I'm Very Non-confrontational?

Question

I have a mojor confrontantion issue. If an issue arises with someone, I think about what I need to say.. but when it come to saying it, I get all worked up and end up getting teary eyed. I'm a very strong person.. and usually keep my feelings to myself. Half of my closest friends and family have never seen me cry.

When I have a conflict with someone, I am so good at thinking what needs to be said. If only I could get it out! Its so frusterating.

I dont know if something is wrong with me.. or what.

Growing up, my mom was a yeller. She yelled @ me all of the time for even the smallest of issues.. and I was never ever able to stick up for myself. I'm pretty sure this where it stemmed from.

Does anyone else have this problem? Any Advice?

Answer 1

First of all, we do take what we live and learn from our childhood with us into adulthood.Although that is true it does not have to take it with you always. It is a learning process. One way do deal with certain situations would be to write down how you feel and what you wanted to say but you couldnot assert yourself at the time.Also,you could probably take it a step at a time.Try to allow yourself to speak rationally with the person that you have the contact with. They may yellback at you but that doesnot mean that you have to yell in order to be heard. Realizing that your mother yelled constantly to you as a child is a continuing issue with you. Just guessing, I hear in your writing that when there is a conflict, you feel that in a way it reminds you of your mother again,she didnot deal with conflicts easily and you probably were not given the opportunity to voice your belief or anger and you probably felt belittled by that especially if she had the only audible voice. Somehow you will eventually need to see that you are a person with a voice that needs to be listened to. This may not solve the conflict and some people will argue or even yell back but at least you would have had your say openly and not let it dig into your skin by holding onto it as you evidently had to as a child.Have you spoken with a therapist? You might find that they are a good source of understanding and be most helpful. Unfortunately, when we grow up in a situation as you stated, we generally live what we learn. Remember,at some point you will be able to let go of that hurt. You willnot forget it,but you will hopefully become more assertive and know that you are a good person.

Answer 2

You see most issues as "confrontational" which is really not the case. Most problems can be solved with rational conversation and discussion of the issue.

Your main problem is that you see even the smallest issues as confrontational when they are really stating a clarification of your feelings. You can resolve these in a "non-confrontational" manner.

Do not immediately lay blame - simply state your feelings and ask the other party what their feelings are about the issue. Explain that it's bothering you, but you would like to hear their point of view. Ask them to help you understand the problem. Let them know that you appreciate their helping you to resolve the problem.

Don't worry, this is not a problem that only you have, it's very common and often arises from misunderstanding.

Think of the good feelings you will have when the issue is behind you...

Answer 3

Hey, Oh my lord!! I am the same way. I am terrible at confrontation and would rather poke my eyes out!! I find it easiest to write how I feel. I had to have a fight with a friend in a letter!!! It's really frustrating and hard to get past when you just can't get the words out. Try going out in public and finding people you don't know to practise on! (I always feel they are less likely to care how I act because they don't know me.) I ask for what I want (in a store for example) and be a bit demanding. Get what you want and make sure you are happy. It feels powerful when you are able to get the words out. I am still working on it, but the worst that can happen is that someone will be mad at you, and screw them!! I'm learning to not care as much about what others think about what I say, but it's a slow process and it's hard! Good luck and next time you feel this way remember the movie Anger Management!!!!

Answer 4

I'm pretty non-confrontational also. But the difference between you and I is that I didn't get yelled at a lot during my years on this planet. I was a good child and I make for a good son nowadays. But I don't like getting yelled at period. For example, if I ate 2 servings of dinner and want to go for another, I'll think of what my mother will think of me eating so much so I don't get one. Or if I do I sneak it.

Anyway, I hope you solve your problem and if my post helps in any way I'm glad.

But when it comes to saying something to someone if something isn't right, I don't stay quiet. That's another difference between us. I may be nervous while doing it but I let it out. ^_^

Answer 5

Same here.
Maybe you are just a thinker. They tend to be quiet and observe the world around them and think about others ahead of themselves.

Its a good thing to be.