Disagreements on discipline style?

Question

Have you gotten confronted when others have a problem w/ the way you discipline your children?Tell me your story and what you think of this.I am talking about every day normal discipline in the privacy of your own home- i.e. time out, scolding, an open handed whack on the butt.My 9 yr old had a friend over last wk. She (my daughter) shoved her younger sister hard enough to cause her to hit her head off the wall.Our immediate response was scolding & a time out, to which my daughter physically tried to avoid.(Had to be picked up and placed in the corner twice.) My husband's reaction to this was 2 swats on the behind and back to the corner for a few minutes.Later, the friend's mom called SCREAMING that she can't believe how out of control my home is & that we handle things wrong.I was annoyed and felt like hanging up but stood my ground anyhow.She was talking nicely by the time the conversation ended.(Her child must have exaggerated when telling the story to her.)Thoughts?

I neglected to add that she was grounded from phone, computer, television, and outings for a week. Would the friend not have been due to go home soon anyhow, we would have taken her home.

Yes, people do talk! I am concerned because this crazy lady is one of those PTO moms who do volunteer work at the school and only have 1 child. I know this sounds silly but I am afraid she is going to exaggerate the story to the rest of the moms and they will not want to let their children associate w/ mine! (We are relatively new to the school district as it is and she is already having a hard enough time finding her 'group') Are there mothers that would do this and would people listen to them?

Wow, I am feeling so much better thanks to you people! I have been stressing and losing sleep over this! Even though you may be strangers to me, your support has been a huge morale booster!
I too was spanked (and deserved it!) My mom and dad had a piece of wooden trim that was their paddle of choice. I love my mom and dad (God rest his soul!) to pieces and probably would not feel AS good about my childhood nor turned out as productive an adult would they not have given me some discipline when I needed it! I try to tell my girls how easy they have it, and they think I am exaggerating just to scare them. Mom lives out of state, I think I am going to need her to confirm it to them next time we all get together.

Answer 1

It's so frustrating when someone questions your discipline style, but I tend to chalk it up to differences in people, places, times, personalities and backgrounds.

I came from a home where we were never spanked, so I don't have a foundation to draw from in how to use spanking effectively. Therefore, I don't spank. I'm really into other discipline styles, but I can relate to someone criticizing your choices.

My mother is actually one who will say to me, "You ought to just paddle her behind." She'll also sometimes start in on lecturing my son when she feels he hasn't done something the way SHE thinks he should - oftentimes without checking with me. Many a time she and I have butted heads over who the parent is in this household. It's tough to stand your ground without coming off as a raving fool. (At least for me, because nothing gets my temper going quicker than situations like that.)

A while back we were in the grocery store when I asked my 11 year old to walk to the end of the aisle to grab something for me. A store worker who had been crouched behind a display shelving things, stood up suddenly and my son accidentally walked into her. (We couldn't see her until she stood up.) She promptly started fussing at my son for "running wild" in the store and told him he "better stay with his parents". I walked up to her and told her that it really didn't take a village and she should apologize to me and my child for her horrible reaction to an ACCIDENT.

Sigh. People (even me) can be quirky sometimes. And not always in a good way.

Answer 2

Disipline is a hard area. There is so much gray area with so many people. A swift swat on the bottom is not a beating, heck I do not even call that a spanking. Sometimes it is hard to reason with children and I feel that is a way to get their attention. Quite frankly she does not need an explanation as to why and how you disiplined your child.

I remember when my son was about4, we were at the post office and he kept running around knocking things over. Of course the post office was packed and I was afraid to yell at him because of what other people may think. Well I kept saying Honey please stand nicely by mommy, etc. Of course this did nothing. Well I finally just smacked his butt and said if you move again you will get another. I was shocked at the reaction I got. I had people clapping and telling me it is about time someone is not afraid to disipline their child in public.

My son is 11 and I can count on both hands how many times I have had to do this, my other daughter is 9 and I can count on one hand how many times she needed a swat. My youngest will be 4 next month and has received one.

There is a big differnce like I said before between a beating and a spanking. People need to look at the way kids are now and realize we have lost all control. I was beat as a child. I had a leather belt that hund on a nail outside my bedroom door, and got it on a few occasions. I am not a murderer, a rapist, or a violent person. I grew up to be a respectful business owner and mother to 3 wonderful children.

