mother in law problems: how is it meant to be?

Question

my mother in law is 73 and an extremely bitter woman. she finds it difficult to find joy in others happiness and as a result is consistently rude, hurtful and judgemental to everyone in her family....... this family now includes me. None of her children look forward to seeing her because and all of them are too scared or feel too sorry for her to say anything. Her husband died 10 years ago and since then she has basically been given permission to talk to people however she wishes to because no one wants to upset her. yesturday i said something after she decided to yell at me for something quite trivial. i told her that i thought her tone and the words she chooses to use to speak to me are often rude and hurtful. this did not go well.

what role am i meant to take as a daughter in law? is it selfish to bring up her rudeness? should i just shut up and take it?

just wanted to say a big thank you to each of you. I decided to put it to a vote (something i dont usually do) because I found some truth and comfort in each of your comments. Maybe a carefully balanced mixture of knowing when to just take it on the chin and knowing when to have the self respect to stand up for myself is needed. thank you all again.

Answer 1

"Well mother (in-law), you can be a cranky, old puss if you want to be, but you raised the wonderful man that I married so I still love you anyway!!!" Insert hug here if you can get near her.
That could knock her socks off and if it doesn't... you have taken the high road. Don't be afraid of her... kill her with kindness (figuratively). You know what she says ISN'T true!

Answer 2

Oh, my, this takes me back....
I had a similar circumstance with my mother in law. Ouch! It can really cut to the core! I started out taking it, trying to tell myself not to take it personally, etc. That didn't work. I resented her and always felt worse after seeing her or talking to her than I did before.
Once, about two years into my marraige, she did something HIGHLY offensive in my home. Bad mouthing and spreading gossip about someone in my family while attending a birthday party for one of my children in my home. I was ANGRY! I realized then that if I had a choice, stand up to her or put up with this and many other hurtful behaviors for the rest of my life.
I called her the day after the incident (gave myself some time to calm down and think things through) and told her that I was very offended by what she did and said. She said she didn't feel she had done anything wrong. I told her that I felt it was highly offensive and if she felt she HAD to make comments or spread gossip about my family members, she could have the respect and common courtesy to do it outside MY home. I stayed calm, did not yell or scream, no name calling or swearing, but stayed VERY FIRM that in my home, that was unacceptable. I was so scared and worried and hurt that I was shaking!
It was a turning point. She was made aware that I was willing to stand up for what I believed in and would not accept someone offending me in my own home. I won't say it has been "perfect" since, there have been times she has been careless with her words since, but things have been MUCH better. The thing I learned is that if you are willing to respectfully BUT FIRMLY stand up for yourself to the "bully" once, you rarely have to do it again. They don't want to mess with someone who will "call them on it".
I later heard through her best friend that my mother in law told her about the incident and said that was the day she realized I deserved respect. Kinda weird, doesn't every human being deserve common courtesy and respect? But I am thankful I stood up for myself and that I have rarely had to do it since. Now, even when there is an issue it is quickly and quietly resolved.
It sounds as if you do not have children yet, get this resolved before she treats your children this way! If she does treat your children badly, protect them from being in their presence. Being a biological grandmother does not give you license to treat a child poorly. Kids don't understand Grandma's issues and will take to heart her painful comments.
PS the reason she continues to act this way is because those she loves don't tell her it is unacceptable. You cannot control them, but you can be firm about what you will tolerate yourself.

Answer 3

I guess you have heard the saying: "You reap what you sow"? Well, if Mother-Out-Law decides to plant bitterness, she will be very alone in the end. I had an "out-law" like that and I told her that if she continued to be nasty to me, we would stop coming to see her. She thought I was bluffing and learned the hard way. Eventually she apologized to me, so she could see her grandkids. We never got along well, but I was respected. That was enough for me.
Oh, and I called her an "Out-Law" until she changed her tune. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect. You married her son, not her, and you owe her nothing if she gives you problems.

Answer 4

I avoid all contact with my mother in law! I avoid her like the plague! Good for you for standing up to her! Regardless of how it went over I can pretty much guarantee you she was thinking about it after you left! It may get better, it may not. You do have to keep in mind however that she is 73 and it will be hard to change her at this point!

Hope it gets much better soon!

