Daughter wants to live with dad but stepmother will provide majority of care?

Question

My daughter wants to go live with her father two hours away. Her father is remarried now has a step son, new baby with his new wife. I am a F-T student, working F-T and have 2 other younger children so I will be limited as to when I could see her. I don't doubt that her father can care for her but much of the care will be left up to the wife. My daughter just told me that the new wife was mean and had spanked her before, but this is not changing her decision in leaving. I do not know the new wife very well but felt some anger toward for her for spanking my daughter, and not really making her presence known to me as my childs new step parent. When she comes over she sits in the car, on the phone she is cold and talks through my daughter, they kept my daughter over the summer (her dad was away on business) and the wife left a majority of my childs clothing up to her to pack and did not return most of them. Should I rethink letting my daughter live there since wife will provide most care

Answer 1

I wouldn't let her go. The woman obviously doesn't want to have communication with you, which is vital and she took it on herself to put her hands on your daughter. I'm not anti-spanking, but if anyone other then me puts their hands on my children without it be approved as a viable discipline tactic (and the discipline tactics should be approved by all parents) then they would have hell to pay!!!

Answer 2

Why not set a "trial period" say 3-4 months or so. If you just put your foot down and say no you will alienate your daughter. Obviously she feels she knows what she's getting into (even if she really doesn't). Let her go there and re-evaluate the situation with her in 3-4 months. Visiting with your daughter doesn't have to be face to face all the time either. Get her a cell phone or just the regular phone and set up a time and day that you will speak (Friday at 8, Wednesday at 6, etc). Ask about school, friends, her new step-sibling. Keep the communications open and if something begins to go wrong she will feel she can confide in you and return to you. Also stress to her that if something serious should ever develope in her life she can always talk to the school guidance officers for help. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

How old is you daughter?
This should play a lot into your decision. You know her best. Consider if she is just wanting to be somewhere that she goes home after school instead of to child care. Or even if she is wanting more boundaries than you with your schedule can give her. It could be a simple desire for her to get some time with her dad and the only way she feels she can do this is to live there and catch him when he is home. It sounds like he is away a lot. Talk to him in depth about it. Form you description you daughter would be with her stepmother more not her father and that it not really the point is it?
Good luck with all of this it sounds like a difficult decision.

Answer 4

The woman you just described seems self-centered and narcissistic. The fact that she refuses to talk to you like a normal, caring human being says at the very least that she is upset that you are still in her husband's life. It may be that you are not directly involved in his life, but because he has a daughter (who's older than her own children) with you the new wife probably feels like he may favor your daughter over her children. Try to talk to her, let her know of your concerns, before making any major decisions. Also, make it clear to her, your ex, and your daughter that she is not to lay a hand on the girl.

To be honest, though, she seems irresponsible and childish for her actions over the summer. Her jealousy of your daughter could be dangerous.

Answer 5

I have no kids but if I did I would be telling her no. Her step-mother sounds harsh and un-caring. I am wondering HOW OLD IS YOUR daughter? If she is still being spanked and was not able to pack her clothes I am assuming she is younger. If she is I dont think she should be making that choice regardless. I hope you are able to make a decision.

Answer 6

Dont know if your on good talking terms with your ex, but I would bring the spanking thing to his attention, and what your daughter said about her being mean and all, and if this is how your daughter is going to be treated that you dont think it would be a good idea, and if he not going to be able to act as her father while she is there and with him gone a lot whats the point...

Answer 7

I think you need to lay down the rules for your daughter and the new wife, if you let your daughter live there. Spanking is not allowed. Your daughter need to let you know if she does not feel comfortable at her new home. If you can not speak to that woman, talk to your ex husband. It is his daughter too.

By the way, how old is your daughter?

Answer 8

Yes, I would rethink it. You don't say how old your daughter is. I wonder why she would want to live there if she feels she is mean to her. I would tell your daughter that if she is mean to her now, it won't get better if she lives there, it will get worse. Sounds like your ex probably told his wife something about you that isn't very nice for her to treat you distant. Sounds like quite a dilemna!

Answer 9

Tell your daughter, your ex and his wife that your daughter will not be going to live with them, she's staying right here with you. If they get mad so be it. They can get over it.

Answer 10

How about some family therapy first?
You will ned a child advocate, even if there is no court telling you so.
This woman sounds evil. I've seen one bad and now one good stepmother for my son.
This one sounds evil.
Good luck.