I feel distant at times from my new fiance, what can I do?

Question

I met this great guy and now we are engaged which i am happy about, I cannot wait to be his wife. however I have noticed that since I moved in I do not see him as much as I would like. I do not like to be alone all the time. Due to our work schedules we only have one day off together and that will even chagnge when I go back to school. I told him that I understand it is not his fault but I feel distannt because we do not have that quality time. I explained later on I think it would be easier but we are new together, newly engaged and I feel time together is crutial. He thinks that if my birthday is on Mon that it is ok not to see me as long as we celebrate that weekend and to me it hurts that i spend my birthday alone. By time the weekend comes..it does not matter that much, cause its not my birthday. I explained this to him cause we try to be as honest as possible to eachother, but then he was sad, saying that he does what he can and now he feels un appreciated. :(

Answer 1

You told him how you felt about your birthday and he didn't get it. He needs to be more concerned about the feelings of the person he plans to share his life with. Instead you have become the person making him feel bad. This is not good. He needs to get some time off on your birthday instead of boohooing that he knows how you feel. As for being alone, can you guys go grocery shooping or some small things to spend some time toghter? Since you moved in you don't see him so much.., ask him a hard question, does he want to see you less? He needs to focus and help you to be okay.

Answer 2

I agree with you that spending time together is crucial to building a good close relationship. It doesn't have to be a LOT of time - most people work/go to school/take care of the kids - but it's reasonable to expect to spend evenings at home together, and also some time on the weekend. If your work schedules are so opposite you don't get to see each other at all during the week, and only have one day off to share, it can create problems. How long will this situation last? Is it a temporary thing, or is it something that you will pretty much have to endure for years and years to come? If it's the former - suck it up, tough it out; it will be over soon. If it's the latter - REALLY ask yourself if this way of life is acceptable to you. If this situation is unlikely to change in the future, there are only two things you can do: 1) Accept it, and find ways to deal with it; and 2) Decide that this isn't how you want to live your life, be honest with him, and go your own separate way.

That said, it will probably serve you well to learn to spend "time alone", anyway. Learn to entertain yourself, don't depend on him to have fun. So, his work schedule doesn't allow him to be home right there on your b-day; get over it, have fun on the weekend. What's the rationale of having something EXACTLY on your b-day? And if it's a day late - so what? You have to grow up and be an adult about these things. Do you think HE really wants to be away from home on your b-day? Think again. Be understanding; I'm sure he's trying hard to do the right thing. Good luck.

Answer 3

The honeymoon is over (although you're not even married lol)...
Neither of you is perfect. If you want to get married, you'll have up times and down times, times where you're close and intimate and times when you're more distant.
When you say "I do" you promise to love him til the end of your life in both close and distant times.

Just realize that this is perfectly normal and even though it's not fun you will need to adapt, find ways to spend time together and please one another even if it isn't easy.

Men aren't big on birthdays (my boyfriend got me a gift 3 months late but I didn't get mad because I know he doesn't really think birthdays are that important).
I'm sure he had no idea that your birthday mattered that much to you. Don't sweat the small stuff, learn to pick your battles.

Answer 4

Jenny - what do you really know about this guy?

In reading your question/statement, the only picture you paint is that you are focused on the wedding and being someones "Mrs.".

My guess is that you are young - probably late teen or early 20's and have not fully explored the world on your own and have not really discovered who you really are or what you really want in life.

Personally, I feel as if your first big mistake was moving in together.
Have you two even gone to couples counseling to discuss the REAL issues you'll face as husband & wife?
Have you guys talked about career choices and moves, who'll pay for what, how to deal with finances, where you'll live and what you'll share?
What about where you'll spend holidays (his parents or your parents home)?

Look - I've been married twice.
It is so easy to fall in love and get married, but it is a b*tch to get a divorce.
Make damn sure you know what you are doing...in other words, think with your head, NOT your heart.

Answer 5

Moving in is a big step. You get to learn a lot about eachother. You are prob not used to being alone so it is uncomfortable. Trust me, in time you will be running around the house in your underwear. Just sit him down and tell him you wish to spend more time together. This will be a true test to see if you are compatible. It's hard with conflicting work schedules. BUT about your birthday...he better be t here for your birthday. Becuase not being around is just inexcusable (unless he has to work).
:) GOOD LUCK

Answer 6

you should be thankful for what time you do have together. think of all the wives of soldiers serving in the war, they go months, sometimes years without being together. cherish every moment that you have with him, because seeing each other once a week is a great deal better than not seeing him at all.

Answer 7

I'm on board with alessia...pick your battles. Life doesn't always work out the way you think it should. If I were your fiance I would feel a little unappreciated as well, especially if there wasn't anything he could do about it. I would feel like you were blaming me for something I couldn't fix and I would feel resentful. Marriage is about compromise.