What is the funniest long joke you know?

Question

You know those really long jokes, where you're pretty much telling a long story that takes ages leading up to, usually, a pun? That pun is generally only funny because of the story that goes with it. Well, what is the best one of those that you have ever heard?

The only requirement is that it has to be clean! And if you can't think of a long story-joke, well, a good short one will do :)

Give us all a laugh!

Answer 1

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Answer 2

try this one:

a man was passing a lonely lane.
a policeman came to him and showed him a picture of a criminal.he asked the man if the man had seen the criminal.the man told that he didn't.the policeman told him he was telling a lie and had hidden the criminal.the man said that he hadn't.the policeman didn't believe it and asked the man to come with him to the prison.the man said,
"you go straight from here.you will find 5 lanes.you leave the first,the second,the third and the fourth lane and enter the fifth lane.there you will find 5 houses.you leave the first,the second,the third and the fourth house and enter the fifth house.
there you will find 5 rooms.you leave the first,the second,the third and the fourth room and enter the fifth room.there you will find 5 cupboards.you leave the first,the second,the third and the fourth cupboard and open the fifth cupboard.there you will find 5 safes.
you leave the first,the second,the third and the fourth safe and open the fifth safe.there you will find 5 polythenes.you leave the first,the second,the third and the fourth polythene and open the fifth polythene.there you will find a picture.the picture is of my mother.i swear my mother i haven't seen the thief.

Answer 3

This one's not really long. But anyways.
A woman is practicing golf all by herself and then she hits the golf ball straight into a forest adjacent to the field.
She goes into the forest to get it back. She finds the ball but where the ball is lying, also lies a frog trapped in a net. The frog says, 'Please help me get outta here.'
So the woman lifts the net and throws it somewhere.
The grateful frog goes, 'thanks. As a token of my gratitude, I grant you 3 wishes but on the condition that your husband gets ten times of what you ask for.'
Woman : OK. My first wish - I wanna be the most beautiful woman in the universe.
Frog: Your husband will be the most handsome person in the universe. Many woman will flock around him.
Woman : That's OK, 'cause I'll be the most beautiful woman and his eyes will only be on me.
Frog : Granted.
The woman suddenly becomes very beautiful.
Woman : OK. My second wish is to be the richest person in the universe.
Frog: Your hubby will be ten times richer than you.
Woman : That's OK. What's mine is his and what's his is mine.
So the frog grants this wish.
Woman : OK My third wish is, I should get a mild heart attack.
So the woman did. She got treated.
As for her husband...


He got a heart attack ten times milder than hers.

Answer 4

Not long ago, a Texas Millionaire dies and goes to heaven. Once there, an Angel askes him if he'd like a tour. He agrees, and they began to tour heaven.

The angel asks, "What do you think of these trees?"

He replies, "They're nice, but it doesn't beat East Texas Piney wood thicket!"

And, this began a long tour, with the angel asking "What about....",
and there was always the same reply from the Texan, "Can't beat what's in Texas!"

Finally, the frustrated angel shows the Millionaire the edge of heaven, points down twards Hell, and asks him, "Well, what do you think of that?"

The Millionaire pondered the view, and replied....."That's a pretty big fire; But, I know a fellow in Houston that could put it out!!!!!!"

Answer 5

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

2. A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.
'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'

Answer 6

An engineer dies and goes to heaven, St. Peter tells him his name's not on the list and sends him to hell.

Soon he becomes dissatisfied with the conditions in hell and starts working to change them.

A little while later God and the devil are talking and the devil tells God about all the air conditioning and water cooling systems installed in hell.

God inquires as to how the devil managed to make hell so much more comfortable and he says "we have this engineer."

God says "WHAT! Where did you get an engineer? He's not supposed to be down there! If you don't send him back right away I'll sue."

The devil replies "And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Answer 7

A Woman takes a lover home during the day while her
husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts Her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are In the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"

Boy: "$750"

Man: "Sold."

A few days later, the father says to! the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of
catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and
my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy: "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your
friends like that .. that is way more than those two
things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make
you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little
boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again, you're
in my closet now."

Answer 8

The accident report
Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust the following detail will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh only 155 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.

Answer 9

The American Red Cross are running out of blood donors, so they substitute chicken blood, in their research they find out ,the men are cocky, and the women are easy lay...

Answer 10

the woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"