My husband VS. My family? Where's the medium?

Question

I feel like that all my family cares about is what kind of a job my husband has and if he's treating me right. My family won't call my husband about any important family events coming up and seems to not like him much. I know my mother is still mad that I took over the wedding planning and my father is mad that I almost took the beer away from the wedding. My father (I can't believe this) asked me ON MY WEDDING DAY why I was marrying my husband. He hoped it wasn't to get away from them (parents). I love my husband we had been together for over 3 years after getting engaged. What am I suppose to do?

No my husband isn't abusive in any way. He is the sweetest nicest guy with lots of patience. My family knows they're not nice, they've mentioned that they wouldn't be nice in e-mails.

Answer 1

I know what your going through...when I got married, my family was totally against it...it even got to the point where they didn't come to my wedding...I told them that I'm an adult, I love my husband, and that what ever issues they have with him they are going to have to put aside...For a few months I didnt talk to my family at all no phone calls or emails....eventually they called me one day because they missed me so much....The point is...you have to let them know your serious about your marrige and that they are going to have to accept your husband as a member of the family now. I know its very scary to have to talk to your parents like that and be the one who's laying down the law, but its the only way...I hope you can work things out with your family...good luck

Answer 2

Your family should be concerned about your happiness, nothing else. Your husband's job (and your's too) is none of their business. Making small talk, asking howzit going, are you busy, working any overtime, etc is fine. That's just normal everyday questions. But your family should not be harrassing you or him or discussing pay checks and promotions, unless you want to brag a little. :-)

Also, if you notice the problem, you can be sure your husband does also. I suggest that you tell him that you love him, that you are on his side, and nothing your family does will come between the two of you. Tell him that your life is with him and how happy he makes you!

If you live close to your family, go there alone for a visit. At the first time something negative is said about your husband, just say, "Please stop-I didn't come here for that. Do not talk about my husband." Then you can say, since you brought up "husband" why don't you call him when something is going on??? Make sure you're smiling. This way you make sure that they know how hurtful they have been to you and him.

Finally, if the negative barbs don't stop and invitations to your husband are not forthcoming, advise them that you will not attend any function that your husband is not welcome to attend.

I sincerely hope that your parents (and siblings?) love you so much that they quickly see they are wrong and change their ways....

Good luck....

Answer 3

This is a very hard situation to be in. I know exactly where you are coming from. Me and my husband have been together for 10 years and about 4 years ago a stiuation happened within our family based business that has made relationships very difficult. It was hard for me because I was in the middle of my husband and my family. I did not what to take sides but at the same time had to. The way I look at it is, my husband and my children are my family now. They are my number one concern and should always be put first. Although I love my parents and siblings I do not live with them and therefore my loyalty is with my husband and children. Hope that makes sense.

Answer 4

Well, it is natural that your family wants you to be well taken care of. However, it does sound as if your family pushes the envelope a little too far. You need to go have a good sit down talk with your parents (just you and your parents). You need to let them know that what you see happening is disturbing to you and that you want it to stop. It might help if you sit down and list some of the recent events/occasions where things have happened that have upset you or your husband. You need to tell them that you are an adult and can handle whatever life brings to you but that you love them for being there if you need them. They may not really realize how obvious they are being and may be doing this more on a subconscious level. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

When you took your vows with your husband, you vowed to put him first, yes, even over your parents.

You are now a grown woman and you need to expect to receive the respect that you deserve from your parents. What I mean by that is that when you parents start saying anything negative about your husband or being married, you need to stand up to them and just tell them that while you appreciate their concern, it is none of the business and you don't want to hear any more negative criticism about your husband/wedding/house, etc., then change the subject.

It is not unsual that your parents don't contact you husband about upcoming family events as long as they are in contact with you about it, but it is expected that they treat him with courtesy and respect at those outings. If they don't, then leave if they become rude, or if they are always rude, tell them in advance you will not be attending any family functions until you husband is made to feel welcome also.

Answer 6

There really is not a whole lot you can do. Tell your parents I love my husband, you dont have to love him or even like him but if you want me to participate in any family events you will at least be polite and show him some respect. No offence but they seem a little uncouth, you may have to be very blunt in explaining how you feel. I have gone through the same thing except it is my husbands family who were that way towards me. His mother tried to plan my whole wedding and kept changing my plans, I had to politely put her in her place, and she was not happy but she got over it, thye odnt love me but they are much kinder now that they know I wont have them treating me like that. I dont deserve it and either does your husband.

Answer 7

It sounds to me your parents are having a hard time letting go of their daughter, and they are in the long run taking it out on your husband and not realizing what is best for their daughter. You are happy? You love your husband? if the answer is yes to both then your family should be happy for you and except him with open arms he is now a part of you and they have to make him a part of the whole family. If they don't it is only going to push you away from them and then they will loose both of you. Good luck, if you know your husband will stick by you forever then you have nothing to worry about. Your parents are the ones who need to be worrying.

Answer 8

It was YOUR wedding, so your family didn't really have any say in the decision-making process. If they were giving you that much crap about your wedding, you should have just gone to the courthouse to get married and excluded them altogether. There is no medium. As long as you and your husband love each other and get along, then your family needs to be quiet because your marriage is none of their business. It's normal for them to be concerned whether your husband is treating you right, but as long as he IS treating you right, then they need to leave you alone.

Answer 9

Your husband comes 1st. He is your closest family member. Sit down and talk with your family. "I love you guys, but you're not treating Danny with the proper respect that he deserves as a part of this family - my family. I feel really bad about this, but if you can't accept him and start to treat him better, then I have no other choice but to limit my time with you."

This way you're not completely cutting them off.

Good luck.

Answer 10

I would sit down with your family and have a big discussion over this -you could tell you mom something to the effect - gee mom i'm sorry I took over the planning of the wedding and I know that upset you,but I did it because...............,and i'm sorry if it made you feel bad...............
you could tell your dad something to the effect - gee dad I know you were upset because of the issue with the beer at the wedding,but I did it because.......................and i'm sorry if it upset you,but you realy hurt me when you asked why I was marrying my husband.................
Let them know that you love them,but its not there descision who you marry,and that you chose who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with................
I would also include something about not including your husband in on family events........
Its a big obsacle to tackle,,,and I wish you the best of luck..........in the end if all else fails,,just remember,you picked him,and you have to live with him,not your family............