What do I do about wedding guests who don't RSVP?

Question

I am getting married in about 6 weeks, and the invitations just went out. My fiance brought up the topic of people who don't RSVP. Now, I don't expect this to happen, and I haven't heard of people doing this very often, but I suppose it could happen. Anyway, I'm taking the approach of "if it happens, it happens. We deal with it." My fiance, on the other hand, is a bit uptight about the whole wedding planning, and is saying that if people show up without having sent an RSVP, then they shouldn't eat. We're paying a certain amount of money per person, and we're going by the RSVP list when we work with our caterer. Now, I see his point - that they are rude by showing up without sending an RSVP, but I feel that it's more rude to have people sitting at my wedding without eating. Is there some sort of etiquette as to what we would do in this situation? I would never want to make someone uncomfortable at my wedding, buy my fiance is being very opinionated about this! What's the right answer?

Answer 1

One week before your head count deadline, call the stragglers. Really the only solution. Tell them politely that you need a count for the caterer.

Answer 2

Ugh... we had a lot of people who did not RSVP to our wedding. I think it's so very rude and inconsiderate -- especially considering the fact that you have provided a self-addressed stamped envelope and everything! I mean come on, how much effort does it take to mark a yes or a no and drop it in the mail?

I decided to have place-cards with assigned tables at the reception, which made the RSVPs an even bigger issue than a mere head count for the caterer. Those who I knew well-enough, I called or e-mailed to ask if they were coming. Those who I didn't know (like my husband's distant relatives and friends whom I'd never met) I just let it go, and we set up an entire table at the back corner of the reception to seat the "wedding crashers." This worked out well, and do you know -- that entire table was FILLED. I am so thankful to have thought of that ahead of time or we'd have had a standing-room-only reception!

As for a precise head count, I believe most caterers will be able to accomodate a reasonable amount of unexpected guests. And you can bet they will be doing their own head-count during the actual event to make sure they get paid the correct amount.

Hope some of this helps.... congrats on your marriage and best of luck!!

Answer 3

It would VERY rude to not feed any guest, for any reason! They are not paying customers at a restaurant, they are your friends who are, in essence, guests in your "home." You should treat them with courtesy.

A simple solution is to simply call the people who don't respond by mail. It's perfectly permissiable, etiquette-wise, to give a call if they haven't responded in a timely manner. That way you can get a confirmed yes or no from everyone.

Your caterer is also used to guests showing up unexpectedly, and plans for this when they prepare the meal. Unless the caterer is really unprofessional, there will be enough food for everyone who might show up.

Your fiance seems a little worked up - maybe the two of you should get away for a spa massage or other relaxing weekend before the big day.

Answer 4

I just want to say "Best Wishes and Congratulations" to the bride and groom.

You've gotten some excellent advice, Melanie...so don't sweat it, okay? Your wedding day will be beautiful...and you, my dear, will be radiant.

In our country (the Philippines), we never did pay attention to RSVP...I have been gone for 30 yrs so I really don't know how things are done now. Anyway, for weddings and such, we just double/triple the number of invites to figure out how many people to actually expect in the restaurant....that's because most of the invitations are addressed to families (not individuals). Now if the reception is held at a private residence, it might as well be an "open to public" affair. Just thought I'd share what it's like in another culture.

Answer 5

Both of the above answers are excellent. It really is unfortunate that, in this world where instant communication is available to us on the Internet, many people still don't bother to RSVP for big events like a wedding. There really is nothing for it but to pick up the phone and call those who haven't responded. I hate to do that, since it feels like I'm putting them on the spot, but I also have to remember that they put me in that situation by not indicating one way or the other whether they would attend.

I hope the wedding is wonderful. May you and your fiance look back upon it as the start of a joyous life together.

Answer 6

If they didn't RSVP then they don't get to eat. They know the rules after reading your invite. Maybe have a list of people that did response and didn't respond and keep those who didn't respond in a seperate place and make sure they don't eat since they did not respond if for some reason they do show up. Its their loss cause they didn't respond. They are the ones that need to respond not you or your wedding party that needs to do the work to see if they are coming. You already got to much work to do.

Answer 7

UNfortunately people don't RSVP like they should. About a week before you need your final head count you might have to get on the phone and make some calls. My two girls recently were marred and I was appalled at the people who didn't RSVP. When we called them I was even MORE appalled at the excuses we received. Favorite one:
"It never occurred to me that you didn't know we would be there." People are rude when it comes to responding. You'll figure it out but it might require some effocrt and last minute phoning.

Answer 8

Coming from a wedding professional you always have to count on that happening. There will always be people who show unexpectely I always recommend to my clients to book for 10% over the expected number to be safe. Yes you run the risk of having way to much food and paying for uneaten meals but you never want to tell anyone you can't eat also it affords the oppurtunity to allow larger guests to go for second and third helpings gauranteeing satisfaction from your guests. Finnaly who doesn't like left overs and for a wedding your size I doubt you would have problems making sure the leftovers found a good home.

Answer 9

Say you're sending out 100 invitations for two people per invite. That's 200 people, right? Have your caterer make 200 meals. Or do what the others have suggested, and make some calls to those who haven't RSVP'd within the next three weeks. I like the suggestion of having your maid of honor call. Takes some of the stress off of you!

Answer 10

Ask your Maid of Honor to call everyone on your guest list
about 2 weeks before the big event to just touch base.
Ask if they received their invitation and if they are making
plans on attending. That should solve your problems.
Tell any 'not sures' that this call is for arranging dinners
for all who are attending. That way anyone who shows
up after the head count is taken won't be expecting a
dinner.