My boyfriend had been going through issues for the last couple months, his grandpa died, he was drinking more and seemed depressed. We started getting along better the last few months, but it still seems like he just doesn’t really care about me or my feelings. This past weekend, he came home after working all day. And he said he sort of wanted to go out. Which was fine, I wasn’t feeling so good so I didn’t want too. But I told him to go if he wanted. He even said I was making it easy to go. But he said he didn’t want too. But then when I got up from the couch, he called his bro ‘just to see if he could come get him if he did want to go out’. It was clear he wanted to go, even though he denies it. Then he said the lights were on at his parents, so he was going to go check. But he was drinking a beer, so he got dressed in ‘going out’ clothes and never went to his parents…kinda odd.
I really thought he wanted to go out, so I just said “I want to be alone so just go”. And he called his bro to come get him. Fair enough.
So while we were waiting for him to go, we got into a fight and he told me he didn’t love me. Which is like the 6th time, and then said it was just out frustration.
Then he didn’t come home till the next day late. Now every time he has gone out like this, we fight, he leaves and stays out all night…he comes home with a girl’s phone number. He says they are just friends, some even have boyfriends….so he says. But is not WEIRD?
I’m not there…he gets a girls number?
Or am I reading too much into this? We live together and have been together almost two years now. I don’t want to break up, but I think some days it just not worth it. He doesn’t seem to even care about me.
2007-02-26 05:45:58 · 8 answers · asked by nkbapbt 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Oh not to mention we never seem to have sex anymore....even though I want too like nightly.
Which is really messed up since he use to want to every night.
Is it just a rut?
2007-02-26 05:47:55 · update #1
I dont think he is cheating on me by the way. He isn't really that type of guy, though the numbers are weird. Two of them DO have boyfriends. The third girl's number is a chick I've met and who would never get with him.
2007-02-26 05:53:16 · update #2
I also don't think he is lying to me. I just think he wants to be able to go out and drink. He always asks me to go, but sometimes I just dont want too.
He isn't always rude or like this. Most of the time he is the complete opposite.
2007-02-26 05:55:39 · update #3
It's not a rut. It isn't over between the two of you either. I think that you ought to trust your bf for now. If your gut tells you that he isn't cheating on you but this is some symptom that he is unhappy with the relationship, then that's probably what it is. You are analyzing the health of the relationship, which is fairly typical for the woman in a relationship, when something feels amiss. It sounds like he is in denial and is withdrawing from something in the relationship, which is also fairly typical of what a man does.
You two have some systemic issues to discuss and resolve. I don't know what they are, but they are causing one or both of you to have needs that aren't being met. You two will have a better idea what they are, and they are somewhat different between relationship to relationship. You two's ability to identify and resolve those issues will determine whether the relationship gets back on satisfying grounds. What you said about his saying things "out of frustration" struck a nerve with me. Why is he frustrated? And I don't mean just the obvious things about his grandpa's death. Don't take it personally, but have you asked him whether he is frustrated with you? Have you created a situation for him to really talk to you about what you may be doing that frustrates him without being on the defensive or putting him on the defensive? It's hard. For what it's worth, what you are describing sounds fairly typical in a pattern of relationship that happens after the exciting, rose-colored glasses phase of courtship is done. The dynamics of a relationship is typically that the initial "honeymoon" period eventually ends after a few years. Now the real commitment you have for each other and your ability to resolve serious, emotionally-charged conflicts will come to the front burner. This is where the respect and commitment part of the relationhip are tested, after the honeymoon is over. What you said about his not wanting sex is also fairly typical. He's withdrawing. From you. He may not want to admit it and probably won't freely volunteer. However....Why?
Since you aren't married and have no children to consider, ending the relationship is a more viable option than otherwise. It's painful, of course, but it is more viable than if you had children together. You two have some talking to do and decision to make. If you want to make it work, it will be that. The good thing about trying to make it work, if both of you recognize and are commited to doing it, is that you two learn a lot about yourselves and how to maintain relationships beyond the honeymoon period. From what I can see, however, there appears to be something that is causing the level of intimacy to deteriorate in the relationship. That kind of thing does not improve on it's own by ignoring it.
