I'm at fault here?

Question

A few days ago I posted a problem about my youngest cousin and some serious stress she'd been under,the problem was two-fold the first part was her school which i've stepped in on.The second part apparently is me.My job means that I have to travel alot (I work at sea) and i'm rarely at home for more than 3 weeks,but I have a very close bond with my family,especially my youngest cousin.According to her mother her depressive traumatised state reoccurs everytime I leave.To me this is a real problem,I keep in contact as much as possible while i'm away but the knowledge that I am the cause of her problems tears me up inside,especially when she's normally so happy.I really don't know what to do,can anyone suggest a way I might help her?
School problems I can handle but I can't fix what's inside her head.

I feel like I need to add some more details here.

She's 8-years-old,she comes from a very happy family and has a loving parents + sisters.I was always around right from word go,I lived close by and visited most every day,she came to see me like a brother more than anything and I loved her dearly.The fact that i'm suddenly not around to see her everyday is supposed to be the problem (according to her Mother) and yes that makes me the cause of her problems,but I don't know what I can do about it,especially as this behaviour has been going on for more than a year.

Answer 1

Nick,
You are NOT the source of the problem- it is NOT your fault.

It’s the parent(s) Mother’s problem. “Mom” has not formed a bond with her child as she should have. So, the Mother instead blames you because you have formed a bond.

Your cousin is very lucky to have an older family member who she has formed such a great bond with. Someone who will listen to her, help and guide her, protect her, etc… “mom” has failed in those area’s. miserably !!

Sit and talk with your cousin explain to her leaving doesn’t mean you don’t care, are not thinking about her, or don’t want what’s always best for her. Give her a picture she can put up on her wall, (tell her that way she can always be assured you are watching over her), write it down for her or better yet make a short video of you reassuring her she can watch when she is having abandonment challenges. (That is her biggest fear,, you won’t come back) Encourage her to write down things that bother her, or happy times so when you return you and her can sit and discuss her issues she couldn’t tell you when you were gone. Use every opportunity to encourage her to be self-sufficient, self-assured, self confident enough to figure out her challenges on her own. She will grow out of the “abandonment phase” if you’re willing to work with her.

Yes you can "fix what's inside her head". !!

Answer 2

WOW, that seems like a strange problem to blame on you. If you're told that your responsible, then that's just ridiculous. It sounds like to me your doing all you can here. As for your cousin, could it be possible she's developed a little crush on you?!? Not like it's never happened but keep one thing in mind, this is your work, and you HAVE to live your OWN life! If she's really that depressed instead of mom blaming, maybe she should focus her efforts on some counseling.

Answer 3

Talk to your little cousin about it. Even though she is really young she can still voice her thoughts on it . Also talk to her mom, it wasn't necessarily right for her to just pin it on you like that. Maybe she should take her to see a psychologist just to get he feeling out there. You cant give up your career because an 8 year old is unhappy. Good Luck

Answer 4

you have enabled her to rely on you too much over the years. You cannot live her life for her only your own. I suggest talking with her and maybe give her some copeing skills so she can be independent instead of relying on you for problem solving. Make sense? Good Luck to you.

Answer 5

First that would depend on how old she is. But what you can do is talk to her about it. Reassure her that no matter how far you are from her that she is always in thoughts and that when you come home she can talk to you and tell you all that happened while you were gone. I think she needs to feel needed. And NO, you are not at fault.

Answer 6

maybe leave something of yourself behind for her? a picture of you and her doing something fun together? I don't know how old she is but maybe buying her a phone card so she can call you whenever she feels like talking to you? Something I know that works for me and my daughter when she goes to her dad's for the summer: I make a little package once a week and ship it to her......sometimes just an envelope full of stickers, sometimes a book, sometimes just a postcard but it is something for her to look forward to and lets her know I am thinking about her.

Answer 7

Its not your fault. People have to work and thats the way things are. Its good that you keep in touch with her and mabe tell her that you will always be there for her no matter what and keep keeping in tough with her as much as you can.

Answer 8

The fact that you feel like you need to "fix" her, and your aunt has also made you feel this way....tells me the problem is YOU.

This is crazy. There is a lot more to this story....and I suspect the other person with the real problem is your aunt.

Answer 9

well next time u meet he talk to her
tell her that she is very special to you but your job too is very important. and that every time you come to know that sheis depressed hurts u a lot. ask her to make new freinds. go out with them and enjoy life. also she should consentrate on her studies.

Answer 10

you need 2 find out what problems she having at home to cling on to you so badly. coz shes not happy when your not there for some reason.