My mother in law has been cheating for over 5 years, It is a huge burden on me keeping this unwanted secret?

Question

I'm engaged , recently, I have known about my soon to be mother in law's affair for about 5 years now, of course my fiancee does not know.. I am losing sleep and feel as if I am cheating by keeping a secret. She uses me and her grandchildren , as excuses to sneak and see her boyfriend because my house is so close to his.. I can not take it anymore, I want my marriage to work and I would feel betrayed if he keeped something like this from me. She promised me that she was trying to leave, of course that was 3 years ago... I can not marry him, with this burden on my shoulders, i feel as if this will in the long run destroy our relationship.. I am planning to meet with his mother and tell her how I feel and let her know that she needs to tell him.. Also she is partying with my fiancee ex- girlfriend. She shares all our information , pictures with her.. It is hard not to be angry/ jealous and resentful, especially when she will not let her son know. What is the correct way to act?

Answer 1

Sounds like both of you used each other to get what you wanted; but your end of the bargain, back fired. Don't you know you can't make deals with the devil, you will lose every time. Let's recap. You befriended the soon to be mother-in-law, to portray the perfect daughter-in-law image to her; that way she would bless the marriage between you and her son. But it back fired. So for extra incentive to keep you quiet, she has her son's ex-girlfriend in her pocket. Now you're left with her burden. She ain't worried about her affair, you are. The only way to win, and beat her at her own game. You have to have a no holds barred attitude and be willing to lose your fiance' which will be a strong possibility. Because, when you tell what know, and for how long you knew it; he is going to be very upset, one.. he either won't believe you, and starts protecting his mother's virtue.... Or if he does believe you, he will be pissed at you for knowing about the affair for as long as you have, which would cause him to lose trust in you. But if you are willing to sacrifice this burden for you're own peace of mind back, then it will be worth it. You can spill all of the dirt, on his mother and move on. If she really wanted you to be with her son, she would have never put you in the situation you are in.
And maybe, when he gets over the betrayal, if he get over the betrayal he may want to get back with you. But again what are you willing to lose, to get your peace of mind back. Let's be realistic, if you are still with her son, when she is forced to tell about her affair, she is going to ruin your relationship with her son as well, she WILL tell him you new about the affair during the entir time she was having it. So you really have no choice. regardless.

Answer 2

Stand up to this lady and stop letting her run over you and use you. Tell her that you are about to marry her son and that if she doesn't come clean (by a specified time...better sooner than later) that you will tell your fiance'. I can see this being a battle for between the two of you so you should have proof because she will probably turn everything around and make you look like the bad person. Your fiance' may also resent you for keeping this from him for so long...5 years is a long time. Her adultery is not your problem. She has tricked you into thinking that it involves you because you have covered for her for so long. You should not have let it go as far as it did. Good luck.

Answer 3

You know, when I read your post the first thought that sprang to my mind is "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Your fiancee has been raised by a woman who sees nothing wrong about lying, deceiving and taking advantage of her family if it gets her what she wants. I know that fact alone would give me some huge issues about marrying into that family.

I think what you need to do is give your future MIL an ultimatum: you will not lie for her, not ever. I don't think you necessarily have to "out" her (although I'd sure be tempted to), but you do need to tell her that you will not be complicit in the lies she tells and that if you are asked by any family members about her activities, you will tell them the truth.

I think you also need to take a good hard look at the family behavior dynamic going on here in general. How do family members relate to one another? How do they treat in-laws? Is this a situation you can live happily ever after with? Bear in mind that nobody is going to change after you marry into the family. If your fiancee's family upsets you now, how are you going to feel 5 years from now, 10 years from now, with it continuing? If you have conflicts with your fiancee's family, how is he going to react? Will he stand up to his family for your sake, or cave into them and tell you that you have to "eat it" for the sake of family peace?

I think you really want to take some quality time here to think about the family you are marrying into and the way they will treat you. Good luck.

Answer 4

You should calmly tell her that your relationship with her son is far more important to you than your relationship with her. Tell her that this has gone on for far too long and she has to come clean about it because you will not aid in her adulterous activities. Tell her that you don't approve of what she's been doing and you feel that it is coming between you and your fiance. Not only will you no longer lie about it with her but you are going to come clean to your fiance and if she doesn't want everyone to find out from someone else she had better step up and start fessing up. It was wrong for her to use you like that. Good luck.

Answer 5

Wow! That's some dilemma you've got there. You need to proceed carefully. You need to speak to your cheating MIL about this & tell her how it's affecting you negatively. She sounds like a real pip! Ultimately, once more than one person knows it a secret, it's hard to keep it that way. Eventually, your fiancee will find out & so will his Dad. Best that you not be caught in the fray -- tell you MIL you want nothing more to do with her deception.

Answer 6

Let her know how you feel about this situation then tell your husband. He should know that his mother is cheating on his father. Do not let her us you and your children as excuses for her infidelity. Your husband will probably be angry about you not telling him. There should never be secrets in a marriage. Secrets destroy marriage.

Answer 7

Tell her she is not ever to use you as an excuse to sneak away again and do not ever tell you things about her affair, you don't want to hear it and you want no part of it. Tell her you absolutely refuse to borrow from other people's problems and stop showing pics and blabbing info about you to other people. Does she really think she's in any position to talk about anyone else? Don't let her stop you from getting married, set her straight.

Answer 8

stay away from this monster-in-law. Tell her you will tell everything you know to give herself a chance to come clean. If you tell your boyfriend, give him concrete evidence because he might not like what you have to say. And tell him you love him a lot and that this is an unfair burden and restate that you love him. And no more pictures with this lady or gossips.

Answer 9

this is not something you can start a marriage with, secrets that is. You need to speak with you fiancee. You need to tell her that you are going to speak with him because it is not a burden you can take alone and she is not to tell you or involve you in any more of her nonsense.

Answer 10

You better hurry up and confess to your future husband. Tell your mil first and just do it.