My aunt died on a Monday and a wake was held on Thurs. and a funeral on Friday. My husband, myself and my children were extremely close to her. The funeral/wake took place about 600 miles away from where we live. My mother has been caring for my aunt for the past 1 1/2 yrs. (doctor appts., chemo, radiation, etc.) We have three children (all in school) and decided that it would be best for only me (the niece) to fly in without my husband. I returned on Sat. morning. My mother-in-law lives about 120 mi. away and could have stayed with the kids only on Thursday. I did not have any other family to ask to watch the kids. I also did not ask any of my friends to watch the kids.
My mother and my other aunt did not understand why my husband was not flying in with me or why we did not drive in with the entire family. They currently are not speaking to me. I am very hurt and wonder how others would deal with this situation?
2007-02-26 02:34:30 · 14 answers · asked by Curious 2 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Sometimes families have to make those tough decisions based upon what is best for them rather than what they would like. While this may not have been what you and your family wanted to do, it was a decision you all decided what was best. Flying is expensive with a family and driving is not always the best option for many reasons. I think you should find a good time (give time to grieve for a sister's death) to let you mother know how hurt you were by all of this. If it were me, my wife and I have two small children, I would have probably made the same decision, and while I would probably be hurt as well, I would recognize that everyone is not privy to my family's situation and decisions my wife and I make are our decisions TO make.
It sounds like you all love your aunt that passed away very much and are all hurt by her death, but it just wasn't feasible at the time to all go. That decision is yours to make, and people should respect it. Give it some time and work it out with your mom. Sorry for your loss, and good luck!
2007-02-26 03:09:52 · answer #1 · answered by Mark B 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry, but the only person whose 'wishes' you should worry about at any funeral are yours and those of your immediate family. Your husband stayed home to take cared of the children while you went to the funeral. There is NOTHING WRONG with that. You said that you, your husband, and your children were 'extremely close to' your aunt before she died ... and that is a very GOOD THING ... and dragging kids 600 miles to attend a funeral is 'silly' and also very 'bad' for them ... and since you were the one who was actually related to the lady who died, you did 'quite enough' to go on your own. I would simply 'ignore' the relatives who 'aren't speaking' to you because they're 'miffed' ... and go on with your own life. If you want to, though, ask your 'miffed' relatives 'Which was more important ... knowing my aunt when she was alive, or going to her funeral?' I'm sorry, but I don't 'believe in' funerals that are 'traditional' at all, and would rather 'honor the dead person' in my own heart rather than 'attend a funeral' ... they're very 'fake' and very 'uptight' ... so if you are 'honoring your aunt' and helping your children to understand 'death' then you are doing all that you should ... and give the relatives time ... eventually they'll die, too, and they won't know whether you 'go to their funerals' alone, with your husband and kids, or go out for a 'night on the town' because they'll be DEAD.
2007-02-26 02:52:46 · answer #2 · answered by Kris L 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO he should not feel guilty or bad, It is sad that people do not realize that sometimes someones passing can cost so much money,, it just isnt feesible, I would let it blow over, I can see where it would cost you a fortune for everyone to go ( cant leave kids alone ) and you are the true family,,
I will say good for you, for not letting this become a burden on your family and going alone, I always say if I cant say goodbye when the person is livng,, Death certainly isnt the time,
call your mom in a week and tell her you were thinking of her and wanted her to know you love her
2007-02-26 02:43:37 · answer #3 · answered by rich2481 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think what you did was entirely appropriate. My guess is that your relatives are too wrapped up in their own grief to understand the practical reality of your situation.
Let them not speak to you for a while, and give them time to heal. Then send them a card or note explaining very clearly why you made the arrangments you did and that you are hoping they will come to understand that you had to take care of your family.
You have my condolences, I hope they get over it soon. I think you did the right thing and it's really cruel of them to punish you for it. Mothers need to be cut some slack.
2007-02-26 02:47:28 · answer #4 · answered by KC 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
No absolutely not. They should be happy that you have such a devoted husband and good father for you children! Give them some time to heal, and then you should let them know how lousy they made you feel! If anyone should feel guilty when it is all said and done, it should be your other aunt and mother!
2007-02-26 09:12:58 · answer #5 · answered by Monica 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mom and other aunt are just grieving and when people are grieving that don't always think rationally. Just give it some time. Maybe wait a couple of weeks and send a letter to them stating why he could not make it.
2007-02-26 02:43:12 · answer #6 · answered by Ryan's mom 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
They are grieving, grief makes one irrational, in time, you can talk about it, and they will be more rational, it will just take time. That you were able to drop everything, catch a flight on short notice and make the funeral is amazing........to take the whole family would have been impossible. I'm sure they wanted to be there, but if you tried, none of you would have made it...........It just takes time, let them grieve, and be there for them........it will take time to it to sink in.
2007-02-26 03:11:09 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your family made a choice that was best for your family.
Your mother and aunt are out of line. They will get over it.
If anything further is said to you or your husband about it, I would say that we "made the best choice for our family".
Period end of discussion. If they persist, "its over, lets move on".
Ragging on about it will not change anything.
2007-02-26 10:09:24 · answer #8 · answered by Pacifica 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Their hurt is likely not based on reason right now- it's based in grief over your aunt's death. Give them time to calm down, and then just explain that it was a child care issue, etc..... and hopefully they will understand.
2007-02-26 02:40:58 · answer #9 · answered by GEEGEE 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
They are grieving. Eventually, they will get over it. Eventually. You need to be the grown up in this situation. You keep on talking to them.
And to answer your question about should husband feel guilty? Short answer: NO, nor should you.
2007-02-26 02:47:53 · answer #10 · answered by istitch2 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