't so take care of yourself first.

Answer 8

Tell the guy he's not your child to raise and send him home to momma. If he is not willing to help, then you really don't need him around. The live in boyfriend just needs a place to crash.
When you come home dinner should be made and the kids should be doing homework. You have to save some of yourself for yourself. You might have to get tough and tell the children that they can't do everything they want because you are tired. Why not tell the truth? It always seems to work.

Answer 9

The first thing you need to do is limit your kids after school activities. Let them each pick one, or two if you can handle it.

Does your live-in boyfriend have a job? Or is he just an over-grown child? A drain on the system? He needs to step up to the plate, be a man, and do his share. If he can't or won't, you might as well give him the boot, Otherwise you'll have three children to deal with.

Answer 10

You have enough on your plate you need to concentrate on eliminating stress out of your life. If your boyfriend is a cause of stress...KICK HIM TO THE CURB!! Your girls need you with stable mind to properly take care of them and ANYTHING or ANYONE that interferes with that needs to go!!! No matter what you decide you can do this.. MANY women have done it and are doing it (myself Included) Last year I graduate with my Associates degree after going to night school at community college for 7 years, while working full time and taking care of 4 sons ( 8 -18) by myself. It was work and it was stress but well worth it. I personally didnt want or need a relationship because I wanted to focus on school and taking care of my boys and I am extremly proud of myself. Get time out with your girls every once and a while ( I would NEVER make it wihout a few happy hour sessions a month) You'll be fine and get that stress out your life.