Everything is for the kids...why should I feel guilty wanting something for myself?

Question

I feel like everything I buy is for the kids...strollers, high chairs, swings, toys, clothes, food, etc. And I spend every minute of every day with them, and all of the activities I do have to be something I can do with them or for them. So then why do I feel so guilty whenever I want to do something alone or just for myself? Like wanting to eat good foods and exercise? Or wanting to take a class? Or wanting to have a hobby? My husband says I spend too much money on stuff, and that even though it's for the kids that I'm the one who really wanted it so it's mine. Should I just stop buying stuff for the kids and let him buy it for them so he is responsible? And spend the money on myself? They aren't overly spoiled. I've bought most of their stuff second hand or they were gifts. Am I bad for wanting a new high chair instead of one from a garage sale? Also how do I convince my husband that I need some "me time?" Just once a week to go out on my own for like an hour or two?

Answer 1

To answer your question, you should not feel guilty. You need and deserve some time to yourself and some "fun money" to spend on your own wants. You did not stop being a person when you became a mom. I can understand how your husband has the idea that everything you buy for the kids is really for you because you picked it out - I went through the same thing with my husband, and it is true that sometimes we buy stuff for the kids that's really for us, i.e. cute dresses for my daughter that she won't really wear but I thought were irresistible. The answer may be to make a list for him of the things you bought (so he'll know where the money went), what they were for and how much they cost. When he sees that you are trying to be frugal and that kids just require a lot of stuff maybe he will be more understanding. Also, let him help with the decision-making: tell him you need a stroller (or whatever) and show him the options and costs and let him pick it out. He won't feel like you're just randomly spending money and then telling him about it later. The way to get "me time" in my experience is to ask for a specific block of time, in advance, instead of just making general requests, which to a man sound like complaining. But if you say, "I would like for you to take the kids for three hours on Saturday afternoon so I can get my hair cut and have lunch with my friend" you are more likely to get some help. Men need facts, not emotions.

Answer 2

Oh, you are such a deplorable human being for putting your children first! Don't you know how un-American it is to be selfless and considerate of others?!?!! OK, had to go a little over the top on that one...You are not being unreasonable, but you did say your children aren't "overly spoiled," so that indicates to me that maybe you're thinking you do spend too much on the kids and you should dial that back a little. Now, if you're talking about necessities with safety concerns like high chairs and strollers, no harm/no foul if you would rather get a new one, but it's never a bad idea to find ways to stretch your dollar where you can, so use your judgment and try to get some stuff used.

As for getting through to him about time for you, why don't you try billing him for your services? You heard me right -- present him with a bill for every meal you cook for him, every errand you run for him, every chore you do that he benefits from, or you could just charge him an hourly rate for all the time you spend taking care of your children and your house. Put it into terms that he will understand. Make it clear to him that YOU have a full-time job too, and if he thinks your job is so much easier than his then tell him straight-up that you're taking a day (or a weekend) off to do whatever -- visit your sister, go on a church retreat, take a real estate seminar, etc. -- and HE gets to stay home and take care of the kids. He needs to wake up and see that you need a break too (maybe more so than he does because he doesn't spend every minute of every day with the young 'uns). If the bill doesn't get through to him, I can chisel it in stone for you that spending one day being responsible for the children WILL.

Answer 3

Here's an example of why buying new stuff compared to buy garage sale stuff is NOT bad, and it's pretty much a one liner:

If you buy a high chair from a garage sale because you thought it to be bad that you buy a new one, then is the person you're buying the chair from bad because they bought it new? No.

It's almost like second hand smoke if buying from garage sale was the "right" thing to do. Not a chance, buy brand new things if you so please. Buying from garage sales is just a "cheap and easy because the kids wont know the difference" way to deal with things. Because really, is your relationship between you and your kids anyones business? Go out right now and buy a brand new chair for him/her, buy some new toys too, just to be seemingly defiant, enjoy your freedom of spending (so long as your pool of spending allows said freedom).

