best answer gets 10 points?

Question

i need some funny jokes plzzz help

Answer 1

A True Australian Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and . wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub.
They, like John, were also wet and out of breath.
Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce .. there's that f*cking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

Answer 2

Commandment 1.Marriages are made in heaven. But, so
again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in
your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand -- and divorce is
at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In
the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the
woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks
and the man listens.In the third year, they both speak
and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car
for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the
car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman
become as one. The trouble starts when they try to
decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake
all night thinking about something you say. After
marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is
beautiful,
understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the
law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely a matter
of
chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like
toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is
married. After that, he is finished















Q: What is the difference between a woman and a man?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.








Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M





PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER







DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT







THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE







GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE







THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS







SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME







ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY





ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT





SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S







A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE







THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE







ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE







AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER






























A French guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"


























aieeeee!!! hope that helps...

Answer 3

BEWARE KINDA NASTY:
What do you get when you set on a judges lap?
Honorable discharge.
What do you get when you cross a jack-*** with an onion?
A piece of *** so sweet it'll bring tears to your eyes.

Answer 4

who's the computer hero?

ANSWER:The Screensaver!