Younger bf, issues, want to work it out..but how?!?

Question

So I already posted about my boyfriend and mine’s fight this past weekend. And now today I asked him to go out for lunch and basically he said he wanted to break up. Then when I got all upset and cried, he started to change his mind and said he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. He says he just wants us to go back to how it was before, which is exactly what I want as well. But it can’t just happen over night either. Plus I have been really upset lately, health/family/relationship, maybe slightly depressed which I think he has been too since his grandpa died. I don’t drive and I really like going to the city, which we live an hour away from. But he doesn’t, so clearly I need to get my license again (the reason I don’t drive is I was in a bad accident and I’m scared).

I think part of it is, I don’t want to always go out. Or I do but only if he pushes me, or acts like he wants me too. Just cuz most of the time he doesn’t seem to want me there. I think I stupidly guilt him into things. I think I act like stubborn just to get attention from him maybe? Like on Sat he said he didn’t want to go out but kinda did, and I basically pushed him to go. Even though I wanted him too go, I still wanted him to stay. But I got mad when he left. Does that remotely make sense?

I think when we first met I was in a lot happier place then I am now. And I think because he is younger, he is sort of like “I don’t need this drama” And I think he should deal with it in some ways, and yet I know in my heart it MY problem. How can I separate the two things?

How can I let him know that some of our issues aren’t him and it’s me? I am not taking blame for everything. Because some isn’t me! But I do think some is.

I want to go out with him and do things with him, but I want nights together too. How do I relate that to him without it seeming like I’m demanding it?

He says he just wants to be single and not worrying about anything or anyone. Yet he doesn’t want to lose me. It’s like he wants both world’s which isn’t ok, but yet I think it’s possible in some ways.

Like I don’t think he has to know if we are ‘forever’ right now. And I want him to go out and do his own thing, but I want to be left feeling secure when he leaves. I don’t want him to say “I don’t love you” and then leave.

And frankly I was not perfect before this all start happening. I use to break up with him whenever I got freaked out. And he stuck by me. I think that’s why I can stay with him through this. Because he use to be the perfect boyfriend to me and I didn’t appreciate it then. And now when he has changed, I ***** about it. No wonder the guy is confused.

We do live together currently and I don’t want to break up, if I can help it. But I don’t want to make him stay with me out of guilt of seeing me cry either. Or because of some reason like that.

HELP!

Answer 1

This is a jumble of thoughts. It reads like a stream of conciousness. It probably reflects your state of mind right now. I probably reflects his. I can hear frustration. I can hear resentment. I can hear hurt as well. When he says "I don't love you" and leaves, that's his saying hurtful things to you. Why is he doing that? Is he hurt? By you?

As trite as it sounds, communication seems to be lacking. You two may talk, but you aren't getting any resolution of what each of you need through talking. You aren't effective at getting your messages across. Have you two even tried to communicate what you are communicating here in writing this? You need to stop with the unclear messages as well. I'll bet if he opens up honestly to you, he will say that he's frustrated with your mixed messages. He doesn't know whether he's coming or going with you. I get the distinct impression that your bf is not the type to bring up relationship conflicts. Is he the type to try to keep peace and do what he thinks you want him to do or tells him you want him to do in order to avoid a conflict? Does he bury his resentment with you in order to keep the peace? Have you communicated to him that you need and want to feel safe and secure? Does he understand that you want him to be his own person with interest and life apart from you? That just because two of you are a couple doesn't mean life for him as an individual person ceases to exist?

I think that life's situation thrown at you and him are secondary. They simply brought the tension to the forefront faster. The systemic communication problem, the frustration, and the resentment has probably been building for a while. Not trying to be pessimistic, but you would have probably eventually arrived here regardless of life's events.

With regards to whether you were happier before, can you separate whether you were happier before because life wasn't throwing you curveballs or you were happier before because your fire with your bf was still going strong and both of you were willing to overlook everything? Are you unhappy now because of life's events or are you unhappy now because the constant tension in this relationship has got you both emotionally running on empty?

Don't play the blame game. Don't point fingers. It's really hard, but to move forward, the two of you are going to need to forgive each other. You will need hope that you two can have a loving relationship. Don't forget that two of you were once head-over-heels over each other. When you are tired from the constant relationship stress, it's hard to remember what it was like when things went well. But remember that they were. You two were. The only thing on your mind was getting all googly eyed about each other. Think on that to give you the hope you need. Have some faith that you can have that relationship with him again once you figure out how to communicate effectively without hurting each other. Now I'm starting to sound like a counselor.

I really don't want to be play the amateur counselor. It's much too complex and I'm not a counselor. I can't bear the thought of somehow causing you or him more distress if I'm wrong. I do want to say that your relationship, as bad as it might feel, probably isn't irreconcilable. But the two of you will need to commit to working it out. Together. It will take some emotional maturity and a level of personal growth as well. Again, the commitment part of the relationship doesn't get tested in the beginning when both of you were full of optimism and good will toward each other. Now it is. Start by getting help on how you two are interacting and communicating. Whatever interaction you two are doing to each other, it's broken and causing both of you hurt. Seek professional help if you want to work it out. They've seen worse, I'm sure. At least pick up books written by counselors to heal broken marriages. I know you aren't married, but what you write reads like a burnt out married couple on the edge of separation or a divorce. The tools they offer may help you.

Answer 2

just give him some time and if hes not gonna shape up then he wants it to be over but hun dont be so stressed out because of him u gotta tell him everything that is on ur mind and maybe things will change, but remember dont make him feel bad 4 u and stay with u because taht wont be a good relationship, if u need any advice u could always message me. GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

i do no longer think of this is basically too youthful to have a bf, and he's no longer that a lot older then your self so as this is a sturdy initiate.. keep in mind the will arises instruct your parents incorrect in which you would be doing the main appropriate factor with having him as your bf. in the experience that your grades or habit is going down then you definately will discover that they might know then so be shore to not sleep including your college or anticipate your parents to no longer wont you relationship until eventually your on your 80's (yet i think of which you may get off grounding by utilising the time your on your 40's :) ) in case you like him and picture that your waiting to deal with all you have now and then him too then choose for it have relaxing. yet shop it to kissing, conserving hands etc does no longer wont to be sure you on on your young human beings asserting am i prego!!

Answer 4

I think guilt is the only thing keeping him there. You need to work on a lot of issues, and it may be best if you were alone when you did. If he is younger, you need to do the mature thing and let him go. He doesn't want to hurt you, but he clearly wants out.