So my husband is getting deployed to Iraq in two days...?

Question

and he's been acting really cold and distant from me the past two weeks. Like EXTREMELY! He'd pull away from me when I'd try to touch him...he'd be really short with me and pick fights and put me down and call me really bad names.. He got a room in the barracks and actually didnt come home for a few nights here and there. When we went back home to CT for the weekend he dropped me off at my parents place and didnt talk to me or see me till they day we left.
I'd call my mother and friends and cry to them every night because I was so hurt...
And just last night he started being nice to me again.. He says he acted like that because he was nervous about the deployment... but what he did was overkill...I feel like Im letting him off the hook because Im blowing it off like it didnt really bother me and being nice back to him because he leaves wed...
But what's the deal?? I totally dont know whats going on with him or us, or if I believe the 'I was just nervous' ploy...What am I to do???

Answer 1

I didn't read all of the responses so what I am about to say is probably redundant. Service members treat family like crap before a deployment in hopes that it makes saying "see ya" easier and that if god forbid something were to happen, it would be easier on you. I was actually told this at Behavioral Health during the war in 2003. It's all psychological. My husband and I have done this 3 times already and it has been the same all t3 times. He would get very distant and mean. It's the way some deal with this type of stress. All I can tell you is continue to be his wife and love him with everything you have! It's a long road and if you 2 can make it through this, the rewards are sweet. Our marriage is MUCH, MUCH stronger now than it ever was. I am very persistant in telling him how much I love him and support him. I also constantly remind him I will be here when he gets home. Being an a$$ before deployment is always overkill, yet for some, it will always be how they deal with it. I wish you luck and him God Speed! Take care of yourself and your man!

Answer 2

It could be that he has a case of the nerves and wants to spend time doing the things he wants to do. Although, he might have (should have) asked you to join him. We (military members) go thru a lot of stages prior to a deployment believe it or not. Some of us spend every waking hour with our loved ones and others shy away from everyone except the fellow soldiers that we're going to spend the next year with. Give him some time to settle down and realize the mistake he's made by shutting you out. Believe me, he'll come around. Show your support by sending e-mails and lots of care packages. Get involved with the Family Readiness Group also, they're not just a bunch of gossip annies. Some of those spouses have been around the military block so to speak and can point you in the right direction for any assistance you need. Prayers to you, your husband and his unit.

Answer 3

My husband and I both got deployed to Iraq with in weeks of each other but we were on completly differnt sides of the country and never saw each other and the last few weeks because it was so hard preparing for war and we were newly married too we didn't see each other during training and only for a few hours at night because of it he is scared he won't admit it just make sure he knows that you love him and make sure you become active in a family group with the unit they can help you this is a difficult time e mail me [e-mail] and I will talk to you more just remember he does love you he just is scared like everyone facing the deployment now more than ever just keep faith.

Answer 4

My husband and I always fight like crazy the last few weeks before he deploys. A friend of mine who works as a school psychologist told me that it is a natural response to push someone away right before you are about to be seperated. Subconsciously, you feel like you won't miss someone as much if you aren't getting along when he leaves. You are both under a lot of stress and unfortunately, it gets taken out on each other.

Let him know how hurt you are/were, but also try to make the best of your last few days together! And try not to let the pattern continue when he is gone - fighting over the phone from 7000 miles away is no fun. Good luck!

Answer 5

I'm guessing that he's in the Army and has tried to come to terms with what faces him once he gets into the war-zone. As an veteran of the current conflict, I felt very nervous about being sent over and it was that much worse when I returned. I'm single, but I can't imagine what I would do with a spouse involved? All I can say is that he is facing a possible outcome where he feels that he won't see you again and didn't know how to express that to you. It isn't an easy thing to come to terms with possibly being killed and how that will effect those that you leave behind. My family was devastated when I was leaving and seeing them before I left made me feel really that I neede to protect myself from their fears and focus on my own. I ould guess that your husband loves you very much and doesn't know how to express those thoughts of possibly dying in Iraq to you and moreso, won't know how to react to you reaction if he does tell you?? I hope this helps in some way.

Answer 6

Those emotions he showed were horrible, but remember that is not good news, This war people have opinions and different way of showing anger. I think being in a relationship at this time is hard enough. Just tell him the way you felt and ask him not to do it again. We all have emotions and feelings regardless of what is going on. I feel bad for you because its your husband . But just remember those delicate words at marriage. I have a person in my life and we are separated at this time because of that same kind of behavior we try to work things out but we are not married so I just kicked him to the curb. The only relationship I have with him is concerning my child. Best of luck to you things will get better. You have a great attitude, Don't make no more out of it.

Answer 7

He needs Focus, right now he thinks if he concentrates hard enough on his comrades packs the right stuff, and can run real fast maybe he will come home alive, Wives are optional.
Maybe when he gets there, he will realize things are gonna be OK. Jarhead was such a bad movie, but its a real snapshot of Military life on deployment.

Answer 8

For now, let it blow over. He's leaving soon, and distance truly does make the heart grow fonder.

I know from experience that some men do pull away when they are under that kind of pressure. I've had someone explain to me before that they thought leaving would be easier if they were fighting with their loved ones because they wouldn't feel so attached, and their spouses/friends would be so PO'ed that if they died it wouldn't matter to anyone.

It's not correct logic, but it's their logic. It's very sad.

I'm very sory about your husband. God bless you (and him, of course), for your willingness to sacrifice for this country.

Answer 9

I've been there girl 3 times already. My hubby and i go thru that every deployment. We start to fight and just dont want to talk to each other and be near one another. Its just that he doesnt want to go and you dont either and its easier to distance yourself to try and make it easier but we arent doing that just making it harder and we dont realize it. My hubbys last deployment when he left i was 8 months pregnant we fought soo much he would end up in the living room. I didnt want him to go and leave me alone to deal with the delivery and everything i was scared i wasnt going to get to see him again and him not get to meet his son. You have to keep talking and spend as much time as you can with each other instead of arguing. You never know what can happen weather deployed or not things do happen and we regret things we say and do to hurt each other. If you can last thru a deployment you can do anything. Its hard being a miltiary spouse or gf but we have to be the strong ones to keep the family together and make sure our husbands and bf's return by letting them know everything is fine and let them focus on their job out there. Keep your head up and he will change once hes out there he will try to call you as much as he can because he will miss ya to death and you will miss him as well. one tip write him a letter now and have it sent to his address out there so by the time he does get there he will have a letter from you and maybe some pics if you send him some.

Answer 10

I'm not in your situation, but I feel greatly for you. I can only imagine how it must feel for the both of you. You are probably scared at the prospect of the danger that he's in and how you're going to cope with him being gone for so long. He's probably scared of the danger that awaits him and being gone from you for so long also. My advice would be for the 2 of you to just try to work things out before he leaves. Do you really want him to leave with friction between the 2 of you? I wish you the best of luck and a safe return for your husband!