I have couple friends who I call "self-inviters." Some I work with and they'll invite themselves to lunch when I go with a group of other people. Others will invite themselves to parties or other get-togethers. It's not that I don't like them, just that I think it's rude to self-invite yourself to something. And I don't want the other group of friends to think I'm inviting more people who we don't necessarily want to hang out with.
Are these people rude or do I just have a weird pet peeve?
2007-02-26 08:07:58 · 14 answers · asked by bandsbff 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
I suppose I should add: it was at work, for lunch, and I did not discuss the plans in front of him. A couple other people invited me to lunch, he asked what I was doing, I said I was busy, he asked who I was going with so I told him, and then he assumed the invitation extended to him. He is a friend, but not as much with the people I was going with (they're ok with him, but would prefer that he wasn't there).
2007-02-26 11:23:40 · update #1
They are rude. Unfortunately, they are too self-absorbed to see it and no matter what you say to them, they will think you are being rude. It's a no-win situation.
2007-02-26 08:17:50 · answer #1 · answered by amishpantry 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It is very rude to self-invite yourself. Though, you called these people friends. They might just think they are invited because they are a friend.
But it is also rude to discuss plans in front of a person that wasn't invited. How would you like it if everyone was discussing where to go to lunch in front of you & blatently didn't invite you. It might lead you to believe that you were invited just by being there while the plans were being made.
Maybe you should explain to these self-inviters that you can only hang out with them when you specifically invite them to hang out with the rest of the crowd. Chances are you won't ever have to worry about this particular issue again because the self-inviter will probably be so hurt that they aren't good enough for these other friends that they won't bother you again with their obviously unwelcome friendship.
Of course, if your past the whole cool crowd highschool thing, you might find that the self-inviter will be the only person who shows up to help you move, your car breaks down & so on. Most people that are so self involved that they can't get past a few character flaws like over eagerness to be a part of the group, or social ineptness won't be the friend you thought they were. In most cases the "dork" of the crowd will turn out to be the one who will stand by you.
I'm assuming the above is the situation. If the person was truely obnoxious & heinous, you wouldn't have called them a friend. There are folks who are just jerks & the only polite way to deal with them is to not discuss things in front of them. An outright discussion will only lead to an unfortunate altercation. & since you mentioned this is a co-worker, that could lead to an uncomfortable work environment.
2007-02-26 08:36:44 · answer #2 · answered by low_on_ram 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think it is a combination of both.
You are sort of being rude to want to exclude people from the get togethers, and they are being sort of rude to think that a get together can't happen without them.
It is very painful to know you are not wanted when a group of your friends are getting together.
If it was me in your shoes I would make sure that these folks either get asked to go or else are not made aware that something is being planned and they are not to come.
That having been said, if an event is planned and the host doesn't want this folk there -they are setting themselves up for a bad time should they just show up and they should not be surprised when the host says, I am sorry but we only planned on x number of people maybe next time.
2007-02-26 08:23:28 · answer #3 · answered by Axel M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Self-inviters for a work related lunch seems to be more and more common. Usually, the individuals who plan to meet for lunch contact each other directly rather than announce it openly.
Self-inviters, or people who invite other people to your party are rude. This is not acceptable and ought to be told to leave. For example: this by invitation only, goodbye.
Don't worry about offending them, they are offending you and assuming too much.
Had a family member do this. They invited another couple with their children to a family get-to-gether.
This will not happen again.
2007-02-26 08:19:45 · answer #4 · answered by Pacifica 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes it's okay if it's a work lunch and almost the entire group of colleagues is coming, then I don't think it's rude when yet another colleague says 'hey, can I come along'. But it seems your lunch was smaller than that, for a smaller group. And parties, never! I wouldn't let them in, don't care if people think I'm rude but someone I didn't invite isn't going to come in, period.
2007-02-26 19:11:12 · answer #5 · answered by Sheriam 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to be straightforward. Next time you're discussing plans (and, let me just say that it's a tad rude of *you* to discuss plans in front of people that you know you won't invite, if you think they'd want to attend), make it clear that so-and-so is coming along, and that's *it*. The best way is to say something like "I only have five tickets for Connor, Brenda, Matt, Alison and myself." If the self-inviters still insist on tagging along, just go along with it. But the next day, you need to pull them aside and tell them, "Listen, I always have a great time when we go out, but it's really awkward when you show up without being invited. It's nothing personal, but it bugs me when ANYONE invites herself. Sometimes it puts a strain on plans that limit the amount of people that can attend, and it could make other people uncomfortable, especially if they don't know you or I haven't seen them in a long time. So, please, I'm asking you as a friend to just let ME invite you. Why don't we go to your favorite restaurant on Saturday? Just the two of us. I appreciate your understanding."
What a mouthful, huh? But you need to let these people know it's annoying. People do that with me all the time, and I've had to set them straight.
2007-02-26 10:34:49 · answer #6 · answered by -:- Masha -:- 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my opinion, these people are a bit rude on the self-inviter's part for just showing up uninvited. On the other hand, it's kind of rude of you not to let them know that they were not invited. I mean, if you want to go somewhere where the other friends are not invited, why talk about it in front of them? If you don't talk about it while the "unwanted" guests are around, then they won't know it's going on and want be inclined to "self-invite" themselves. Just my opinion... take from it what you will :)
2007-02-26 08:17:27 · answer #7 · answered by cutekate0520 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is rather rude to invite yourself to a place without being asked.
#1- Don't tell them about events you don't want them to know about
#2- If they attempt to do this you could say:well, its just for us 4 so, maybe next time you can join us.
#3-If they invite themselves to my party--"Oh, Im sorry, there is a list and I only had enough for the people that are here. You should have told me you wanted to come. Well maybe the next party you can attend. Goodbye."And close the door.
2007-02-26 08:30:12 · answer #8 · answered by tropikanagirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
They are rude. The next time, send secret invitations.
2007-02-26 10:53:49 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
self-invitees-hinters are totally clueless and socially not sophisticated at all
just out for themselves and we all know it-it's a laugh
tell them no-or they'll be back
never give in or they'll think it's "open season" on you
it's plain rude-but they'll never see themselves that way
why? dense anyone?
2016-01-03 04:41:09 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