Answer 3

First of all don't worry what those other gossiping moms might be saying about you, If you ask me we have ALOT more out of control kids now then we did 20 years ago. I would never have talked to my mother the way my kids have to me. I believe in spankings (not beating lol as others would call it) but a firm swat on the butt does not hurt a child. I had plenty of spankings and I can honestly say I deserved it, and I am not emotionally damaged and have a very good relationship with my mom. I think those people who have a problem with the way you are disciplining need to lay of the parenting books and go with good ole instinct. Good luck to you and hang in there!!!!

Answer 4

I don`t agree with all the right wing liberals who think the government needs to help parents raise their children, or to those that dont believe in swatting a child, and chastise you for believing otherwise, it is no ones business how you discipline your kids, if you bruise them, or mistreat them, sure, some one needs to step in for the child's sake, if the child is hit in anger that is wrong, but if the child becomes belligerent, you need to stand your ground and let them know you are bigger. smarter, stronger, and they will do as told, and at times this is best accomplished with a mild show of force. My father in law once told me how I should discipline my kids, I told him if I had done as he did when his son was a 10 year old, then he could advise me, but until I threw a fork that stuck in my sons back, in anger, It was none of his concern, he didnt like that , but never mentioned it again. You know the difference between discipline and abuse, so tell others that your style of discipline may be different than theirs, but who is to say any better.

Answer 5

Geez...I think the friend's mom may have over-reacted and seriously stepped over the boundaries...how you run your home is none of her business (because CLEARLY there is no child abuse/neglect/endangerment going on...)

Good job standing your ground! Discipline is very personal and can differ greatly from home to home...but what is appropriate for one house may not be for another. For instance, my sisters and I were never grounded or spanked growing up...we were instead disciplined only by a death stare from my mother...my husband on the other hand could only be discipline by a spanking, time-out, or a belt (of course that was back quite awhile ago!). Different children can require different discipline methods. Your friend's mother clearly has different methods than yours but they are no better and no worse...just different.

She really had no business doing what she did...just realize that your parenting styles are different and be the bigger person.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I've never been confronted about this; however, I think you did the right thing. At age 9 if your daughter thinks that she can avoid a time out/scolding over something like this, and gets her way, you are looking at teenage years full of conflict.
I teach school and see way too many kids who have no discipline at home. It's easy to see a mile away.

Answer 7

I completely understand your frustration. I left a bad marriage and had to move in with my father for a few months. He was critical about every form of discipline that I chose. My daughter, a 9 year old honor roll student, began coming home with D's for her conduct grade almost daily for choosing to talk and play during class time rather than completing her assignments. Her academic grades suffered because of this also, obviously. He had a problem with me grounding her from t.v. and making her clean her room alone (it was shared with a little brother) as punishment. He cleaned the room for her while she went outside to play and come in and watch t.v. Everyone will not agree with your parenting style, but as long as you know that you are not abusing your child, and that you are teaching valuable lessons to your child, forget what they think. They won't be the ones dealing with your teen that is out of control because you took their advice.

Answer 8

Its no business of hers how to disapline for a start, but scolding shouldnt be used to easy either, it should be used as a last resort. And at age 9 time out is a bit silly. She should know what shes doing. Grounding her sounds better, taking away a game boy or faviourate toy. etc

Answer 9

Your friend was way out of line. She had no right to confront you on your child rearing methods. Parenting styles are personal and you sound like you handled your child's behavior in a reasonable manner. Maybe you and your husband don't always agree on what type of discipline should be used, but neither sound over the top.
My sister once told me that my children were out of control because I allowed them to be. She said that they were too "lippy" because they were allowed to express themselves. I explained that I did allow them to express themselves unless it was in a disrespectful way. That was about 30 years ago and she still thinks I was too easy on them. My point is, parenting is an incredibly personal thing. Besides, what kind of grown-up would call up a friend SCREAMING and tell you that your home is out of control?

Answer 10

I really think that the way you discipline your child is your own way of rasing them..... i agree with you... i think that i would have done the same thing... you have to realize that around that age a child tend to make something small seen like a big deal.... Here is a little of my story..... i have a two year old boy.... when he dont share with other kids (my sister's kids) i take the toys a way from him and place is somewhere where none of the kids can reach it. my sister thinks that because the toys belong to my son he should give them to her kids to play with until they leave home BUT see, i dont do that because my son was playing with it first... she thinks my way of not letting her kids "share" my son's toy is not fair... now tell me who is right? anyways she dont really like to bring her kids over no more because i time them out when they take the toys away without asking if they can have it.... i really think that its the way you look at being parents.... everyone has their own way.... good luck