Answer 5

i'm having a similar hassle. My son replace into an in basic terms newborn and his determine divorced whilst he replace into small. My MIL remarried whilst he replace into 9 and have been given a 14 365 days previous step daughter out of it. So our son is the 1st organic and organic grandchild for his mom. She's continuously evaluating our son to my husband (who replace into an angel newborn in her eyes who ought to do no incorrect). you will swear he by no skill cried as a newborn and particular replaced his own diapers. So every time my son gets fussy (because of the fact she stands 4 inches from his face and makes intense pitched noises) she makes me experience terrible that he does it. And if he gets extremely mad, he turns magnificent pink and she or he makes a super deal out of it and tell anybody that he does it. and that i'm getting, "properly Christopher by no skill did such and such." "i don't keep in mind Christopher doing this or that." "Christopher by no skill did that." My husband and that i joke approximately it. you in basic terms could take it with a grain of salt and comprehend she skill properly. She's in basic terms passing on her suggestion, be it good or undesirable. on the tip of the day, you are the mummy and you will make the call on the thank you to advance your newborn. Oh, or maybe however my MIL treats my husband like he continues to be a newborn, he's a guy approximately it and would not have a topic letting her comprehend.

Answer 6

this is certainly a mixed bag of advise here.....

my MIL met me before we got married, she new who was joining the fam.... about 6 mos into our marriage she started to criticize something I was doing... I said, "I bet that works really well for.. but this way works for me."

After that we got along great.. I think she wanted to see if I had a backbone. the other DIL just let her push her around, and 30+ yrs later was still letting her push her around. But is Mom needed something she called me. We ended up being friends, all because I wouldn't take her crap... lol

Answer 7

My ex-mother in law was the same way. I never once said anything to her about her behavior due to respect for her as a person and as my husbands mother. That was just my approach...it wasn't a matter of me shutting up and taking it, but I knew that my talking to her wouldn't change anything. I can change the way I allow something to affect me but not another persons behavior. Good luck!

Answer 8

She is 73.. I really dought she is going to change anytime soon.. Let her be the way she is. Try and understand that about her.

I am not trying to excuse how she is. Do you have to be around her. ? If you can not take how she is I would suggest not going around her. v

That is probable the only way you will be able to deal with her, by not being around her.

Answer 9

NO ONE should have to sit and take someone disrespecting them without a reason; and being an elder or depressed is NOT going to cut it. A lot of responders are going to say...respect her, say nothing. I say thats BULL! This woman can live another 20 or so years...are you willing to turn the other cheeck for that long? I will not tolerate ANYONE disrespecting me and if your hubby doesnt see that he should step in...by all means....stand your ground.

Answer 10

geez, are you my sister-in-law? sounds like my mother-in-law! anyway, same thing, dad is gone, mother still loves to play the poor poor pitiful me card. she has always been difficult but has become more so over the years.
what we finally did was all of us showed up for a potluck dinner, without telling her we were coming. we brought everything, [paper plates, plastic flatware, napkins, condiments etc.], so when we left, there wasnt anything for her to do, or complain about.
we didn't say anything during dinner as to the reason we were there, she did her usual complaining about everything under the sun, the dress one of us wore was a bit 'shabby', the meal we brought could have been tastier, the coffee we made wasn't strong enough, the fact that one of the grandkids 'couldn't be bothered' to be there offended her, the baby was too noisy, no one came to take her for a sunday drive, that kind of thing. at the end of dinner, table cleared, we pulled out the tape recorder, and made her listen to it. after she finished screaming at us for 'tricking' her into saying all that stuff we said our piece.
we then told her how we felt about the way she is, how she has hurt everyone and we weren't willing to put up with it any longer. we told her dad had been dead for seven years and she needed to stop using his death as an excuse to be so mean. we also told her we felt part of it was our fault for letting her away with it for so long and that as of now we were no longer going to put up with it.
we explained to her when any one of us visit, we do not want to hear b-itching about the others,
we do not want to hear a litany of complaints about past grievances.
if she has a valid complaint we will listen and help her take care of whatever the issue is.
we told her that we do indeed love her, but she is making it difficult to like her.
we told her her tone, her manners, the way she worded things was just plain rude and miserable.
we explained to her that she is the reason her grandchildren won't visit unless forced by us to do so.
we explained to her that she is the reason we don't visit as often, no one else is to blame, not our spouses, not us, not the children, just her!
it was quite a shock to her and she threw us all out! even at 68 she can wield a mean wooden spoon!
now, i would love to say it changed her completely, but it didnt.
what it did do was show her we were no longer willing to put up with any of it.
it took her ten days, but she did finally phone each of us and grudgingly invite us for dinner last sunday! we all attended. including grandchildren. no one was allowed to opt out for any reason.
it wasn't the way it should be, but it was a lot better visit than we have had in a few years. so we are hopeful that she will continue to make changes and become a little kinder!
you were right to speak up. and i hope your tale comes out with as good as, or much better, results than ours!
good luck and good for you for standing up and speaking out!
cheers