What is the best way to handle a typical 4 year old in a group setting?

Question

I want to treat these children the right way. For example, I was so sorry to hear that as a substitute teacher, I took the toy phone away from a child she was enjoying talking into so much, because others wanted a turn. Then in observing at a Montessori school, the teacher said a child should be able to play with an object as long as they want, all day long if necessary. Are there any other sort of hard and fast rules like this about how to treat individuals in a group setting? I thought sharing was important, obviously I was mistaken in that particular situatiion. Any other ideas, not about sharing exactly, but just in general how to handle a group of 4 year olds who inevitably are going to get into conflicts with each other? Have them confront each other, or work at a table separated from others as they hash out what happened and then tell teacher, advice like that is what I am seeking. Or a referral to a good book on handling 4 year olds in groups. Many thanks!

Just wanted to add that the Montessori school did have several of the same toys. Actually, I don't recall seeing play phones at that school. the phone was at a public school. So in a Montessori school there are plenty of toys so sharing isn't as necessary. In fact, that issue doesn't come up much, from what I have seen. I think the idea of the Montessori school is for kids to develop a long attention span as they sit absorbed in play with an object of their choosing that's on the shelf. I think it's a good idea, I'm a little uncertain now hearing one respondent's observation about her cousins and their drug use. I'm not sure it was due to Montessori methods, I will investigate research on long-terms effect of Montessori education if there is any. thanks for the observation.

Just wanted to add that the Montessori school did have several of the same toys. Actually, I don't recall seeing play phones at that school. The phone was at a public school. So in a Montessori school there are plenty of toys so sharing toys isn't as necessary.
I think the idea of the Montessori school is for kids to develop a long attention span as they sit absorbed in either play with an object of their choosing or as they are shown and then practice simple math or phonics using manipulatives (when they show by certain behaviors that they are ready for this). I think it's a good idea in principle. I will investigate research on long-terms effect of Montessori education if there is any, as a follow-up to one respondent's observation about her cousins--thanks for that observation.

Answer 1

I have been a Montessori teacher for over 12 years. In a Montessori classroom a child can use something as long as they want to. When they put it away, another child can use it. In allowing a child to use a material as long as they wish, we are preparing children for learning and lifelong success by encouraging concentration, as well as independence, coordination, self-control, sense of order, initiative, grace, courtesy, compassion, patience, peace, negotiation and self esteem. We don't force sharing. Forcing a child to share will only cause anger and resentment on the child’s part and hinder the goals of the Montessori philosophy. We will empathize with a child who wants something and encourage sharing to come from the heart. This is true to real life. What if you were forced to share your new car with your neighbor? How would you feel? It is essentially the same thing when it comes to a child sharing their prized possessions.

If the toy gets taken away and given to the child who wants it, the child who wanted the toy will not learn to problem solve. It is best for children to work out a problem for themselves, first with a little guidance. Say for example two children are fighting over a toy, say "It looks like you both want to use that (state the problem). Only one toy but two people that want to use it." The children will often say things like "I had it first! I want it!" Then empathize. "I can't tell that you really want that. It's very (upsetting, frustrating, making you angry) that Emma won't give it to you." Talk to the children in ways so that they can see the other person’s point of view. Then let them vent a bit then say "What can we do about this?" Sometimes they will problem solve on their own, other times they need some help. You can then say things like "I have an idea! When Kate it finished with she can give it to you”, or, “how about Kate uses it for 3 minutes and then you can use it?" This approach works very well. Always state the problem, empathize (A little empathy can go a long way. You are just empathizing, not joining into the problem.), validate, and help the child identify their problem, restate their ideas to fix the problem, help them to carry out the solution. Spend less and less time each time. After the children figure out that you won't solve the problem for them, they will get much better at solving their own problems. It takes some practice and active listening, but it works!

Guiding Young Children by Eleanor Reynolds is a great book to help deal with these types of problems. It offers practical problem solving techniques that exclude the use of punishment, blame, or guilt. It also presents techniques for developing listening skills, negotiation, conflict resolution, and setting limits. Hope this helps!

