How do I explain my depression to my husband?

Question

My husband is a good man; I love him to death (& visa versa). I'm disabled w/several syndromes & it took him time as we were dating to "understand" them (ex: my chronic pain & that it was *chronic* and okay to feel helpless about it). He wants me to be happy & does everything he can to make me happy. But, I've fought depression most of my life; now that it's been rearing its ugly head again, he doesn't understand why I sometimes feel sad & lonely & he takes my withdrawal personally. Best I could do was say it's like being in a dark room w/ no door or windows & being handed the only lamp available to light my way out & being told to put it together including the bulb. He misunderstood it as "it's too hard, so you just give up?" He's right when he said I helped him to understand my disabilities. This just happens to be 1 of them too at times. So how do I explain this w/out hurting him or our marriage?

Answer 1

I have been battling depression and Fybromyalgia for approx. 15 years. My doctor explained my depression to me in the following way ...

When a person is in chronic pain, for years on end ... the neuro-transmitters in the brain (the ones that are responsible for sending 'happy' signals) stop working as they should. This results in low serotonin levels. The reason for this is still unknown. When this happens you become clinically depressed.

Once you are in the midst of a clinical depression, nothing will elevate your symptoms ... other than medication. Therapy helps, to a certain extent ... but, will not cure your depression. Once you're on medication, it takes approx. 6-8 weeks before you notice an improvement in your emotions. This is due to your serotonin levels beginning to rise back to an appropriate level.

Sadly, many family members think that they are somehow to blame for your depression ... when nothing could be further from the truth. In explaining exactly how clinical depression works, it does help them understand .... that this type of depression is not caused by outside factors, but rather, by a malfunction in the brain. Once they know they, in fact, are not at fault ... they can focus on helping you get better.

I hope this helps you. If you feel the need to talk to someone, please ... drop me a line. Take care ... :)

Answer 2

The day you get a surefire answer to that, let me know. My marriage is pretty much over, in large part because of this. However, my husband's just plain *unwilling* to listen. If yours is, then a good start would be depression forums - someone else will always find a better way to explain it than you can. It will also probably strike a chord with him to read posts from partners of people with depression. He'll never truly understand unless he goes through it himself, and let's hope he doesn't. But I'd say other peoples stories are as good as it'll get when it comes to making him get a vague idea.

P.S. Thank you for posting the ONLY sensible answer to my question.

Answer 3

it is impossible to make him realize what depression is like. i too have chronic pain, and depression, i lost by boyfriend because of it. but from the way you talk about your husband i do not believe he will leave you there to suffer on your own. he loves you and you love him, so i am almost positive that he will be there for you through anything and everything. but, if you feel an overwhelming need for him to know, go see a therapist and take him with you. the doctor can explain it much better than you can. but please let me stress this to you, he will NOT understand unless he experiences it, however he can be there for you and support you through the tough times. i wish you luck and hope things improve for you and your hubby. take care.

Answer 4

I explained it to my husband like this,, "like being locked in a basement in the dark when a child.. scared want to sleep a lot.. unable to explain feelings of helplessness, try really hard to escape but cant get the door open. You can hear the outside world but it does not enter your world. Pain and disabilities seem magnified when depressed.

Answer 5

Wow, there is no easy answer here. What is important is that you let your husband know that there are times when you will act in ways that may be totally incomprehensible to a "normal" person; make sure he knows that some of your crying, yelling, sleeping, etc., is not because of him but because of your condition. Also realize that "letting him know" is not the end all and be all: Simply knowing that your partner is depressed doesn't make it easier to live with, although it may make it easier to understand.

Most importantly, however, is that you deal with your problem on a fundamental level. This doesn't mean just taking drugs or counseling (No, I'm not suggesting Scientology), but it does mean getting a hold of yourself and facing what you are. How you do that is up to you.

Next, when you can (depending on how you feel), give the guy some leeway. That means bitching less, worrying less, and letting him deal with the stress of being with you as he see fits (of course, I'm not suggesting you put up with abuse or what not; but do realize that people who live with seriously depressed partners often themselves deal with the pain in weird ways).

Answer 6

LET YOU DOCTOR/THERAPIST EXPLAIN IT TO HIM...
AS YOU KNOW--WHEN A PERSON HAS NOT EXPERIENCED
WHAT YOU HAVE--THEY CAN'T RELATE TO IT...
YOU CAN'T TURN ON A LIGHT IN ANOTHER PERSON'S MIND.. LET A PRO DO THAT FOR YOU..
PAIN CAN'T BE DESCRIBED OR FELT...

THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE CAN'T BE FELT BY OTHERS LIKE IT DOES BY A PARTICULAR PERSON...
PERSON CAN LOSE A MOTHER AND NEVER RECOVER...
OTHER JUST BOUNCE UP AND GO ON...
SO GET HALF WAY AND DRIFT BACK AND FORTH--

LIKE IN A DRUNK STAGE THEN SOBER THEN DRUNK AND OVER AND OVER.

DEPRESSION CAN KILL AND TRULY INJURE THOSE AROUND...
DON'T TRY TO HANDLE ISSUES YOURSELF....
LET DOCTOR TAKE UP THE CAUSE..
SOMETIMES EVEN PEOPLE HAVE TO GO AND SPEND TIMES AT CARE FACILITIES TO SEE HOW OTHER PEOPLE
REALLY SUFFER..
SO FAR YOU AREN'T IN AN INSTITUTION...BUT HE MAY HAVE TO GO VISIT THESE PALCES TO FIND OUT--ITS JUST LIKE A CAR WRECK--ITS PHYSICAL-MENTAL AND SPIRITUALLY
AFFECTING YOU.

Answer 7

hullo
depression is not a disability to start with,it is a treatable illness though it can be chronic sometimes.
as far as you both are on the same tune,you should talk to him about your suffering in an open heart and i think he will be understandable as far as he loves and cares about you.
a couple therapy might be useful .

Dr solo

Answer 8

Sometimes it helps to talk out your feelings. He sounds very understanding. I have had depression myself and its not pleasant to go through. especially for long periods of time. Sometimes if you speak with your doctor he can prescribe meds to help out through these phases. And counseling also helps alot.

Answer 9

please read the book "Feeling good" a new way of mood therapy.it will help you to improve your mood as well as the way you should explain it to your husband