For research purposes ONLY [ie: take with a grain of salt], what is the most offensive religious joke you know

Question

Any and all religions are fair game. Anyone who can make a joke about their own personal religion at their own religion's expense will be a LOT more likely to get the 10 points.

I'm sick of hearing people claim "Christianity is the only safe religion to slander..." So let's prove 'em wrong.

Relevance: It took me a few seconds to get that one. LOVE IT! :)

Yaabro: No, not all information. It would be sufficent to show that a necessary consequence was not present.

gratvol: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it! Thank you!

Tony: DUDE! I love those too... I was Catholic when I was younger, so that's a special treat. Thanks! :)

Answer 1

What do a pen*s and the bible have in common?
They both get shoved down your throat by a priest.

What is the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang a picture.

By the way, I'm a Catholic.

Answer 2

Sorry, this isn't offensive per se. In fact it can be shared with kids. But I like it. It shows how easy ancient texts can be manipulated and made erroneous:

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THE ORIGINAL TEXT

The Pope dies and goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee headed by Peter. After a whirlwind tour of heaven, he is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad of recreations available.

He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, so he spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pour over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.

All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The Angels come running in only to find the Pope distraught in his chair, crying to himself, and muttering, "The 'R'! The scribes left out the 'R'." A particularly concerned Angel takes him aside, offering comfort, and asks him what the problem is and why he is so upset. After collecting himself, the Pope sobs again, "It's the letter 'R'. They left out the letter 'R'! The word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!"

Answer 3

A orthodox couple preparing wedding meets their rabbi. The rabbi asks if they have question before leave. The man asks: Rabbi, men dance with men and women with other women. But, we´d like your permission to dance together. Absolutely not, says the rabbi. So after the ceremony I can´t even dance with my own wife? No, aswered the rabbi.Well, OK, says the man.What then about sex? Can we finally have sex?
Of course replies the rabbi. Sex is a mitzvah. What about different positions? asks the man. No problem says the rabbi. Its a mitzvah. Woman on top? Sure, go for it says the rabbi, its a mitzvah. Doggy style? On the kitchen table? Yes, yes said the rabbi, it s a mitzvah. Can we do it standing up? No, said the rabbi. Why not? asks the man.

It could lead to dancing =)

haha I knew you would like it. The thing is its So true.

Answer 4

Make fun of my own religion? Hmm let's see.

What is an Asatruar’s idea of a balanced diet?
- A horn of mead in each hand!

Loki drops by for a visit in Asgard.
"Hey, Frigg, how´s it going ? Where´s your husband ?"
"Ah, he´s just hanging around again..."
"Really ? You give him too much rope..."

"Odin said to his Choosers of Slain:
"Come, fill me my mead-horn again.
And go find some seed
and leaves of the weed,
they don´t call me the High One in vain."




Oh but the best one does have something to do with Christianity...

Once upon a time there was a young Jewish girl named Mary. One day, while she was out in the barn mucking out the stall of the family donkey, Herod, she poured out her heart to her long-eared friend: "Herod, I'm done for. My sweet Centurion, Panthera, promised to be careful, but he wasn't, and now he's been transferred to Alexandria. I'm knocked up and they're gonna stone me for sure! Jehovah isn't going to help me; he's the one that made up that stupid rule to begin with. I sure could use some help- even from a Pagan God!"

At that moment, a large spider slid down a thread hanging from the barn roof. "Sure is a funny-looking horse you've got there. I had a horse once, literally, but that's another story."

"What, a talking spider?"

"Tell you what, Mary, old Loki's gonna help you. Take this little silk bag, and mix the powder inside into the jug of wine your dad's keeping for your engagement feast. Make sure that old geezer Joe gets a snootful, then announce to everyone that you're going to be the virgin mother of their savior. Trust me, once they've had a dose of what's in that bag, they'd even believe that that horse-thing of yours was the REAL King Herod, but don't push your luck!"

"Well, I don't know, but I suppose it's worth a try, seeing as I've got nothing to lose..."