And here's something to help you realize that spending money on yourself isn't a bad thing:

What if you were single, no kids, no husband and you started saving money, and you constantly told yourself "I can't spend this, I might need it some day... I can't spend this, I might need it some day... " over and over, until your last day on earth and you have all this money, you worked so hard to get it but the very last day you can't do a damn thing, was it worth it? no. So the money you earn can and should be spent, either in a luxurious way or an important way, you earned the money, and the advertising phrase of "you deserve it" is no lie, you really do deserve it, otherwise what are you gunna do with it? Hmm? :)

Unless of course you go off on this whole new adventure of.. "saving it for the kids.." but then your kids are gunna "save it for the kids" and it'll be one long endless chain of saving it for the kids until the end of time when it's completely useless.

Answer 4

Don't feel bad about wanting some time for yourself. It is necessary for you to still enjoy your own identity while you are busy being a good mom. There's certainly nothing wrong with asking your husband to buy a new high chair so you can take your money and go to the hair salon or the mall or out to eat alone or anything. You need your time too. It is very important that you make time for yourself or you'll get sick from all the stress and then you won't be able to do much of anything. Don't feel guilty about the way you are feeling. It is normal to feel that way. Get some respite help and take yourself a break.

Answer 5

My husband is just like that. He says "You spend money all the time". 99% of the things I buy during the week are for the kids or the family as a whole. I've never really considered not buying things for the kids in hopes that he would notice, though he probably wouldn't anyway. I would try switching off with a friend who has children instead, that way you both get some free time.

Answer 6

I've had similar issues with my husband. He works and I stay home, but I do all the financial stuff (pay bills, buy groceries, buy stuff for the kids, buy stuff for hubby, rarely buy stuff for me). I've found that when we're on the same page about things, it cuts out a lot of the bickering. My husband tried to pull that crap with me one time, he claimed to only spend $120 per month (which was technically true because that's his poker money for the month) so he wanted to know where all the rest of the money was going. I pointed out to him that any time he needs something (deoderant, soap, toothpaste, gas for his car) he doesn't even have to ask, I just keep track and get everything for him. We decided that nit picking wasn't going to get us anywhere. We go over the budget together, and I never hide anything that I buy from him--and he doesn't really care so long as he has his money for guys night playing poker once a week.

Anyhow, I guess my point is that the two of you should sit down at a neutral time and talk about the budget and make sure that your activities get included in the budget--that they're not just extras when there's time or money for them. It sounds like you're being reasonable when it comes to second hand items.

One thing I've found is that I do like to shop and bring home new things. But we don't really have the space or need for all the things I can find, so I've started doing eBay, now I get to combine my love of shopping and finding great deals with making money.

Answer 7

No you shouldn't feel guilty, but most women do. Myself included. What worked to prove to my husband that I needed me time or I didn't just blow money. I stopped buying the kids stuff and kept telling him when they needed something or whenever money was due for whatever. I also quit cleaning as much. I told him I was taking me time instead of cleaning. He quickly told me to plan a night or afternoon out once a week. Some men are good about it, some men are so naive, some men just don't think. But you shouldn't feel guilty at all! You are a woman and most of us think we are superwomen at that. We need time too.

Answer 8

You've got a full time job. Everyone with a full time job deserves time off. Mommies seldom get this. We work from the time we wake up until the time we go to bed and even then, we're still on call. Then there weekends...
First of all, let your husband know you're going to take some time off. If he's not willing to watch the kids (although I think he should), get a babysitter or ask a family member, and take some time for yourself.
In order for you to be a good, well adjusted mommy, you need to take some time for yourself. Try not to feel guilty, you've earned it. Good luck and enjoy your down time.

Answer 9

There is nothing wrong with knowing that you NEED some adult time. It's part of parenthood to spend almost all of our time, money, and effort on your kids. While your husband gets adult time at work, you are home with the kids. Although work is not leisure time, it gives him the opportunity to hold adult conversations, get out of the house without it being a child related event, etc. Whether he chooses to understand it or not, take that time you need in order to keep your sanity. If not, it will reflect in your parenting. You don't want to begin to resent having a husband and children.

Answer 10

No, you're not wrong for wanting your own time and you deserve to have that. You should be able to arrange with hubby to have at least 1 night to yourself. As for the money, I guess it depends where the money is coming from that you're spending on kids and yourself. It it's your own money, then you're free to do whatever you want with it, provided the bills, mortgage, car car payments etc. are also getting paid. If this is money from hubby ie)you're a stay at home mom, then I think you're still allowed your own allowance - money that's yours to spend how you see fit - without having to provide hubby with all the receipts. If hubby not o.k. with this, then it's time to think about a part time job that does give you some financial independence.