Do you think disowning my mother is the right choice?....?

Question

To sum it all up in a nutshell...
My mother will not allow my sister who is 13 yrs. old to spend the night with me and my family or go places with us. This frustrates me, and this is the last issue that exploded in to this war between her and I. She constantly snaps at people whenever she wants, hangs up on them if she doesn't want to answer their questions or doesn't like what they're saying.(incl. me) She says whatever she wants to people and doesn't care, and then places the blame on the other party.(incl. me) I have a now 5 year old daughter, who she never wants to do anything with, and asking her to watch her overnight or anytime is like pulling teeth. Most grandmothers take their grandchildren places, have them spend the night or the weekend, they would love to watch their grandchildren.. Well, not my mother.. Anythime I would start a job, she would agree to watch my daughter and them back out a few weeks after I started. She has called me names (her own daughter)...etc..

Answer 1

OK from someone who has spent a good part of my life in a up hill battle to find a happy balance with my mother and to also stay apart of my 14 year old sisters life i completely understand where you are coming from and it sucks! my mother has chosen friends from work over me and my sister, boyfriends and then a step dad who treated her like crap and ended up walking out on her when she got sick over us said choosing between me and my EX- husband was like choosing between her right and left arm!! until he totaled her extra-car he was borrowing and did not tell her till i found out and told her! so i hear you and the best thing i finally did after all the tears and all the pain and fighting was to finally except a few things about my mother A. if this is what she thinks good mothering is i wonder how great her mother really was to her? i loved my grandma and she was a good grandma but my mom got some of her ideas from somewhere! B. i cant go back and have a do over! she will never be the mom who baked cookies for my class party or make me a Halloween costume or not say mean things to me those are all done no do overs so i need to quit crying over them! C. only allow her in to my life on my terms which means i have not gone out of my way to spend a holiday with her in 10 years i go to my dads house and my in-laws i send her her gift and she sends ours but i don't worry if we see each other she know where i am at and is welcome any time! I never ask her to watch my girls i also don't invite her to school plays, awarded ceremonies or anything extra to do with my kids if she does not want to spend time with them why would i think she would want to go to these type of things so i just don't ask! i don't call her if she has something to say she can call me and talk to me i am never rude or disrespectful or say oh wow nice of you to call finally i just let it be! you need to start treating you mom like a friend and i use that term loosely because i treat my friends who i love and trust better then my mom to be honest! but what i mean is if she calls you great talk nice don't bring up the past don't ask why or how comes because you wont ever get the answer don't ask her to watch your daughter don't stop by her house don't do favors for her just live your life and all ways know she will never be the mom you want so you will dye trying to get her to be unless you let that fantasy go and try to have a relationship based on who she is! as for your sister until she is 18 your mom controls her it sucks but it is what it is i send my sister money if she needs it and talk to her do lunch and she know the reasons why our relationship has to be what it is and its not because of her or me its the way mom wants it and so for now that's the way it is as long as your sister understands this and know you love her then she will be OK! good luck and stay strong and just be a better mother then you have that's what i do and it helps heal the pain and it will break the cycle!

Answer 2

Call your local child protective agency for your sister. No one should have to live with that (I did). Once your sister is free then disown your mother. Once she has nothing else she will come crawling back (mine did).

Your mother needs therapy, she honestly does. She also needs support. Which is the hard part since she's been such a wench to you. Unfortuantely there isn't a way to force people into that sort of therapy. But what you can do if you have a few others who need to hash things out, you can call an "intervention" and tell her to her face what you think of her.

Because of all the other people it will make it hard to escape the feelings and words that you will be telling her. Some of it she might not even know because she is not willing to hear you out.

Talk to counselors on what they would do in this situation. It sounds a lot like my life at the moment as well.

I wish you the best.

Answer 3

You know, I don't think I would allow her to watch your kids either, because of the way she is. Your mother is going to be who she is. There is nothing you can do about it. She has to want to change herself and especially of the way she treats people. She is not a nice person, so how is it that you want her to take care of your child? As much as you love your mom, you as a parent are suppose to protect your child from any kind of harm. You are a parent are suppose to remove the 'problem' from your home so that way your child will not have to see her behavior. If you keep putting your mother in front of your child, and you know how your mother is, do you think that is teaching your child anything? No, it is teaching your child or other children that her behavior is okay.

So, by not being around her, would actually teach your child that her behavior is not tolerated at all. So, don't let her babysit any of your kids until she changes her behavior. She backs out of babysitting because she either doesn't want to watch your child, or she just doesn't care.

Stay away from her for awhile. Then when she starts asking why you are treating her like that, just tell her that you don't want your child to be in an environment to which they can learn that it is okay to behave like that. Tell her that you will just find another babysitter. Don't put your kids with someone who is so mean an evil. Not very smart at all.

Plus, if you are married, I don't think it is fair to your husband having to go through with seeing a wife come home all upset all because of her mother. It won't be fair to him at all. Just find another sitter.

I guess until your sister is old enough, she can maybe go visit you, but right now, she is still a minor and under your mother's authority. So, your mother has the say so.

Answer 4

I was disowned by all of my siblings when my parents died. It was very hurtful for about 1 day, until I remembered that they were all insane, and lived in a constant state of chaos.

