Good Morning ... Humor Me ...?

Question

Tell me a joke.

Answer 1

This isn't exactly a joke but I think it's a cute poem.

SUZY LEE
Pappy’S gal Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Suzy Gal”
You’ll have to find another.
I’d just as soon yo ma don’t know,
But Joe is yo half brother.

So Suzie forgot about her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this
He said “there’s trouble still”.

You can’t marry Will, my gal,
and please don’t tell yo mother,
Cause Will and Joe and several mo
I know is yo half brother.

But Mama knew and said,
“Honey chile, do what makes yo happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
You ain’t no kin to pappy!”

Good Morning to you. I'm just getting around to going to bed. I been working all night on my g grandchildren's pictures. Have a nice day.

Answer 2

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it, " says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and
shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT ******* GOING!"

Answer 3

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half and shove it up your ***!"

Answer 4

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunneland the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have
slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack Clinton again."

Answer 5

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'

Answer 6

The Three Stars

One day avant-garde violinist Malcolm Goldstein, US Ambassador to Spain Eduardo Aguirre, and television's Tony Danza were on a jungle vacation together when they were caught by a tribal group.
Before they were about to be executed, they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three men looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Malcolm Goldstein was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. The Queen tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of the grapes up Malcolm Goldstein's ***. The servants did their duty, and left Malcolm Goldstein lying on theground screaming.

Eduardo Aguirre was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but curiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ***. Malcolm Goldstein was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his *** howling in pain, but Eduardo Aguirre had several apples in his *** and he was laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing about?''

A laughing Eduardo Aguirre replied ''Tony Danza's coming back with a watermelon.'''

Answer 7

A man is driving on the highway when his wife calls him on his cell phone. "Honey, be carful. I heard on the news that there is a car on the road driving the wrong way." To this the man replied, "One? Theres millions of 'em!"

Answer 8

Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were discussing the infidelity of their wives. "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician", said Paddy Englishman, "because I found an electrician toolbox under her bed last night." "I think my wife is having an affair with a plumber", said Paddy Scotsman, "because last night I found a plunger under her bed". "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse", said Paddy Irishman, "because last night I found a jockey under her bed."

Answer 9

The capital city of Thailand is Bangkok. What is the meaning of that city, Bangkok?

It is the place where you can 'bang' your 'co*k'!

Answer 10

okay here goes;

Q:
what's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A:
a prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.