Should I step in?

Question

My mil keeps spoiling my step-son. We tell him no snacks, no movies, no sleeping in the living room etc. and she steps in and gives him what ever he wants, saying I'm Grandma I can do that. Well my husband sits and does nothing saying she's my mom I can't do anything because it will upset her. She's told him before that he was a bad father because he sent his son to bed because he wouldn't eat dinner. and than caved in after she said he was a bad father, and let him come back out of his room. I am prego and I won't let her get away with that stuff with my child, how do I make sure that there isn't 2 sets of rules with the children? I have tried and tired to talk to him about this and he gets better for a day and goes back to his old ways. (his mom babysits 2 or 3 times a week.

She is my mother-in-law not my mother. My mother listens to me quite well and respect my decisions.

Answer 1

you know honestly, it is a control thing with your mother. she thinks because she has access to your kids 2-3 times for i don't know how long that she is helping you raise them. in helping you raise them she feels they are somewhat her own. which explains the "i can do that" excuses she makes for not following your parenting style. you really need to set down the rules, write them down, post them up and follow them. everyone involved in seeing after your children must abide by the rules and punishment. your mother needs to understand that flexibility in this arraingment is not accepted. your son needs a consistent level of discipline.
my father does the same thing. i told him that i wont take my children over to his house if he is going to let them get away with everything and throw all rules out the window. so he stopped. try the same with your mother, if you can get another sitter do that and make her understand her willingness to cooperate will make life easier for everyone involved. if she continues to give in, as your husband does, your son will walk over them and play y'all against eachother. i know this from personal experience. good luck to you, i hope it helps.

Answer 2

If you need her to continue babysitting 2-3 times a week, you need to tread lightly but I would certainly address the issues you have. First, decide which indulgences you can live with and which you feel are truly damaging your stepson. For example, is it really a big deal if the kid sleeps in the living room as long as he gets a good night sleep? Are the movies either inappropriate for his age or occupying too much of his time? Are the snacks ruining his teeth and spoiling his dinner? If not, maybe you should just let it go. Personally I don't think 2 sets of rules are a big deal as long as your basic values are the same, especially if the child is over the age of 5 and can understand what's expected of him at each household. If you really feel she's doing him harm, however, I'd try to "pass the buck" to either a teacher, the pediatrician or the dentist. You might say "Billy's teacher said she can tell by his behavior in school that he watches too much TV so we really have to limit it" Or "Billy had 2 cavities at his dentist appointment. We really need to cut out the extra snacks" This way, even if you're lying, it will take the blame and accusation away from you. Also, is the boy's mother around? If so, keep in mind that your stepson may have to adjust to 3 sets of rules, the third being the time spent with his mom. That can be hard on a kid who might already be suffering after the breakup of his parents. I'm not suggesting it's ok to give in to his every wish, however, I do understand your husbands inclination to disregard the smaller issues. He might feel he's competing with his ex for his son's affection and being lenient with rules gives him an advantage.

Also, don't overlook the importance of cultivating a good relationship between you and your stepson. He may resent you for taking away his privilages and that tension may cause him to feel insecure in his own home which is the last thing you want. It sounds like your marriage has already been affected by the struggle as well. Adding a new baby to the mix will surely increase that stress. Maybe you should try to compromise a bit more for the sake of a happy household.

Sorry this was so long winded! I hope it helps you. I'm 35 and have a terribe relationship with my stepmother who married my father when I was 10 years old. She was very strict which was the opposite of my late mother and I fought her on everything. She's a good person but was a poor candidate to marry someone with kids. She lacked parenting experience which may be your problem too. With kids in general, you have to pick your battles. Fight hard for the important stuff and let the rest go.

Answer 3

If I got free babysitting, I would be more than happy to let my kids sleep in the living room, no one in our family will babysit (they're a bunch of selfish....oh wait, that's a different Y! Question).

Kids are smart, you can say "These are grandma's rules, these are our rules." You don't say how old the child is, or why there are so many strict rules (why no movies? Why no snacks?) Why would you punish a kid for not eating, are you trying to create an eating disorder? Maybe he wasn't hungry right then, he was hungry earlier when you told him he couldn't eat.

You should talk with your MIL nicely, rather than expecting dh to do it. Men don't care about that crap usually, and maybe he doesn't see the point of all that stuff, he's just doing it to please you. I wish you the best on this, it seems the number one parenting problem anymore is mixed families.

Answer 4

Hello there, What an awkward situation, I really feel for you, but it looks like you need to step in and nip this in the bud before it spreads to your new addition. Have a friendly word with her over a cup of tea without anyone else around get to the subject gently asking her how proud she is of her grandson and go through a few of his great qualities, then comment saying how awful it would be if the child grew up to be selfish, lazy, uncontrollable and whatever else you can think of that would be a possible outcome for such a spoiled child. Then give her a scenario to think about, tell her you once knew someone who gave in to their child's every whim and tell her how horrible the child has grown up to be, tell her something like, "the grown up spoiled child no longer even acknowledges the parents/grandparents that spoiled him in the first place," and "he hasn't been able to get a job because he was too lazy to go to school" I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from, then i think you will be able to make up your mind as to whether you should tell her the reason why you are telling her all that or just to leave it at that and change the subject accordingly, leaving her to think about it. Hope that helps sweetheart and good luck with the new addition.