EDIT:
Please ignore the person who connected the Montessori philosophy to future drug use. This was just a coincidence and has NOTHING to do with being a student of Montessori. Check out these famous non-drug addicted students of Montessori. http://www.cmsaa.org/famous.html

Answer 2

4-yr is a great age, thy want to know everything and we can understand the way they think for the first time! I don't think you were wrong to show the children about sharing, 4-yr olds take everything very personally anyway so a different technique might make it go a little better. The little girl needed to be told that other children were waiting to play with it. You might set a timer and have the kids move to a different activity or toy after ten minutes. Or help her find another phone and a friend (classmate) to call.
In a group setting, there are different rules and some of them necessarily stifle the needs of one to work for many. Sharing and leaving an object of play, stops the exploration of that object and the learning involved but it teaches anoter impotant lesson, that all people have the same feelings and needs as we do.
The best thing for you to do is to have a schedule, in a classroom, there already is one. Follow it, it brings comfort. For everything else (works for kids of any age, even husbands) remember what lesson you need to teach and teach that. In a group, kids need to learn to share and respond to others, even to put their own wants and needs aside for the group sometimes. So that's where the lesson is, there is plenty of time and will be plenty of opportunities to learn phone skills and to practice them. I think you did the right thing, Montessori schools are awesome and teach much differently, but you helped that little girl learn a skill she will need to make it in a regular school and in life.
To gt 4-yr old through a conflict, again, find the lesson, Johnny took Billy's toy and a fistfight ensued. The lesson is not to fight, but to talk. Who took who's toy will be lost and should be. Address each child's feelings and tell them what they should have done and what to do now. "Johnny, Billy felt really mad when you took the truck. He was playing with it, next time find another truck and play together. Hitting is not how we play." "Billy, you were mad when Johnny took the truck. He wanted a turn too. Next time, help him find a truck, hitting is not how we play." etc.

Answer 3

The Montessori schools are good if you want a self obsessed child who thinks their needs are the only ones that need to be met. In the REAL world, you teach sharing from the beginning. If they are in daycare from age 1 or 2 you begin teaching that they have to take turns and share the toys available. Children want rules and direction. They will push the limits and try to get their own way. If they have a problem with another child, you take BOTH children to one side and talk to them about the issue and how it can best be solved. You have to have rules and remind them of the rules. 4 yo's are energetic and have to be kept busy to avoid big problems. If you can observe a Head Start Program you will get the best education ever on how to deal with a group of 4 yo's. Kids thrive on routine, rules and having a purpose. When it's time to work alone, they have to be told you have to work on your paper, or project. I'm a mom to 3 children and ALL of mine went to Head Start and it was wonderful.

Answer 4

I don't put a lot of stock in the Montessori theories. My cousins were raised this way and both ended up being drug users and irresponsible in other ways. Children need boundaries and sharing is important, even at 4 yrs old. Life involves sharing at every stage. You share time between parents, toys between siblings, books at the library, etc. Separating and redirecting young children works well. 4 yr olds are bound to have conflicts because they are too immature to have a perspective much beyond "me first". Good luck, don't be afraid to be the adult. It's important and makes a lasting impression.

Answer 5

My wife and I have a 4-year old daughter. We deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis and we pay attention and are as concerned about it as you. Personally I have found that following rules and (even more important) talking to the child and explaining the reasons for why we behave the way we do, why we must share and why we must follow rules is, in the long run, most effective. Too many parents don't want to put in the extra work to explain to a child what you are about to do and why. And I can understand - it can be tedious and exhausting at best. But when I watch my daughter begin to follow rules on her own, show empathy and offer toys to her friends - it becomes worth while- the hard work pays off. Children are like adults- they want rules, but they need to know why we have them and they must be explained to them in a loving and understanding manner.

Answer 6

Allow the child to play and enjoy the toy, later, tell her nicely [with a smile] it is time to share the toy, tell her she will have a few more minutes. I wouldn't just abruptly take it. children have to learn life skills, to children play is life.
Often play is how they learn. If other chidlren want the toy, you could even set out a little timer and when it goes off thats the time to give it up. If an unruly child says no i don't share at home! say firmly 'HERE we do share.' Life is about interaction with other people, we are doing the children a favor by teaching them early that everybody is important, not just them.

Answer 7

How on earth could there possibly be any benefits to NOT teaching common courtesy to children at the youngest of ages? It's actually shocking to me to hear that your school subscribes to what is actually a very selfish behavior.

Children need to be taught from an early age.

Children need to also be taught manners and how to handle conflict. Teach them how to be polite and apologize when they do something to another child.

Setting rules and boundries are very important.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

It is called sharing and because you are in a school environment teaching children to share is proper. I think you did the right thing.