guys i need some advice......will he ever commit?

Question

i have a partner i have been with for 3 yrs, i have a 8yr old daughter who he interacts with very well and is involved with- homework, playing games, occasional disipline pretty much already a father figure. he says he isn't ready to move in or anything because he isn't ready to commit to a child, if it was just me i know things would be different as he has told me-but it's not. i know he doesn't want to give up his freedom, but i know he loves me very much and is 100% faithfull, we are very good friends as well. and enjoy being around each other, and both nearly in our 30's. i know if we broke up we would still be friends as we get on so well, but i feel ready to move forward in the relationship and settle down, do you think he is just using my daughter as an excuse not to commit or should i give him some more time to sort out what he wants from his life and me and if so what is reasonable??? i need real answers please from well balanced men.....your help would be appreciated!

thanks for the advice so far...i would only want him to do it because he wants to not has to, and i'm not even ready for marriage myself quite yet but would like him to move in with us.

thanks for the advice so far...i would only want him to do it because he wants to not because he feels he has to, and i'm not even ready for marriage myself quite yet but would like him to move in with us. i dont feel like i 'need' him as i can look after myself, but i do want him- very much,

no...not been married before, i have had relationships in the past with real losers, which is why i can appreciate him, i know he has values and morals and wouldn't just disappear off the face of the earth.

.....we do talk about it we can talk about anything, he knows how i feel about things, get the same response, not ready...doesn't know when he will be,i dont pressure him as that wouldn't make me or him happy...just sitting here waiting!?

Answer 1

Marriage is so overrated. I think you can be committed to someone and not be married. Understand that women mature faster than men. We are able to want, desire, and achieve stability faster than men. It's been 3yrs., whats another 3yrs. You too are good friends right so talk to him about it. See if another 3yrs can do it. If he's able to interact with the child like a father-figure I don't think its the child that's getting in the way.

Answer 2

I know if you broke up, there is a 99.9% certainty you would not be friends because most people are unable to move on without a clean break.

That being said, it's good you get along so well. If he interacts with your daughter well, then it's likely your daughter isn't the issue (no matter what he is saying): it's the whole responsibility package deal that's the problem.

You are a woman, you have a daughter (are you divorced? You didn't say), and when some guy decides to marry YOU, he's going to be asking himself if you have the character and attitude to stick it out with HIM (and vice versa).

I always tell other men, don't pay attention to her words, observe her actions. Well, it works both ways. He's apparently saying all the right things to keep you hanging on, but it has been 3 years, and you are both old enough to presumably make mature decissions based on observing each others' character and attitudes.

Marriage is a big step for a man: it's a big legal commitment with financial consequences from our perspective. That is the stumbling block here: taking on the responsiblity of a wife and child. And it may be his maturity in question: maybe he isn't where he wants to be in life yet? Or maybe he's keeping his options open?

Because I want you to think about this: he's already bonded with your daughter. Like it or not, your kid isn't going to understand if he just takes off because he's changed his mind about you. So there already is a responsibility he has if he's become a figure in your kid's life... whether or not he acknowledges it.

If you talk to him about marriage, leave your daughter out of the equation because aside from setting up a college fund and all that stuff, that's not the real issue (there are high-maintenance single women without kids that could wind up being a bigger burden, and you try not to marry those either). The real issue is what does he want to do with his life. Where does he see himself in 5 years? In 10 years?

Take care.

Answer 3

I know you want a guys opinion, but I'm going to answer anyway. I truely think he just isn't ready to commit to being a father. All men are different and take time to commit to a child or marriage. It's a big step in their lives. When I met my man, he didn't want to get married and he wasn't sure if he wanted children. We are not engaged and expecting our first child (which was planned by the way). Your boyfriend will come around eventually. He's just getting used to the idea of being a father. It's good that he helps your daughter with homework and dicipline, so it sounds like he's interested in being a father, just not ready for the full on commitment at this time.

Answer 4

Don't commit to something if both of you aren't 150% behind the decision. It sounds like you 95% and he is about 45%. Not ready to commit is OK. Enjoy what you have while you are still able. He works? If so great, he can be a great benefit in the future if your daughter ever needs anything. He babysits? Even better, gives you a chance to get out and make some extra bucks. Don't worry, things will be great. If my sense of the situation is correct you are headed for the 150% club with this guy.

Answer 5

He is using her as an excuse. Sounds like he likes being a part time "dad" but wants that freedom to leave when things get dicey. There could also be more to it. Does he want children of his own? Can you still have children? One thing people seem to lack nowadays is COMMUNICATION. There is a reason why he doesn't want to commit, he is just not telling you. All I can say is you cannot make someone love you or like you or want to be with you. Try communicating with him and give yourself a time frame of when you will want to move on. I pretty much know withing the 1st year if I want to be with that person and continue forward. You have already spent 3 years with him, you'll be upset with yourself if you look back after 5,7, 10 years and he still hasn't committed.

Answer 6

If everything is great, I think you should give him time to make his decision. You don't want to 'force' him into a lifetime committment and feel like he wasn't 100% behind the decision.
It's a complex situation bc your daughter is involved, I'm sure he just wants to get everything in order before taking the 'plunge'...afterall it's not just marriage or moving in, you would be an instant 'family'.
Give him some time. He'll come around!

Answer 7

Well, it sounds as if he isn't ready to commit. Don't spend 10 years waiting for him to do it. There are other fish in the sea. At least you're not leaving with the nut. So many women make that mistake. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?

Answer 8

Just my guess, but it sounds as though he will go on like this forever if you let him, having you (his cake) and his freedom (eating it too). I rarely recommend this but I would suggest testing the waters on this one. I think you should ask him for a break from the two of you and it he loves and needs you you will likely find out as will he in a big way (he will offer more commitment) and you may even find out whether you really need him around.

Answer 9

I can see you have strong feelings for him. Be honest with yourself YOU KNOW the answer. He is in his thirties and not ready to move in with a wonderful family like yourself and your daughter. He is not ready and to be honest I don't think he would ever be. Don't force it start looking inward and talking more with your daughter with what she really wants. Good Luck!! If he wanted he would of moved in the first day you ask. I would of.......

Answer 10

All men are dogs and Dogs Rule! No, he'll never commit. You may corner him into doing it but he'll wake up and come to his senses eventually. Enjoy what you have and stop hoping for more. If it's meant to be, it will be. If you try to force something, it won't ever work out the way you want it to. That's just the way life works.