Answer 5

Well it will not matter how many times you tell her.. if she is babysitting you will not have any say in the matter. She'll do whatever she wants.. and she is your mother.. how were you raised? And did your Gram do things "Against the rules". I bet she did. I think she is doing a wonderful job with a step child.. most people treat them much differently. Why so strict on the child? Trust me when your child is born you will treat them both differently, no matter how hard you try not too. It happens all the time and most parents do not realize they are even doing it. Seen it happen up close and personal. This is something that your husband can address to your mother if it is bothering him. If he is not going to open up to her.. then you need to stand by him. Kids need to be kids and it looks like Grandma knows this more than you. I am sorry. If you want things to change.. you will need to find another babysitter, like a daycare center where they do not have alot of TV time and only one snack time and where they nap on the floor. Good luck.

Answer 6

Of course you should step in. You're the mom, aren't you?

It'll be hard because your husband is useless. So talk to your MIL and tell her what's bothering you. If you think she won't listen, or that it'll bring up more trouble for everyone, don't let her babysit. Let him to go daycare or take him out just so that your MIL doesn't have the chance to be with your son.

I know your situation is difficult but you have to do something. Your MIL is spoiling your step-son and to him, you'll end up being the bad guy, even if your intentions are noble. He won't understand because he's a child. All he knows is that he's not getting what he wants from you, so he'll get it from grandma. Sooner or later, he won't want to be with you, hate you even, and he'll always look for grandma. Or, if none of this works, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

Goodluck!

Answer 7

Sense your husband want put his foot down you are going to have to. Make the rules and put them on the wall and tell all adults when child is not around that these rules will be followed. If you cannot do this when asked, then you will be embarrassed in front of your grand child and treated as a child yourself. Being a grandmother does not give her the right to re write your rules and this will confuse the child.

You must put your foot down and you must be consistent. If your husband is told that he is a bad parent and the child is aloud out of the room, you put the child right back in the room and tell her she is the bad parent but not in front of the child. Tell her nicely. Ask her if she liked it when her parents stepped in and told her she was doing the wrong things. Also tell her that if she does intend to help everyone needs to be on the same page your page. Everyone gives the same discipline, and you will install a nanny came if you have to to make sure she is not undermining you when you leave. All this can be done in a nice manner. It is tough love but you are going to have an aggressive child on your hands if she keeps undermining your authority. You will hurt her feelings, there is no doubt about that, but you have to lay the rules down to help both your children.

Answer 8

This is tough, I know from personal experience. My mother-in-law is 70-years-old and wants to watch my son. Her memory is fading and forgets things that I've told her not to do (i.e. no junk food, sodas). She also thought it was safe for a 18-month-old to play with marbles. On top of that, she's old-fashioned, so she has a wood heater that is extremely hot on the outside. What's to keep him from touching it? No one and nothing. And worse yet, my father-in-law is also losing his memory. He tries to give my son whole peppermints to suck on, which I know he could choke on easily. I asked him not to give him any, and the next thing I knew, he was sticking another one in his mouth! My mother-in-law saw nothing wrong with it. So I had to set my foot down and tell her that I know she loves him, but that I couldn't have her watch him anymore. I will visit twice a week and she's welcome to walk over to my house and visit (she lives next door, lucky me!). I have to look out for my son and this baby girl that's due to arrive any day now. Since you are the stepmother, you need to sit your husband down and tell him how it is going to be. You are only doing this for the well-being of your stepson and your unborn baby. You love them and want them to be raised right. You can't let your mother-in-law manipulate your husband that way. That is awful. Anyhow, if that doesn't work, then YOU need to step in. Tell her that if she can't follow the rules you've set down, then you will be forced to find another babysitter. However, you'd really love it if she'd go by your rules because every child needs their grandparents in their lives. Try not to be rude, but direct. Good luck!

Answer 9

Try I will respect your right to occasionally spoil your grandchildren if you respect our right to parent our children the way we see fit. I know where youre coming from as I live with my mother in law, she has a debilitating illness, and she frequently butts in when we are trying to talk to our child and is constantly offering food etc that we dont approve of or dont want her to have at that time. She is learning to respect my limits though, although it has taken me threatening to leave, she would have to go into a nursing home as she cant look after herself any more.

Answer 10

You need to sit down with your husband and talk to him explain to him how you feel. Both of y'all need to set rules write them down and post them where they will be seen. Once you have your rules, you need to talk to your mil, let her know those are the rules and they need to be follow. You might want to find another babysitter, so you mil in not with her grandson all the time and make her feel that her ways is better.