Last night, I overheard my 12 yr old step son talking to his friend telling her that his mom was a deadbeat. He was referring to his biological mom. There has been alot going on the past couple of years regarding his mom as far as visitation, child support etc.. My husband and I do not say negative things regarding his mom, but I guess these are his feelings and I don't know what to say to help him.. and let me reiterate that regarding the child support she told him that she was refusing to pay we had never mentioned it in front of him or his brother... So ho do I help him? Any advise?
2007-02-28 06:34:52 · 6 answers · asked by luckygirl 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
First, you're very much on the right track about not bashing his mother. That is a game you'd never win so I'm glad you chose not to play it.
12 is a tough age to be and deal with a parent that isn't around. From now until he's grown he's going to go through a very wide range of emotions about his mom, his dad and you. Keep your head low, stay positive and be supportive regardless of what comes out of his mouth. Also, be firm and stand your ground. But, treat him with love and compassion like you would a wounded animal in a corner.
Third, when he's grown and he sees the world through more adult eyes, he's going to remember what you did and did not say about his mom. He's going to have some things he'll want to thank you for. He'll probaby have some things he wants to apologize for. Keep that door open for both.
May God bless you and your family. May His glorious light shine upon you in this tough situation.
2007-02-28 06:44:22 · answer #1 · answered by penhead72 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First Congrat's to you for keeping your thoughts & problems with his Mother away from him. This is allowing him to formulate his own opinions based on what he sees & hears from her, himself. Therefore, he will not harbor any resentments against you or his dad when he's older ..... We went thru this with my stepdaughter, she too began to put 2+2 together around 12 years old... .. We've always had what we call "table top time"...every now & then (especially if we noticed/overheard something) we would call a family meeting & put all our thoughts out on the table - so that we could all "see" what was going on with each other & discuss it openly...nothing that is said during this time is punishable - but everything must be said with the upmost of respect..! We told her that she had a right to her feelings & that she needed to understand that "grown ups have problems & make mistakes too, & that her mom loves her very much, she was having some problems ...BUT that it wasn't her fault, there was nothing whatsoever wrong with her & that she had no control of her Mom & nothing she did or didn't do could change her Mom, that her Mom would have to work thru her issues herself...." (The reason we had to have this discussion was b/c she began to feel like there was something wrong with her - that made her unloveable or whatever.....) I guess the best advice is for you to just gauge the situation & let him know that he's loved - dearly, by all of you, & that he can talk with you anytime, about anything.
God Bless You & Good Luck....
2007-02-28 07:02:30 · answer #2 · answered by rjsluvbug 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this is his only outlet for his frustration, let him vent to someone he trust. He is 12 years old, it doesn't matter if you discuss it anywhere in the house, he hears the issues you and your husband are having with his biological mother. But let him have his own method of dealing with disappointment. When his mother wants to have a true loving relationship with her son, then she is going to have to face him, and apologize. Otherwise my advise is to be a model of stability in the form of a true mother. Take care of him, love him, and be there for him. Those are the things he will appreciate for his entire life.
2007-02-28 06:46:24 · answer #3 · answered by ricepat2000 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, speaking as a step daughter. i would let him come to you. sometimes when it comes from someone who, yes is taking care of them and is making their life easier but at the same time, it's going to be harder comming from you.
2007-02-28 06:45:57 · answer #4 · answered by Deb M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, even though you guys have not said anything, he probably has his own opinion about his mother. Can't do anything about that.
2007-02-28 06:45:24 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's coming to his own conclusions about his mother. Isn't he right?
2007-02-28 06:39:55 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