Know any good jokes???!!!!?

Question

NO knock-knock jokes, unless they are drop-dead funny.

Answer 1

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
http://www.starterupsteve.com/flash/html...

Answer 2

Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00
between them. Larry said, "Hang on, I have an idea".
He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one
large sausage.

Bob said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any moneyleft at all!"

Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Larry immediately ordered two Double
Shots of Jack Daniels.

Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get
on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman
noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this,
bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the
tenth bar,Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is
sore! And my knees are killing me!"

Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the
third bar!"

Answer 3

TWO HILLBILLYS ARE DRIVING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD AND THE DRIVER SEES A SHEEP CAUGHT IN THE BARBWIRE .HE TELLS HIS BUDDY THAT HE IS GOING TO GO AND GET SOME OF THAT .AFTER HE IS DONE HE YELLS TO HIS BUDDY .DO YOU WANT SOME OF THIS ...........WHERE AS HIS BUDDY RAN OVER AND STUCK HIS HEAD IN THE BARBWIRE,,,,

Answer 4

Question: Have you ever seen mothballs?

Answer: How did you get their little legs apart?