Should I let my son see his grandmother?

Question

The situation:

When my son was 3, my mother and her husband seperated because her husband was refusing to work and she couldn't pay her bills and was about to lose her house. My husband and son and I moved in with her (once her husband moved out) so we could pay her house payment and utility bills (etc) since we were only renting an apartment on a month to month lease at the time.

At first, my mother and her husband were friendly and my son was still able to see his grandfather (whom he was VERY close to)...but then things changed and my mother and her estranged husband were not getting along...so we had to explain to my son that he wouldn't be seeing his grandfather anymore. It was very hard for him because he was so close but considering this was my stepfather and it looked like a divorce was inevitable, we felt it was best to keep my son out of the middle of their bad feelings.

THEN, my mother and her husband started talking again...and feeling like they could work things out. My mother has gone through this with previous husbands before - she was back and forth with various men throughout my childhood - sometimes I was allowed to see them, sometimes not (including my biological father)...so I told her that I wanted to wait and see how things went between them (at least a few weeks) before bringing my son back into it (so he wouldn't have to go through the pain of seperation again if it didn't work out between them)...but I had no problem with her seeing him.

She was very angry and decided to bring her husband back to the house (not to live, to visit) when I was there with my son. As I said, my son was only 3 and I was afraid to let him see his grandfather because I didn't think he was old enough to understand that grandpa MAY or MAY NOT be back in his life permanently...so I said I would take my son and leave so they could have some privacy. The problem was, they were sitting in the dining room and I had to go right by there to get to the door (unless I wanted to go out a window)...so my husband asked them to step into the kitchen for a few minutes so we could leave without getting my son upset...and she told him it was her house and she could sit where she wanted (so, no she wouldn't move). We covered my son's head with a blanket and left.

My family and I moved out and I hadn't spoken to her since - that was 5 years ago.

So, last night I figured I would talk to her and see if we could work through this (she's back with her husband, they worked it out).

When I told her why I was angry - about the situation with my son - she told me that she didn't feel she did anything wrong because things happen in life and my son just had to deal with it.

I don't agree - I think that he was 3...he is not ready to deal with adult situations and conflicts and SHE (and her husband) should have had to deal with going into another room for a couple of minutes.

I would like some other points of view. My mother did the yo-yo thing alot to me as a kid (with "dads") and I don't want that kind of thing for my son...but this way he doesn't see his grandmother. She doesn't seem to understand that kids sometimes need to be protected from things that are too grown up for them to fully understand...and I don't want her to hurt him with her behavior in the future.

Also - as a note - she refuses to not smoke around my son even though he has severe eczema and his pediatrition told us that smoking would make it worse. In the past five years that he hasn't been around her, he's been almost completely outbreak free.

I'd like some advice as to how others would handle this situation.

After seeing some of the first few answers...I need to clarify that I DON'T think my mother is a good, decent person because of the things that she's done to me and my brother when we were children (emotional abuse is still abuse).

So...if your answer is that I should let her see him, I need to know why and "because she's blood" doesn't cut it with me. Just because you are related does not give you a free pass to treat people badly...I think if you are related and emotionally abuse, you are going to do more damage than a perfect stranger. So I want to know more than just "because she's his grandmother".

And, also, to answer a question - I have not missed her at all the last five years...my husband hates her (because she constantly bad mouths him) and our lives have been much nicer and quieter without her...but she is my mother and I would like to give her another chance to be a GOOD influence on my son's life.

After seeing some of the first few answers...I need to clarify that I DON'T think my mother is a good, decent person because of the things that she's done to me and my brother when we were children (emotional abuse is still abuse).

So...if your answer is that I should let her see him, I need to know why and "because she's blood" doesn't cut it with me. Just because you are related does not give you a free pass to treat people badly...I think if you are related and emotionally abuse, you are going to do more damage than a perfect stranger. So I want to know more than just "because she's his grandmother".

And, also, to answer a question - I have not missed her at all the last five years...my husband hates her (because she constantly bad mouths him) and our lives have been much nicer and quieter without her...but she is my mother and I would like to give her another chance to be a GOOD influence on my son's life.

Answer 1

Its been 5 years....how have you been? Have you missed her?
Are you content with talking to her on the phone and just taking it one day at a time.

I think I myself, would give it more time before jumping right back into a relationship.
It sounds as if she still doesn't understand the impact he could have caused and really didn't care what you wanted as a daughter or mother to your child.
Having heard yourself repeat that she still didn't care about your wishes would make me think twice.
I am not telling you to keep your child away from his grandmother, I am telling you I agree with you.
I bet the last 5 years have been quiet and nice for you and your family.......
What does your hubby think....I think I would talk it over with him...and the two of you decide.
it should be your choice....Not hers....

