My future mother in law is manipulative and trying to make demands on MY wedding. It is all about the bride and I AM THE BRIDE Not her. Yet she is trying to control WHO i invite (even though she is not paying for the wedding, my parents are) and she is going to give me and my fiance a "gift" of paying 3,000 dollars for a list of people she wants to come to the wedding. That is not a gift! And my parents dont want any of her money, especially if it is just a little drop in the bucket like 3,000. That wouldnt even cover a third of the wedding cost.
What do I do? I dont want to fight with her. This horrible woman has even threatened NOT coming to the wedding to my mom on the phone if i dont invite exactly who SHE wants to the wedding! And the only person that would hurt is my fiance (her son) not me or my family. At this point I would be happy if she didn't show up cause then my fiance could see what a bad mother he has. Any suggestions for dealing with this mother in law?
2007-02-27 11:50:22 · 14 answers · asked by Educated 7 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Let me say also that my fiance's mother doesn't even know her son's favorite meals cause she REFUSES to make anything for him. He became a vegatarian when he was about 12 and she just fed him "side dishes" for meals and thinks that is ok. She even said that at the wedding her son "does NOT need any special meals, he can eat whatever" (that is after my mom made sure to let her know that we were thinking of her son too. We have some special meals that he will like at the wedding that he can pick and choose from.
Also the 3,000 is being forced upon us. She thinks this is a bargaining table and she has pick this random number of 3,000 to invite and pay for a table of HER friends. Which I and my mother thinks is rude of her to do. Everytime I see her she starts asking me all about the guest list and the invitations haven't even been ordered yet! (the 3,000 mind you is her "gift" to us and when my mother told her to instead take that money and give her son & I a 3,000 gift instead...
2007-02-27 14:05:58 · update #1
she said "no. I dont want to do that." At her oldest son's wedding a year ago, her other son was paying for his own wedding and she gave him 3,000 dollars so she could invite her friends. So it didn't help them (as it wouldnt help me) it just ADDS to the guest list.
No I am not a bridezilla. She HAD her OWN wedding years ago and this time it is MY wedding. Because she bullied my future sister in law and her other son into inviting who she said had to come to the wedding she seems to think she can do it again with me.
I dont want to fight with her or have bad blood with her. So I am here asking anyone who has a bad mother in law...
How do you deal with her? What should I say and do so I can have the wedding I want without having her try to pick a fight with me? My parents have refused her random "gift" of 3,000 because it is an insult and rude &yet she is STILL pushing the issue. I wish she would follow up on her threat and not show up to the wedding ,which she already has said.
2007-02-27 14:12:02 · update #2
Oh honey I know what you're going through. My mother in law flew in from out of state a week before the wedding and started complaining that she wasn't involved in anything. Then, she doesn't show up for any of the bridal showers or the bachelorette party that my mom and aunts threw for me. Then she offered to pay for the cake and we got a call on our honey moon saying that the cake hadn't been paid for and that darling M-I-L hadn't even tried to contact the company to pay for it. She insulted my family over and over again the entire week she was here and I still haven't forgiven her for it. My word of advice? DON'T LET HER RUIN YOUR WEDDING!!!!!! My regret is that I didn't put my foot down and put her in her place from the start. Do you know what she said to my husband a month after we were married? "I just feel like the whole time we were out there it was all about you." GUESS WHAT??? it was our wedding. It was all about us. It's your wedding. It's all about you. Gently but firmly tell her that your wedding is important to you. This is a time to be surrounded by your close friends and family, those who supported you two in your relationship and those that you WANT to be there. Let her know that you appreciate the fact that she wants to be a part of your wedding, but you know what you want, and if she ever wants to see her son again, she better back off... Ok just kidding. But seriously. Ask her to respect you while you make your wedding plans. If all goes well you only get to have one wedding in your lifetime, and it needs to be how you want it. Not her. Shes already had hers. That's what i had to tell my lovely m-i-l. 'You've had three. Let me have my one!!!!"
