I need a funny joke?

Question

I am looking for a funny joke to text message a girl I like. Question and answer jokes only please.

Answer 1

The winner, submitted by Gurpal Gosall, of Manchester, England was:

“ A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" ”

Answer 2

Take thy pick:

Q. How does every ethnic joke start?
A. By looking over your shoulder.
Q. How is a (insert target group here) joke like
premature ejaculation?
A. You know it's coming and you can't do a damn thing to
stop it.
Q. What goes, "Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG,
clip-clop, clip-clop?"
A. An Amish drive-by shooting
Q. What is "Miami Math?"
A. "TWO plus DOS equal FOE".
Q. A black and a Puerto Rican are in the same car, who's
driving?
A. The Policeman
Q. Why is there so little Puerto Rican literature?
A. Because spray paint wasn't invented `till 1949.
Q. Why don't Puerto Ricans have checking accounts?
A. Because it's hard to sign checks with a spray can.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
A. Bi-lingual.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
A. Tri-lingual.
Q. What do you call someone who speaks only one language?
A. An American.
Q. What's brown and full of holes?
A. Swiss ****!
Q. Why don't Italians have freckles?
A. They all slide off.
Q. How do you brainwash an Italian?
A. Give him an enema.
Q. What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A. Pig Latin!
Q. What do you call an Italian with an I.Q. of 180?
A. Sicily.
Q. Why did the Italian staple his nuts together?
A. "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em"
Q. Why is Italy shaped like a boot?
A. Do you think they could fit all that **** in a tennis
shoe?
Q. How does an Italian count his goats?
A. He just counts the legs, and divides by four.
Q. How did they advertise surplus W. W. II Italian
rifles for sale?
A. "Never fired, and only dropped once."
Q. Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottomed boats?
A. So they can steer clear of the old Italian Navy.
Q. Why is Italian bread so long?
A. So they can dip it into the sewer.
Q. How is the Italian version of Christmas different?
A. One Mary, one Jesus, and 32 Wise guys.
Q. Who really killed John F. Kennedy?
A. Two hundred Italian sharpshooters.
Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business?
A. Usually through the skylight.
Q. How do Italian girls shave their legs?
A. They lie down outside and have someone mow them.
Q. What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.
Q. What do you get when you cross an Italian and a Pollack?
A guy who makes you an offer you can t understand.
Q. How do you kill an Italian?
A. Smash the toilet seat on the back of his head when he
is getting a drink.
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Italian, what would Cheetah be?
A. The least hairy of the three.
Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid?
A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the
oil.?
Q. Why do Puerto Ricans throw their trash away in clear
plastic bags?
A. So Italians can go window shopping.
Q. What s an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.
Q. Why do Italian men have mustaches?
A. So they can look like their mothers.
Q. Why are most Italian men named Tony?
A. When they got on the boat to America they stamped To
NY (Tony) on their foreheads.
Q. How do you make an Italian?
A. Put a black in one hand, a Jew in the other, and slam
them together. WOP!!
Q. Who won the Belgian beauty contest?
A. Nobody.
Q. What's the difference between an Arab and a terrorist?
A. An Arab would have kept the wheelchair.
Q. Why don't Arabs ever get hemorrhoids?
A. Because they are such perfect assholes!
Q. What do Arabs do on a Saturday night?
A. Sit under palm trees and eat their dates.
Q. What's worse than being hijacked by the PLO?
A. Being rescued by the Egyptians.
Q. Why can't you circumcise Libyans?
A. Because there's no end to those pricks.
Q. What happened to the Iranian that tried to blow up
the bus?
A. He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex
education on the same day in Iraq?
A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
Q. Why did they outlaw bingo in Iraq?
A. Because everyone scrambled for cover anytime they
called B-1
Q. Whay does saddam Hussein & Little Bo Peep have in common?
A. They both have Kurds in their whey (way)
Q: How do you break a Pole's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q. Why did the Pole buy his wife a wig?
A. He heard that she was getting balled at the office.
Q. Did you hear about the Polish man who can't spell?
A. Every pay-day he spends all night at a warehouse.
Q. If a Polack and a Mexican fall off the top of a tall
building, who hits the ground first?
A. The Polack, because the Mexican stopped to spray his
name on the wall
A. The Mexican, because the Polack got lost
A. WHO CARES?
Q. Why are the affairs of French men so discreet?
A. Pigs can't talk.
Q. What's the difference between a frenchwoman and a
werewolf?
A. The frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the
werewolf smells better.

Answer 3

from Jack Handley...

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.

You know what would be the most terrifying thing for a flea? To get caught in a watch somehow. Hey, you don't even care, do you?

How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.

Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.

Answer 4

There was once a blonde girl named Sally. Her husband was at work, and to entertain herself, she decided to do a puzzle.

Her husband came home later to find his wife angry and breathing hard at the table.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I'm trying to do this stupid puzzle! It's supposed to be a tiger!" she replied.

The husband looked at the puzzle, sighed, and said,"Sally, dear, put the frosted flakes back in the box!"

Answer 5

what do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brown?
artificial intelligence!

what do you call a smart blonde?
a golden retriever!

Answer 6

sorry don't know any .....