I don't want to be an armchair relationship counselor, so I'll just leave it by saying that if you choose to go that route, I would suggest marriage counseling books or even marriage counselors (I know you aren't married, but the problems and conflict resolution tools you need are the same). Know that you have to be committed to doing it. No half-a**ed effort will succeed. You will have to be open to see how you are contributing to the problems in the relationship and so does he. It's hard to admit that oneself is as much of a contributor to the problem in the relationship as the partner. Again, however, my opinion is that it is a worthwhile effort.
2007-02-26 06:31:03 · answer #1 · answered by Elisa 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Because you are not married, you both are free to do as you please. It doesn't sound good. Have you been able to have a real conversation with him or just fights? YOu need to have him give you a straight answer and go from there. If it's freedom he wants, then part with him. If not, let him know that things will have to change. Maybe seek counseling for the two of you. When you feel an argument heating up and becoming a worthless fighting and throwing around of hurtful remarks, stop yourself. Even if that's what you want to do because it will not get you anywhere but frustrated.
2007-02-26 05:52:39 · answer #2 · answered by VW 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There's a possibility he could be cheating on you especially if he's coming home with other girl's numbers, and has told you several times he doesn't love you anymore. If he's being distant sexually, and emotionally, then something is definitely up. If he continues to come home with other girl's numbers and doesn't give you the affection you deserve, then you're better off without him I think. It's his loss, and you deserve better! I hope that things work out for you.
2007-02-26 05:53:36 · answer #3 · answered by poetry_dreamer2001 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
In my experience, men behave like this when they want out of the relationship but they don't want to be the one to end it. In other words, he's handing you every reason break up with him, and he's hoping you'll take the bait.
This is a clear difference between men and women. If a woman wants out, she'll leave the guy. If a guy wants out, he'll gradually slide into a single lifestyle, and may even get the next girlfriend all lined up and ready to go, before making a move to leave. Men are strange.
2007-02-26 05:52:01 · answer #4 · answered by ♥Lucky♥ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is giving you an easy out. Hate to break it to you, but he is. He is obviously too scared to actually do it, so he is just going to keep pushing you until you leave. He is thinking if he keeps acting this way, then eventually you will get tired of it, and he doesn't have to feel bad. Personally, I would not stay where someone keeps telling me they don't love me. Some things aren't meant to be forever, cut your losses and move on.
2007-02-26 06:06:07 · answer #5 · answered by kc 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think this relationship is done, but neither of you have the guts to end it. You both need to sit down and discuss moving on. Some of the signs:
1. More drinking which is self-medicating for his depression and unhappiness.
2. He lies to you.
3. He's getting other girls' numbers.
4. No intimacy, and not just sex.
You need to move on. :(
2007-02-26 05:52:02 · answer #6 · answered by scarfyrre 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh honey you are most certainly pas the rut stage time to kick him to the curb. do not be his door mat he is definitely messing around and he is telling you he doesn't love you how much more abuse to you need?!he does what he does because you let him.find a new place and find a guy who will love you and treat you with respect, don't read any more into his behavior
2007-02-26 05:59:58 · answer #7 · answered by marie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This ebook might help you to understand what's wrong in your relationship and It also teaches what to do to try saving your marriage http://savemarriage.toptips.org
It helped me alot!
2014-09-25 20:25:58 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is having sex with someone else, he wants out but since it is your apartment he doesnt know how to do this,, you need him to stop mooching off of you ,, kick him out, tell him you need time to think, make up a name, say Gayle said she saw you with some chick at the local bar,
2007-02-26 05:51:36 · answer #9 · answered by rich2481 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
my dear i am sorry to say that it is over i am sorry i know that is hard to deal with i am on yahoo as marinechef2003 if you wanna talk more
2007-02-26 05:54:29 · answer #10 · answered by Mark R 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