"The day's just beginning, you see the girl you love, you don't know what to do or say, you're friends, you talk to eachother everyday, on the phone, computer, you're walking with her, talking, laughing, having the time of your life, the sun hits ya, you smile at her she smiles at you, it's time to say goodbye, you hug and walk off, you're walking, past places where we played as kids, later you talk to eachother, time's ending, you say you'll see eachother tomorrow, you know what, you're in goddamn love, is there anything else better in the world"
2007-02-27 13:58:21 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
That's a paragraph. And not so hot for prose...or poetry.
2007-02-27 14:00:39 · answer #1 · answered by parrotsandgrog 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's okay, but it doesn't have any imagery. It's more like a short story. Make it more exciting; make it seem as if though time should stop for the people in love in the poem. Go into detail about the simple things. "You smile at her she smiles at you" is a good line, but "you hug and walk off" doesn't really make the readers think. Not bad for your very first poem, but put more thought into it next time. =)
2007-02-27 22:05:11 · answer #2 · answered by ¥§Anaşia 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it's a great first poem! I think that when you feel something and put it into words, there is no such thing as a bad poem.
You did very well and congrats for putting it out there for all to see!!
Kudos to you!!
2007-02-27 22:06:15 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well that's great that you had the guts to put it on here sweetie I think that it doesn't have to ryme you told what you were feeling good for you! Rock on Sister!
2007-02-27 22:03:01 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Thank you for asking me sir, but, you know, sorry :)
2007-02-27 22:09:02 · answer #5 · answered by Gone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it needs to have better form, better meter.
2007-02-27 22:01:06 · answer #6 · answered by Halls of Colours 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