My son wants to come home?

Question

I have been living with my new partner for a couple of years. We have both been married before and have children from these marraiges. My partner has 3 boys that live with there mum and I have a son of 19 years who moved in with his girlfriend about 6 months ago and a daughter of 11 years who lives at home with us. We also have a baby girl between us.We have a 3 bed house and when my son moved out we gave my daughter the large bedroom and made the smaller bedroom into a nursery for our baby. Occasionally my partners sons come to stay and we make do with blow up beds etc.
Today my son came home and said he has seperated from his girlfriend and has no where to live and wants to come back home. We have just finished the nursery and are settled and there isn't really room for my son . I feel really sad as I love my son very much and hate turning him away but my partner says he can only stay for a couple of days. I don't know what to do. Do I upset my partner or my son.

Answer 1

not your son thats for sure.you are still his mum, and always will be. Ask your partner to put himself in your position with regards to his children,

Answer 2

Your partner says he can only stay a couple of days?? The cheek of it. He is your son, you have equal rights in your relationship with your partner, it is not his choice whether your son comes or goes. Discuss it between you. Why doesn't he want your son home? Do they get on? Resolve any issues.

Your son is only nineteen, you can't expect him to live out of home, especially if he is to have a future. I'm 26 and just about getting settled into a job I've been training to do for the past two years, and still ongoing. That would have been impossible out of home, it simply costs way too much. Before I started training, i had a string of crappy jobs since leaving school, if I found a number of friends together we could have just about afforded to live, and I mean just. Rent, food, bills, and about £20 quid to spend a month. What sort of life would that be? A road to misery and basically nowhere.

Your son is your first priority, don't cast him off as surplus to requirement now you have a new child. A child is for life, not just for 18 years. Make arrangements so that he can stay, perhaps if goes well long term (once all parties agreed) move to a bigger place, whatever it takes.

If your partner can't understand how you feel etc, or cannot give a number of decent reasons why your son cannot stay (violent, abusive, drugs? etc) then that really says something about him doesn't it?

Answer 3

Your son will always be your son but your partner may not always be there.

Rather than making it a choice between them, let your son know that sleeping arrangements in the house have changed and that he will have to sleep on the sofa or the blow up bed (that way he will not get too comfortable) and that you will help him find his own place and support him as much as possible at this difficult time.
He will really appreciate it and your partner will have an incentive to help your son get somewhere to live if he wants his home back.
Whatever you decide let him know you love him and will help in whatever way you can even if you cant let him move back in.

Answer 4

I think a lot depends on the circumstances of your son. If he is earning enough to afford to rent somewhere then really he should be encouraged as it was his choice to move out. You also need to watch out as at 19 this could happen again, either he gets back with his ex girlfriend or meets someone else. If he is on a low wage or doesn't work and only could afford where he has been living due to 2 incomes then it would be very hard for you to turn him away. Also on a formal side who owns the house is it joint names, yours, your partners? If joint you will have to make a decision between you and if it belongs to one of you no matter the arguements for and against him returning the person who owns the house has the final say. Before deciding he cannot afford his own place it is worth checking what extra benefits or top ups to his wage he could get that may enable him to rent somewhere. Also sometimes Councils can help out as after all he will be officially homeless. Trust all works out well for you.

Answer 5

The relationship you have with your partners sons sounds good. Would it really hurt for your 11 year old to share with your new baby until your son finds his feet again. He's still your baby and I'm sure he knows you love him. You can reassure your 11year old daughter that this is a temporary situation and that it is important for families to support and help each other when things go wrong. I am a little worried that your partner would see you turn your son away after a couple of days! I would hope your partner can be as supportive towards you and your children as you are to him and his children. I do hope you can help each other through this situation. xxxx

Answer 6

he is your son, so as long as he is working let him come home until he can get on his own two feet, explain that he will have to use the blow up bed. And that his stay is ONLY until he can get into a place on his own. Studio apartments are not all that expensive--and there are always people looking for roommates, maybe his friends have a room he can rent. BUT remember he is your son, and should be welcomed home as long as he isn't taking advantage of you and your partner.

Answer 7

This is real tuffy.

Firstly can I say I really feel for you,cause either way I think you will probably never be completely satsified with your decison you will probably be thinking should I have said this... ? or should have I done that... ?

