My fiancee has no passion, how do I handle this?

Question

I have been with my gf for 11 months, and there is no passion in our relationship. I guess I had better lay all the variables on the table to get the best answer possible. First, my gf has a disability, so maybe her lack of attention and passion is due to insecurity. Secondly, she has a 4 year old daughter who she takes care of. She had bad relationships in the past. About one month ago, she finally said that she loved me. I love her too, but our relationship is so routine. She seems so cold sometimes. She hardly ever shows affection. I communicated with her twice about her lack of affection and she says that she doesn't mean to be inattentive. Now, I don't need tons of attention, but she NEVER initiates anything. We've had sex only five times since we've been together. She says that sex doesn't do anything for her and it never has. She does have orgasms through clitoral stimulation, however, so we usually end up doing that. I am 24 and she is 30. I love her and her

16 minutes ago
daughter, but it is so difficult to be with someone who doesn't act happy to see me when I come home. She just seems indifferent. Last night, when she opened the door, she didn't even smile. I am always trying to lift her up and build her spirits. I have taken care of her when she has been physically ill. I have been there for her emotionally and morally. I compliment her all the time about how intelligent and beautiful she is. I take her and her daughter places. I give and give. Is it too much to ask for just a little in return? Am I being selfish?

I must add that I know she truly loves me because she recently planned a trip to Hawaii with her timeshare and she is taking me with her. She bought me an awesome Valentine's Day gift, etc, etc. I really don't want to end our relationship. Like I said, I love her and her daughter. I love her because I know that she has a heart of gold even though she has no passion. I love her for what an awesome mother she is. She tries so hard in her life, and I want to be a part of it. I want her to be able to enjoy life, and I want to watch her daughter grow up. I always try to be romantic. On Valentine's Day she just wanted to go to dinner and then come home and make it a Blockbuster night. I had to think outside the box, and make it romantic, but she didn't seem like she was into it at all.

One more thing: passion is not all about sex. It's little things like her not being very happy around me, but happy around others. She says, "I have brought her joy that she hasn't felt in a very long time," but she sure doesn't act like it.

Answer 1

You and she simply aren't on the same page. I understand that you love her, and she may love you, but the point is you are not content with 'where' your relationship is and marriage will NOT improve things.

Think long and hard about whether or not you are willing to live your life with this woman, as things stand...and understand the sex and attention is more likely to lessen, not grow, after you've said "I do".

You can love someone from the depths of your soul, and be a part of their life, without being their romantic partner.

I'd suggest counseling for her alone and you two together BEFORE marriage to see if anything can be done to improve imtimacy. If it helps, great...if not, then you may have to "settle" in that area if you are determined to marry this woman.

Good luck.

Answer 2

Sorry, but i suggest you move on. If you are the more loving type, and she is the cold fish type, it won't work. Take it from me, i know. My ex was the same way. He never showed me or our kids any affection, told us he loved us or even hugged us. I spent 14 miserable years in a one way marriage and it isn't worth it. I am now remarried in a very loving relationship. He has shown me what i missed for so many years. The hugs, the kisses, the i love yous, the holding hands and each other while out or even watching tv. My kids are even happier because they now have a man in their lives who shows the that showing affection is good and makes you feel good. They now get told that they are loved and hugged and shown that there is more to life then money or possesions. This woman will only drag you down and make you feel like you don't deserve love. Thats how i felt and i was wrong. I know it will be hard, but you will be better off.

Answer 3

It sounds as if she does care for you but has issues that prevent her from showing emotion. If you both really care for each other, work thru this together. Talk to her about it and be honest about how it makes you feel when she acts as if you don't exist and doesn't show you the affection and love that YOU need. Go to counseling, if she is willing. You sound like a wonderful man and she may have had so much drama/hurt in her past that it is painful and scary for her to open up to you and really let you in. This will take time but if you truly love her (and she loves you) this can be worked thru. As for the sex, some women are too embarassed to initiate....I don't know if there was abuse in her past or if the disability you referred to is sexually related but even if it is a physical thing about her body that she is embarassed about, don't underestimate how crippling self-hate is. It can destroy you as a person so she may be completely incapable of relaxing and letting herself go so she can enjoy sex with you. Again, therapy could help with this.

Answer 4

Been there and done that. It is no fun being the only one "in love" in a relationship. This is your fiancee' and she is not romantic. Is this how you intend to spend the rest of your life? How are you going to feel when your wedding nght comes around and she doesn't want to consummate your marriage? This is going to eventually become an issue that creates anger and resentment in your relationship. Get help from a therapist TOGETHER or get out before you make a huge mistake. Taking you to Hawaii is not a sign of love it is a sign of familiarity. I was in a relationship just like you are talking about and it ended in a mess.

Answer 5

You call her your fiancee but this relationship is no way near ready to make it a marriage.

You need more than love to make a relationship work....I suggest strongly, because there is a child involved for you both to get some couples counseling to fix these problems before you go any further.

Also she should see her doctor she could be suffering from depression.

Answer 6

Get rid of her that simple. If you're not having the sex life you enjoy then you might as well just be buddies. There are plenty of women out there who are passionate, don't settle for less. Dump her.