"Get a move on now, girl! We'll discuss my reward later."

The next week, Mary whistled a happy tune as she attended to her habitual stall-mucking. "Well, Loki, it worked. Old Joe's babbling about angels and treating me like a Queen!"

"Worked, schmerked. Of course it worked. Before it's over, they'll put you up on a pedestal as Queen of Heaven. Not to mention the little bastard (no offense intended): they'll think he's Jehovah himself. That boy - did I tell you it's gonna be a boy- is gonna help me settle some old scores- some REAL old scores," gloated the spider. "These southern flies of yours sure are big and juicy. I've enjoyed my vacation here, but it's time to head home. Which brings me to the subject of my reward," chuckled the spider, transforming himself into a handsome young man with red hair.

As Mary glanced admiringly up and down his slim but muscular form, Loki knew it was payday. "Well, my dear," he whispered into her ear, "you can't get any more pregnant than you already are, now, can you?"...

Answer 5

as for my own religion i like the redneck Pagans lines. such as...


If your ceremonial garb consists of cut-offs and a tube top,

If you've reached the 3rd degree but not the 3rd grade,

Or if your coven's secret names for the God and Goddess are "Cooter" and "Sweet Cheeks".....


If your ceremonial chalice says "Budweiser" on it...

If chewing tobacco is considered a sacred herb...

If your circle dance includes the words "dosey-do",

Or if your altar pentacle is a photo of John Wayne's star on the Hollywood "Walk Of Fame"...

Now if your coven chose it's High Priest at a belching contest,

If your anointing oil smells like "Old Spice"...

And if you have ever refilled your chalice from a keg...

If your Goddess picture says "Miss September" at the bottom,

Or your God statue looks a little too much like Elvis Presley...

If you have ever written a spell on the back of a Denny's menu...

Or if you have ever cancelled a coven meeting to watch Pay-Per-View wrestling on TV...


You are definately a Redneck Pagan!


If your cakes and ale consist of moonpies and a cold "Bud"...

Or if your coven sword says "Power Rangers" on it

If your Book Of Shadows has a picture of Kyle Petty or Dale Earnhart on it....

If your divination kit consists of a picture of Dionne Warwick
and a 1-900 number...

Or if your idea of a pilgrimage to a sacred circle is going to the Indy 500....


Now if your ceremonial head-dress has a bill and says "Chevrolet" on it,

Or if your Sabbat Queen's head-dress is made out of those little nylon flowers the veterans hand out in front of the supermarket...

If you chose "Jim Bob" or "Stormin Normin" as a magickal name...

If you think charging is done with a Master Card...

Or if your Balefire says "Coleman" on it...

Now, if your covenstead says "Winnebago" on the side, you're NOT necessarily a Redneck Pagan, but if your covenstead's up on blocks, well......

Now if your Goddess visualizations look too much like Pamela Anderson.....

Or if your initiatory ordeal consisted of being blind-folded with a confederate flag and leg-wrestling...

If your idea of a Pagan festival consists of a tailgate party and tickets to the superbowl...

Or if your ceremonial chants are by Garth Brooks...

And finally...If your coven's guided meditations start out with a burger at "Hooter's,"

or if you think a "Gerald Gardner" is farm equipment...

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a Christian minister once siad to me (he is a friend of mine)

"you cannot be a solitary Pagan"

so i said .........."why not"

and he replied...

"because a single log never burns well"

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Answer 6

There's one about a witch,a broomstick,a patch of ice and a bit of KY Jelly,but wow. It's just not fit for public conversation. <3

Answer 7

What kind of meat does the Pope eat? Nun

Answer 8

Atheism is a good joke. What an absolute statement that God doesn't exist. You would have to have all the information that ever existed to claim that. Not to mention going against commen sense and your conscience. Scientology is also pretty funny.

Answer 9

Who wants to go build a bonfire in the woods?

Answer 10

rabbi and priest walk into a bar on family guy and the rabbi says did you hear the one about us walking into a bar