Suicide - what to tell the children?

Question

A friend of mine committed suicide at the weekend. His wife is very distraught and she has told her children that their daddy died of a heart attack. The children are aged 9 and 6. Was this the right thing to do?

Answer 1

yes they dont need the details as long as they understand hes died
what good would telling them something like that do they might think they were to blame for his actions

Answer 2

I never think it's a good idea to tell a lie to a child, even a 'white' lie. I know this is a very very tragic death and the children need to be told about their dad in a way that they can understand, but truthfully. The problem is, there are neighbours, friends and family that will know how he died and it is surprising how the information of how he died will, sooner or later be brought to the attention of the children. They are already in a state of shock from learning of their dad's death, how much more so when they hear from someone else, how he died. (From experience a friend of mine committed suicide by drowning) he had 2 children about the same age. When the children were in school other children who had heard about it from their parents started asking the bereaved children questions and sometimes being really cruel. Fortunately their mum had explained how their dad had died and the fact that it was in no way any of their faults, or hers, they were better able to cope with the nasty comments and cruel remarks others made to them. It was a very very hard time for the children, often they were confused, but the fact that their mum had told them the truth right from the start enabled them to cope much better than if they had been told a lie. I am pleased to say they have come through it. One is now a paramedic and the other is a solicitor, training to be a barrister. I know this must be a terrible time for the bereaved wife and my heart goes out to her and her children.

Answer 3

I think its a good idea to not lie to children. They'll grow up thinking that he really died of an heart attack, and kids will get older and realize alot in life, and what suicide is. The 9 year old is pretty old enough to talk to.
Kids need an better understanding about stuff like that.
Having an long talk about what happened. Why he killed himself, and a better explanation of what suicide is. Thats there father, they probably loved him to death. Growing up not knowing what really happened is bad!!! If there not mature enough to understand, wait alittle longer till they develope a better knowlege. Oh, and I'm very truly sorry for your friend that commited suicide.

Answer 4

no. i think you should always tell your children the truth. It is how you go about telling them this that is the problem though.

But in the long term a person needs to think what would be best for both them and their children. But not to tell them lies, which a heart attack versus suicide is.

Even if she was to explain that 'daddy' was sad and that is why he died, and not to fully explain until the children were older exactly why 'daddy' committed suicide.

however, i am someone who has luckily not been in that situation, so i am only talking in a theory perspective. Therefore if that was the only/best thing for her to tell her children at that point, who are we to judge her???

Answer 5

Yes, for now. Eventually they will need to know the truth, but I would wait until they have sufficiently recovered from their father's death, that might take a very long time. I would also either have a member of the clergy or a family counselor help in any case. Poor children. I had a good friend who shot himself. He, too, had children. They were alittle older, but still the shock of a suicide is very hard to recover from. For now, I think his widow did the right thing. It's a very tough call to make.

Answer 6

If they need a cause of death (sometimes children dont ask) then heart attack is as good as anything..It would be of no benefit to the children to know that their father committed suicide as at their age they wouldnt understand any possible mental health implications. Even if things were explained they could possibly suffer even more. Best to just make sure that they know they are loved and supported and help them through this terrible ordeal. Good luck.

Answer 7

i sorry to hear about this, my stepdad commited suicide a few years back now and my lil brother must have only been 7 i think. We told him the truth yes he ws upset but he needed to know the truth. there was a programme on channel 4 a week or so ago bout children who had parensts who had committed suicide they were all very young but were told the truth. its up to each indiviual whethr they tell the children the truth. try looking up winstons wish on the internet it was a place where they help chilren with parents who have commited suicide. i know its hard for the children but it will get easier jsut make sure theres always someone on hand for them to talk to. counselling maybe a option.

Answer 8

I am so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine a more selfish act than to commit suicide when you have a wife and young children.

I think that she was right to lie to them for the moment. It would be too much for them to bear, along with the grief of losing their dad.

She should tell them the truth in a few years' time - maybe when they hit their teens. However, it might be difficult. Check that it isn't going into the local paper and also that every adult who has contact with the children (friends' parents, teachers, etc.) knows how she has explained it to them. They don't have to lie - they just don't need to mention the cause of death.

There is no need to disillusion them about their dad and how he died - let them remember him happily without being burdened with guilt and questions.

I really hope that they will all be alright and I am truly sorry for your loss.

Blessed be.

Answer 9

Don't know if I'm qualified to answer this, but I think it probably was right to shield them from the truth in this instance. While 9 and 6 is still quite an innocent age where they may be too young to understand the nature of such actions, children can often be quite cruel (although unintentionally) and they may be picked on by their peers at school etc. I think it would be best to tell them when they've reached their teens and will be able to better understand the emotional pressures of adulthood that can lead to suicide.

But, like I said, I don't think I'm suitably qualified to advise. This is just my opinion. Good luck...

Answer 10

Yes, I believe it was the best way to tell them. If you tell them the whole truth at such a young age, it'll be worse on your friend's wife to console them and take care of herself. I remember going through exactly the same thing as your friend's wife. My husband committed suicide six years ago, I was in tatters. But, thanks to my new partner and my friends and family, I got through it.

The best thing I can say to you is to be a friend to your friend's wife and offer your support when she needs it. Don't take it to heart if she snaps at you and pushes you away. She needs all the friends she can get at this time and the best thing you can do for her if say you're there if you need her and that you can take the kids off her if she needs so breathing space.

I know when I was in your friend's wife's situation, I didn't come out of my room for three days straight. I gave up eating and my children thought I was going to do the same thing. My mum took the kids off m whilst I was in such a state. Good luck and I hope I have helped.

Answer 11

Yes ~ that's the right thing to do for now. Wherever possible, don't ever utter about commit suicide or they might have the tendency to kill themselves. They're too young to know this, and even to lose their beloved daddy... Hopefully, they'll be able to lead a peaceful life after going through all of these pain memories ~