They were not the kind of family I could ever count on in a crisis, or for advice. They were constant drains on my emotions, and were in need of money or a place to stay all the time. I have been SO much better off since not having anything to do with them, you just couldn't imagine!

There are times that I get lonesome for them, believe it or not, because I know that I have all these brothers and sisters, and holidays seem sparse without big crowds in my house. But I have found my own "family" and they are better because they are chosen. My children grew up and now my family has grown, but you really don't need that negativity and chaos in your life.

It is her loss, and her regret that she is losing her grandchild and her daughter's affections. Once this happens, she may wake up one day and realize that she lost you and will come to her senses. As for your little sister, she will find a way to see you, and she will be of legal age soon enough. I wouldn't worry much about that.

Stay away from your negative mother. Raise your daugher in peace and harmony, and let her know what a real mother is like. Don't expose her to that kind of harmful influence. She needs you now, and doesn't need that ugly grandmother. It is better to try and explain that Grandma is busy than to explain why she is being ugly!

Answer 5

Those who are answering the question with don't ever disown your mother do not know the pain of abuse. This is abuse, plain and simple. There is no excuse for it. Some mothers get off on playing controlling mind games with their daughters; it makes them feel like a woman or something. For whatever reason, they punish their daughters. Break that abusive cycle for your sake and for your daughter's sake, you do not want your daughter to see this wretched, unreasonable hostility. If your daughter is not accepted by your mother than I have two questions. Do you want your daughter to see this woman's behavior? Do you want your daughter to see you go through this? Do you want your mother's nastiness to continue to impact your life in any way?
Run from that wench! If needed your sister will come to you later when she is an adult and the two of you can have a relationship without interference from Old Stormy.
Perhaps you can intervene on your sister's behalf and remove her from the burden of living with a madwoman.
Psychological abuse is just as, if not more devastating than, physical abuse. Scars on the body heal, scars on the mind take a professional's help.
Your mom is at war, a war that is waging within herself. Do not be the prisoner of that war.
Wishing you, your sister and your daughter the best!

Answer 6

This is an interesting question because it is not so clean cut. I think that your mother is certainly difficult from your description, however disowning her will not solve the problems. So i think you shouldn't disown her, but simply not make an effort with her. i think her actions are control/power focused and once you remove that capability from her then she doesn't have this tool. It seems you have built a nice family on your own and you will only become bitter if this attitude continues which is something you don't want entering your household.
It is a hard situation because you have a sister you care about - if you disown your mum then you can lose contact with you sister also - which is something you probably don't want.
Maybe suggest a coffee with your mum and outline how you feel in an unemotional way, if she doesn't like what she has heard then i suggest you don't make an effort in contacting her or letting her hurt you this way again!

Hope this helps..

Answer 7

A relationship with your mother is very unhealthy. She needs some kind of help. Was she like this when you were growing up? It doesn't sound like you can sit down and discuss this with her. I suggest write a letter to her about how you feel and the damage her behavior is causing you. Wait a couple of days and reread it, rewrite it if you need to. Send her this letter explaining why you are severing to relationship. Be sure to also say you love her. When writing this letter use "I" statements. I feel when you do. It takes away the blame and she won't be on the defensive. Also mention that you don't want your daughter growing up and seeing this kind of talk and behavior. You are responsible for her and you need to protect her, even if it is from your own mother. Be sure you are ready to follow through cutting off ties with her before you send the letter. If it isn't something you can do don't say to her. Or be around her and when she starts her behavior....LEAVE, without saying a thing. She will klnow why you left. Sorry to here about the strained relationship with your mom.

Answer 8

I wouldn't disown her because she is your mother and you'll never have another one but maybe talk to her about it and don't hold back on anything even things that might hurt her feelings. Maybe have a family get together and everyone go around and use "I" feelings and things and tell her how what she does makes you feel and how what she does is wrong. Tell her if she doesn't want to watch your daughter that she doesn't have to but don't say that she will then back out...that's rude and wrong. but I don't think you should disown your mother...some people as they get older get a little cranky...and some people in general are cranky for really no reason...so just take it in stride and tell her what you're thinking...tell her in person since you said she hangs up on you. If she's not going to be the adult then you need to be.

Answer 9

I can understand your hurt and frustration; however, disowning your mother is not the answer. We don't have the option of choosing our families, so we have to make the best of what we have. Sometimes you just have to love people from a distance. That doesn't mean that you can't talk to her, but maybe, not as much until you can sort out your differences. Also, sometimes talking to people doesn't work. Try writing her a letter detailing how you feel. Trust me, no matter how difficult things get, you'll feel horrible if something happens and you guys are still on bad terms.

Answer 10

Wow. It sounds like you guys have a strained relationship. Cutting off all contact with her sounds like it would be difficult, especially since you probably want to be there as much as you can for your sister. If it is at all possible, I would suggest you try to talk to a therapist or join a support group. Maybe they can help you to learn coping techniques. Also, maybe there is something going on with her that she has not told you (senility, depression, or some other illness). A therapist or counselor could help you pinpoint if there is a problem. If your mother has always acted like this, then I would for sure suggest talking to someone because you must have had to go through a lot. Like I said before, if this is new behavior, then maybe getting to the root of the problem will help mend your relationship.