2007-02-27 12:46:02 · answer #1 · answered by britt g 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Not sure why you are so insulted that she wants to give you $3000 toward your wedding. It is what she can afford and just because you want to spend $$$$$$$ doesn't make it her problem. How many people are we talking? Keep it simple. My neighbor gave 100 seats to the grooms family, 100 to the brides family and 100 to the bride/groom....that sounded really nice. The grooms family decided they were going to include 34 children... all of whom would be counted as adults because of the catering situation.... eventually the bride had invitations printed "Adults Only" and made a decision that his family could fill the seats with bozo the clown look alikes if they wanted to....and I thought that was a great attitude. I hate to break it to you....the wedding day is all about the bride...the wedding is all about family. You are bringing together everyone to celebrate your love and to meet/greet. Usually the groom is clueless about addresses and relatives to invite and his mom makes up the list (unless he's over 30 and exceptionally organized) so since she's been through the drill, she already has a list. I dont see the big trouble there either.... let your fiance trim the list down...and let your fiance deal with his mother.... all you have to do is keep being happy and gracious...and stop calling her horrible before you have seen what horrible really is...its not ppl who try to give you a gift and anticipate your needs and step on your toes.... really its not. You are insulted by the size of gift which is just plain greedy.....its a gift not a given. The reason parents choose a dollar amount is so that they give you the authority to decide where to make cuts and what priorities are important to you....if she said spend it all on the dress or the hall or the caterer she'd be deciding for YOU...... but you missed all that with your spoiled brat attitude. Your fiance is not freaking out that his mom doesn't make special meals for him...maybe she doesn't think he needs to be babied. But if you want to be his mom....go right ahead, start it now and you'll be doing it for the next 50 or so years.....
2007-02-27 16:29:53 · answer #2 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The only person who should be dealing with your future mother-in-law is your future HUSBAND. It is his wedding as well! Talk to your man and clue him in on the situation. Let him know that you would like to find a solution to this situation but you feel that it's important that he take the lead in this matter. You will not only be showing respect to your fiance but you will avoid engaging in a no win fight with his mother. You have to be the mature one. Even if you are 100% right, no man wants his wife fighting with his mother -- you wouldn't live it down. And the same is true for you. If there was a problem with your parents, it would be your responsibility to handle it. If you and your fiance can't set boundaries before you get married, it will be more difficult to do so afterward.
Also, think about what this wedding may mean to her. Put yourself in her "shrewish" shoes for one second: She is probably spinning out of control because she feels like she is losing a son and is being replaced by you. You will become the new Mrs. So-and-So. If they are close, this could be rather traumatic for her. That doesn't excuse her behavior but it does explain it; hence, her need for control over this wedding. If this is the case, it becomes even more important for your fiance to talk to his mother. She needs to understand that HE made the choice to be with you and that SHE needs to honor this new relationship. If you get into it with her, YOU become the problem. I hope this helps. Best of luck!
2007-02-27 12:22:52 · answer #3 · answered by ladylee1230 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
While I understand your family is footing the bill, this day is not all about you. You are actually marrying another person, right?
If these people are people that mean something to your fiance, then taking her money (if it is a fair amount per head to compensate for those people YOUR FIANCE [not just her] would like to have there) then I'd take it - not as a gift, but as a contribution to the wedding cost incurred in part by your fiance's side of the deal.
Other than that, I would tell her to butt out and stop acting like a 3 year old to get her way. Take notice that this is an omen of manipulation to come and you best have your husband put mom in her place and establish YOUR place first thing before the wedding happens or you will have constant hassle.
In short, you need to get your fiance to tell her to butt out. HE needs to be the one to set her straight now and forever. Otherwise you will always be that *****her son married.
I think she is way out of line and needs to have much more respect for you and your family. What an *** she is to say what your fiance should not have to eat at his wedding
2007-02-27 11:59:26 · answer #4 · answered by justbeingher 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Wow, reign in the bridezilla there a little bit and take a deep breath. That's right...breathe...okay... better now?
Honey, the mother of the groom has every right to invite people to the wedding, regardless of who pays. It is actually nice of her to offer $3,000 to cover the cost of one table of her friends. For one table of friends, $3,000 will most definately cover the price of their seats at the reception.
It sounds as though your parents are getting a little power trip going. Just because they are paying does not mean that this isn't a special event for everyone involved. Yes, you are the bride, but the wedding is NOT all about you. It's also about your groom. And your parents. And his mother.
A previous poster was correct in saying that the guest list should be evenly distributed between your side and your groom's side. There should be an equal number of guests invited by your parents as by his mother.
2007-02-28 07:28:35 · answer #5 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The next time she threatens not to come, very CALMLY say these words:
"We will miss you if you're not there, but that is your choice."
Then, if she follows through on the threat, she isn't the victim of the horrible Bridezilla her lovely little boy is marrying, but the mother who wouldn't come to her own son's wedding.
I am actually the son of the manipulative mother (see my story on another question I answered recently in this category). One thing I've learned, albeit through many years of counseling, is you can't "make" anyone do anything. You can't make her come to the wedding, you can't make her stay home from the wedding, you can't make her treat you fairly, etc.
However, what you can do - you and your fiance - is you can sit down and decide what boundaries you want in your marriage. Because I promise you, this is the tip of the iceberg if you don't.
Boundary: you may not dictate who we do and do not invite to our wedding. If you'd like to give us some money as a gift to help with the wedding costs, we will be grateful, but understand that we will not feel obligated to invite your friends. If you cannot accept that, don't give us the money.