As the saying goes you can't please everyone all of the time so try not to feel guilty about whatever you choose to do.

I would probably work this decision out on the basis of need and consequences.

As an example how much does your son really need you to say yes he can stay and what are the consequences of you saying no to him. - I mean if he is gonna end up living somewhere that means you are going to be worrying about him everyday that won't help anyone.

If you say no to your son, your partner may be a little glad that you made the decision he can't stay but you may end up blaming your partner for that decision if you are not entirely happy or comfortable with your sons alternative living arrangements.

If this were to happen, the argument with your partner that you tried to spare yourself from will happen anyway, but instead you may blame him or feel he influenced your decision or made it difficult for you.

The other side is that you could risk upsetting your partner if you let your son stay, as in your partner's opinion he may think that your son is old enough to stand on his own two feet and get a place on his own and should be able to look after himself. I can kinda agree with this in one way but then it really depends on how much your son needs you right now.

If you feel that your son really needs you then you should explain this to your partner. After explaining this to your partner he should understand your feelings and try to at least comprimise with you on the length of time that he can stay.

As a parent you feel you have to be there for your children when they need you most, no matter how old they are. Its an instinct but at the same time you have to let them face some things alone.

No one else can make the decision for you, as only you know how much your son needs you or how difficult it will be having another person in the house with not much space left.

So as I said I would work it on a need and consequences basis and weigh it up that way.

Good luck anyway, and I hope you work it all out in the end XX

Answer 8

Tell your partner that a couple days won't be enough time for your 19 yr old son to find an apt of his own. I wouldn't let the invitation for your son be unlimited. I would tell him he has ___ weeks to find a place of his own. Is he in college? If so, there are dorms there he could stay in. He could put an ad in the news paper looking for a room mate to help split the cost of an apt on his own. I have a 19 yr old son myself, my doors are always open to any child in need. Even my partners 3 kids or the neighbors! I also have a 3 bedroom house. I have 5 kids, my b/f has 3. We turned the attic into a bedroom & built another room in my basement for weekend visitations. Our daughters all share one room. (3 girls) You do what you must in a family. NO child should be thrown out unless they are addicted to drugs, thief or unsafe to be around the other children. I would let your son know he is only a guest therefore he has NO bedroom of his own. He is to clean up after himself every morning. (from the couch) Make his stay as nice but unpleasant at the same time so he wants to move into his own place. Add some Old time rules too....like mow the grass, help with the dinner, take out the trash, be in by midnight...as long as your under "our roof" there will be "our rules" to follow. Another reason he'll wish to move out on his own. lol Hope this helps! good luck

Answer 9

Allow your son to stay with you for a time limit, say three months, in which time you will help him find somewhere to stay. While he is with you take a small amount of rent (keep/board) towards bills, which should leave him spare cash to save towards a deposit or towards bills and food etc., in his new place. Do not say that he cannot stay this would make him feel unwanted, even though he is 19 yrs old he is still your child and needs your love and support. Your partner needs to understand your commitment to your child, after all he has three boys of his own would he see them on the street? would you see your little girl on the street? this is no different. I am sure that your boy will not mind where he sleeps as long as he has support from a loving mother. This will soon be rectified make sure that your relationship is not destroyed as a result of it . Good luck who ever said that parenthood was easy!!!

Answer 10

you are in a tough position but you are his mum and should always be there for him, i'm sure he doesnt want to get in the way but he could be heart broken if his mum turns him away. say to him that if he cant find anywhere else soon enough then he can stay. tell him that it really isn't that you dont want him home, you'd love to have him, but that there really isn't much room. explain that it'l be a squash but let him stay for a while and in that time help him to find somewhere new. explain to your partner that your son needs you at the moment and that it won't be for too long but you can't have him out on the streets. i hope it all turns out ok!

Answer 11

let him come home. you might have to help him handle his money so he ends up with cash to move out again soon but he is your son and getting a place to live is hard cost tons and your his mom.
tell this new man he can if he does not like it live in a tent out back while your son is there or he can just bugger off and pay child support its up to him . also i suspect the new man will be mean to the boy when your back is turned so watch for this .
if he does that take up ceramics build a large kiln in your home and you can figure out the rest . just make sure his life insurance is paid up . and and you will have to wait two years for the pay off. i also suggest you tell your son he has 6 months then he has to join the military or the merchant Marines