Father making kids LESS ambious??

Question

My husband always tells my two teenage boys how much he studied in high school, how he didn't need to go out with friends on weekends (because he was studying) and how smart he was when he was in high school. Now he is mad because my 2 teenagers aren't as "ambitious" as he was. They get A's and a few B's on the report cards. But my huband says "anyone can do that". My kids hardly get any homework (do most during class). They study before the test but that is about all they do for homework. I know my kids should study more but I think the problem might be that don't want to end up like their dad?!
He has anger problems (on medications), anything they do "good" it is Never good enough for him (sports or school), he is always looks at the negitive side of EVERYTHING.
He thinks they should spend more time studying then playing sports or playing computer. Which I agree but how do I get my kids to be more ambitious while letting them know they won't turn out like their father

"What they need is love and acceptance for who they are, and approval" I do that ALL the time. I do also try to talk to my husband about it. But we just end up getting into an arguement about it. He accuses me of "defending" the kids. He says" fine let them be loser, don't blame me".
My kids are nice kids, never in trouble, praised by teachers and friends. But not good enough for their father. "having friends won't make you money!!" He also accusing them of doing stuff because everone else does it. ie. going to prom, going out for sports or just going out to hang out. He wants them to be individuals and not follow the crowd. Which from what I see other teenagers are doing my kids are far from doing that.
My husband says he won't help pay for college unless my son "Shows" he has ambition to do more then just get good grades and play computer games?? He states "spend at least 2 hours a night studing for the ACT, if not then you dont have anough ambition to go to college"

Qoute from an answer" that his negativity may be impacting your sons, that you don't want to see your boys being negative. Tell him that your sons' negative thinking can really hinder their happiness in the future" OHH that would not be good to say to my husband, tried saying just about word for word. But all he says is that I am blaming him and it isn't his fault his son's are lazy!!

Answer 1

It's gonna take lots of encouragement from you!

My dad had a similar problem. He went to Medical School and didn't get to finish b/c my Mom got prego with my eldest sister. So he expected all of us to make up for it. We were to go to college and do extracurricular activities as well. But that didn't happen for me!

My mom use to come in my room just out of the blue and tell me I could dream and have goals of my own and whatnot. She use to bring me different pamphlets on stuff I liked to do, not just medical stuff!

I turned out going to school, trying lots of things, including cosmetology! Now, I'm a licensed insurance agent and love it. My dad always says stuff like, you would've been a good Pediatrician, but then he smiles and realizes that I am not like him!

Just keep encouraging them to be ambitious! That's all it takes!

Hope this helps, and wish all turns out well in the end! ♥

Answer 2

My father always made me feel like an idiot, though I always had good grades. When I was 18 I realized early that there is such a thing as toxic parents. I distanced myself by moving out. He refused to pay for proper education so I studied on my own. I eventually did temp work with my knowledge until I could find something better. It took about 1 year to earn as much as he did. Then only 2 years to earn 50% more than he did. Now, well, he's not even in my radar.
My point is that sometimes kids need to distance themselves from toxic parents in order to find their own place in the world because no parent can live their life for them, especially if their parenting style is counter productive.

Answer 3

Encourage them to do things they enjoy doing (either through school or an outside group or club). Let them know that their father will stop "harrassing" them with stories from the "good ole' days". Bring up to your husband (in a way that won't seem argumentative) that his negativity may be impacting your sons, that you don't want to see your boys being negative. Tell him that your sons' negative thinking can really hinder their happiness in the future. Communication here is the key amongst all parties involved. Good luck!

Answer 4

Good luck. They won't ever learn it on their own with someone lecturing them about how they need to be better. What they need is love and acceptance for who they are, and approval. They don't even want to earn the approval because they KNOW it won't ever be good enough. Sounds like pretty normal kids to me, and better than most that you see on the board.

I'd look into counseling. I don't know that you could help them on your own. If you are going to start, you might start by defending them from your husband. Then you might make comments about how when you were in school, you had trouble with various stuff too, or just remembrances that you have.

Answer 5

Honestly, as a parent myself, I don't feel ambition is something you can make them have. That's personal. Apparently, if your kids are making the grades you mentioned, they have ambition, just not your ambition and their father's ambition. If it ain't broke don't fix it, you seem to have well kept teenagers, don't mess that up trying to enforce the father's issues on them. That's when you'll find yourself in a house full of anger enforced, medicated people, you really wanna live like that?