(Now, in my case, I would be delighted to invite my mom and dad's friends to my wedding, but I've hung out with them since I was a little kid ... went to school with their kids, spent Fourth of July at pool parties at their homes, etc. If your fiance doesn't have that kind of relationship with his mom's friends, don't feel compelled to invite them.)
And, to save you a trip back here:
Boundary: you may not dictate what kind of house we buy. That is our choice. We have to live here, not you.
Boundary: you may not dictate how we discipline our children. We are the parents, not you. (Sample corollary: when our children are at your home, you may expect them to follow the rules of your house. You may not use any method of discipline that we do not agree with.)
Boundary: our finances are not your concern. If we need your help, we will ask for it.
These are not being mean. These are not being unloving. This is how adults relate to each other.
Let us know how it goes.
2007-02-27 12:48:07 · answer #6 · answered by JohnD 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A wedding is the joining of two families, which sometimes, as you are learning, is a difficult task.
Manipulative mothers-in-law are always a challenge, but you can rise to this occasion. Sometimes it's because the person has done an excellent job of rearing a wonderful potential spouse (your fiance, of course) and doesn't feel that they are getting enough credit, attention, or respect for having done such a marvelous job. However, her time in the spotlight of his life is nearly over, so the most important thing for you to do is to make her or her concerns irrelevant. Take the steam out of her tendency to bulldoze, take the wind out of her sails, and paint her into a small corner where she can do the least amount of harm.
You don't want to alienate her, however, because if you show disrespect to your m-i-l you set the stage for her son to allow your children to disrespect you later. What to do?
Give her some small, inconsequential area to completely control or dominate. Something you can PRETEND to be wildly concerned about and overwhelmingly interested in . . . except that you're really NOT. This way, she has no reason to jump into other areas, and everyone can be taught to bring up her subject area whenever she opens her mouth. It's nice if you can dovetail that item with the money she wants to contribute. For example, if the corsages will cost approximately $3,000--it's all hers. Or maybe the cake. Who knows? She may have hidden talents in some area of detail that you don't care about, and you can always talk it up bigtime in the pictures and videos later.
As for the guest list, this is the time for you to claim innocence, stupidity, and an inability to understand basic English. Make sure that you have figured out how many invitations you need to make sure everyone that you want to come is covered, and then have your FATHER give HER HUSBAND a request for the number of guests you expect her to provide names and addresses for.
You, being the bride, can claim that you are not in charge of any of that, as your dad is PAYING for it all (whether that is EXACTLY true or not) and that you are just so deliriously happy to be marrying her wonderful son, and getting all this marvelous attention, that you can't figure out such intricate details. . . . then ask her to teach you exactly how to make her son's favorite dishes . . . .
2007-02-27 12:14:40 · answer #7 · answered by nora22000 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Is she manipulative, or are you unreasonable and selfish. I don't know you so I don't know the answer, but boy your question sure does put you in a negative light. You sound greedy and immature and every sterotype that gives bridezillas their names. And if this isn't the case, you need to rethink your post.
It is not unreasonable to expect an equal division of the guest list. Just because your parents are paying does not make it your wedding alone.
This is equally her and her sons. Yes. Yes it is.
3000 is a kind offer to compensate your family for additional guests. As long as space allows - what is the harm?
You have the right to choose flowers, dresses, etc. You have a right to invite the friends you want and an OBLIGATION to divide the rest of the guest list EVENLY between his family and yours.
And if you are too selfish to see this, then it will cause problems with your future-in-laws and ultimately your marriage.
It sounds like you love your wedding more than your fiance that you are willing to sacrifice his happiness for your petty money issues.
And the fact that your fiance hasn't stepped in says to me that he thinks your are wrong, and just doesn't want to tell you.
Your only other choice it to marry yourself, which from the sounds of it would make you a lot happier.
Good Luck!
2007-02-27 12:37:53 · answer #8 · answered by apbanpos 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You have to make a compromise. Not necessarily with her but on how you're doing this wedding. She's not looking over your shoulder every minute. Invite the people you want and don't tell, do everything without telling her, you don't have to answer to her. Talk to your fiance and see if it's also ok with him if you take the invitations for his mother's friends say you'll drop them off at the post office and then don't!
2007-02-27 12:04:37 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋
Don't (j/k) Since it is your wedding, you should tell her in a nice way that its your wedding and you don't need someone to come in and take over, and ask her if she has any suggestions and you talk them over with your husband and then you decide if they will benefite you in any way. Just don't leave her out, because that will start a big confusion. Just enjoy your day and invite who you want to come. Congratulations on your BIG day.
2007-02-27 12:03:52 · answer #10 · answered by tomeca18 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