Family Slave, What should I do?

Question

Ok, maybe this isn't the best palce to ask things like these but here it goes. I am in my early twenties, moved to Europe from Africa about 6 yrs ago. Incidentally my step dad lost his job just after I left, since then, I have been helping my parents, with everything I can. My siblings school (they go to a private fee paying school), and day to day expenses, from bills, to kid's clothing, xmas & birthday presents and parties, you name it I do. Last xmas I got my parents to go shopping outside the country and spent 5 times more than I spent on my hubby and I. Right now, I am in debt over trying to help them start businesses, none of which were fruitful because they dabble in too many things at once. I am now trying to go to Med school and have invited my mother over to visit us for the 1st time. We have been showing her around but I was also hoping for moral support etc, as my med school interviews are quite tough. I had also discussed that she will take over my business .......

so that she can afford to look after my siblings while I am at school for the next 7 plus yrs. She had also said my step dad didn't want to look for a job, so I have been helping with that, sending the CV around etc. The moment I mention the future, by starting to discuss a plan on what we should all do, she gets mad at me- we had a BIG argument when my feelings were hurt. She said if she is such a burden, we (hubby and I), should forget her and her kids. Seeing as we have other things to do, she didn't realise she was such a burden. At the time I was shouting and crying with disbelief, because how dare she says that when we are only trying to help by discussing a plan so that we can all be happy. Right now I feel guilty for wanting to go to Medical school, because she says since I am doing something else, "it's fine". I'm torn, we sort of made up, but she keeps talking to people on the phone and saying nasty things out loud just to hurt my feelings. What should I do, I have tried my

best to reason with her. She wants me to feel guilty for wanting to educate myself. I asked her why she doesn't stay and work - but she wont have it. Has anyone ever been in this situation or similar. I love my mum (evidently) - I mean I do so much for them and sometimes I go without and I feel she is being selfish. Right now I feel like I should just get on with my life and see how I get on with things. I feel like she doen't care about me unless I am doing great things for her. Surely asking her to work or for us to work together while I go to University isn't too much to ask, or is it?

Answer 1

Yikes !! Your “parents” are leaches !!!! They refuse to work because they’ve “guilted” you into supporting not only them but all your siblings. “Love” doesn’t mean mooching off children just because they can.

Time for “tough love” !! Tell them the “money well” is empty! PERIOD! If they want to support themselves fine, If not that’s fine too !! Only you’re NOT going to continue destroying your aspirations, marriage, etc.. just to support their lazy sloth behaviors!!

Soon as you stop supporting their aberrant lazy behaviors, they will either stand on their own two feet, or not. But either way it’s not your problem,, so don’t make it your problem!

Answer 2

Wow! ok well DONT feel guilty about getting a good carreer and for trying to live a better life. ok your parents have to realize that you are married and now have your own life to take care of. if they dont have enough money why are your siblings in a PRIVATE school...tell them to take them out to go to a public school..there is nothing wrong with public school..(save a lil $) also sometimes there is no money to buy b-day and x-mas presents...TOO BAD ! MAYBE NEXT YR then that your step dad wont want to work ...Who does he think he is....he should be the MAN of the house tell him to work! I think you should back off a little ....let them solve there problems on there own so they can realize that they need to start working if they want to live a good life. well yeah live your life and let them live theres the way they prefer.

<3 cristi

< hope this helps>

Answer 3

Ah, geeze. When you get married you put your husband and kids first. Mom and dad, unless they are destitute, should be fending for themselves. You've had a role reversal because you're willing to pay for everything (buying their love and approval) and they are willing to take advantage of you. WAKE UP! Tell the folks that this is the last time you're paying for anything because you need to get out of debt and put your funds toward your own family. Godloveya.

Answer 4

Well... I vote for: sticking to your plan of going to med. school. You have a husband who supports you in your endeavors -- he sounds very understanding to help with your family issues, too. I think it is okay to set boundaries with your mom and siblings, particularly as you are trying to further your education. Your mother will learn to respect you for the independent, intelligent daughter that you are once you set that firm line between what you can and cannot continue to do for her and your sibs. Chin up & be tough! Good luck!!!

Answer 5

i think you should go on to school, and focus on your future. you have a husband who obviously loves and supports you or he wouldn't stick around for all the bullshit that your mom and step dad are throwing at you. mom and step dad are being extremely selfish from what you have said, and i wouldn't worry about their needs any further. they are adults, and are capable of supporting themselves, just to lazy to do so. as for your siblings, if you want to continue helping them some, then spend your money on the things they need, cloths, school supplies, whatever. and be prepared to assume full responsibility for them if the "parents" step out on that responsibility too. however, it's time mom & stepdad fend for themselves.

Answer 6

Be your own person. Your family is important, but they must recognize that you have your own immediate family to take care of and raise and your own household to form.

They also need to respect your professional aspirations.

Step out, get an apartment, and limit your contact with them slowly. Sounds cold, but, you can link back up with them once your professional life is fully stabilized.