Best wishes

Answer 2

Wow, your mum sounds like a confused teenager !! Its really tough though, your son should have the benefit of knowing and loving his grandparents, even though she needs a good smack on the bottomm ............. I think, as Gmomma says perhaps you should ask her if she thinks its a good idea for her to smoke in the next room when your son is around ??? Make it sound like her idea, her being so stubborn and all. I do agree with you, she's obviously put you through a lot, including a tumultous childhood. But you must miss her heap, dramas and all ???? Give her another chance, just turn up on her doorstep with a Tatts ticket and tell her that you bought it for both of you to see how your luck will go ..............


PEACE


.... :0)



**** PLEASE READ ****


WOW!! That totally changes my answer !! So, what you're saying, is that not only does she totally disrespect you as an adult and the mother of her grandson by not accepting your decisions regarding your boy's welfare, but she put you through an extremely abusive childhood ??? Oh, nooooooooooo, there is no way on God's green earth I would expose my little boy to a woman like that for another second. She even continues to cause grief and distress by openly bad mouthing your husband !!! She needs pschycological assistance and you and your husband deserve a medal for being the best husband and wife team on the planet !! You guys are still in love and still together after all her ridiculously bad behaviour, you both really truly deserve more than her rot !!! Continue to keep her out of your son's life, make her really work for it if she wants to be involved in your family life ever again. It would all have to be totally your rules if she ever had a flaming hope in h*ll anyways!! You have the love and respect of your son and husband, they're your family, family love and respect each other, that's all you need............... :0)


PEACE


...... :0)

Answer 3

Give things a try in a public setting. Invite her to the park, or to a playdate at a play center (Chucky Cheese is where I'm thinking). Some kind of setting where your son is as involved in what he's playing as he is with who's there with him. That gives you space to talk adult talk with your mother a bit, and yet lets him see her.

You don't have to allow her to smoke in his presence if you control the circumstances of the meeting. Invite her to your house, and firmly explain that smoking is done outdoors only. You don't have to expose your son to adult topics and things beyond his understanding if you control the interactions.

Start small, and see if you can get some groundrules in place on your own turf. That way your son gets to see his grandparents, and yet your parenting rights are established and protected.

Answer 4

Your mom may have some marital problems and other difficulties, but you seem awfully rigid in not allowing your son to see his grandparents. Not talking to someone for 5 years is pretty serious. Why don't you open the lines of communication and let your son talk to her on the phone? Maybe make plans to meet somewhere outside of the house, like a mall that has a no-smoking policy, so that is not an issue. Your mom does not sounds like a terrible person. I think your son would appreciate getting to know her better.

Answer 5

You have my sincere sympathies. I understand what you've been throug. You seem to have more sensitivity and maturity than your mother. She's selfish and I think for now, it's better your son stays away from her, until he's older. Don't get yourselves thrownm into her roller coaster life. I'm happy you have a supportive husband to stand by you with such a nasty mum. Let go.... let go of the past. That is the essence of life.

Answer 6

First of all I see no reason why your parents separation had to affect your sons relationship with his grandfather. That should never have happened especially considering how close they were. Second, if your son is asking about his grandma then I would consider short supervised visits only and only if she agrees not to smoke around him. I'm sure you've explained to your mother about the eczema and that the smoking worsens the problem. If she won't agree to refrain from smoking around him then she obviously cares more about herself than her grandson and doesn't deserve to have a relationship with him.

Answer 7

I don't think that you should EVER keep a child from anyone in his family, especially the grandparents. Are they good decent people? You will be doing more harm than good to keep them apart. Grandparents are an extension of your love. I am a grandmother, and I would hate someone to keep my grand kids from me. I am good to them, as your sons grandparents must be too. Don't do something that you may regret, and that your son might hold against you in the future. Ask them to not smoke in the same room as the son, See Problem solved.

Answer 8

Before...you decide to allow your son to visit with his grandmother you should work on building your relationship with her...because no matter how much she maybe in his life his connection with her is tied through you. How could you be comfortable with him seeing her if you dont care for her. I since that you have unresolved issues with her that stem back to childhood...you need to resolve this issues for yourself. In addition you should only let your children be around those who treat your kids the way you think they deserve to be treated and according to your rules. I think you are do what is in the best intrest of "your" child. GoodLuck

Answer 9

Yours is a very long and complicated tale, but I think it's best to have your mother involved with your son, even if it's difficult at times.

However, there's no reason to call anyone she happens to be seeing 'Grandpa' - why can't they just be 'Grandma's friend' until it's (if it ever is) official? I doubt your kid will mind. Kids have oceans and oceans of love to give and it doesn't run out. He may get close to grandma's new friend for a while, but he'll manage without so long as he has loving a supportive parents.

Answer 10

Some people are just hateful evil people. They feel like the world revolves around them and they are going to be selfish no matter what. I hate that your mother is one of them. Keep your distance from her. Not agreeing to stop smoking around him is what makes me say NO......don't let your son see her.