My 14 yr old daughter has been throwing and breaking things when she doesnt get what she wants.?

Question

My husband and her have terrible tempers and are too proud to make up so I am in the middle of it and dont know what to do anymore.My 11 year old just wants peace in the house, as do we all.She has no priveleges left to take away.She has changed schools 4 times in 2 years because the kids are mean and she hates the teachers.She has stopped calling us the disgusting names but still tells us to f off when she is mad and gives us the finger.She tells everyone that we are abusing herbut she has hit bit and pulled our hair during many tantrums over the computer being turned off.
She has had psychologists and a psychiatrist perscibed drugs for her which didnt help her in all of our opinion. She lives with her grandparents during the week for school but lately when she comes home for the weekends she doesnt want to go back to school again and has started acting hostile again to us.Grand parents say that she is great at their house , but seems lonely.
Do I let her have a computer over there

Answer 1

ok i am a 13 year old guy and when i was like 11 i had a temper and i would throw stuff at ppl so i simply got ingnored and lost most of my friends but here is how i got over it i simply realized that my temper would get me in trouble and lose my friends so i would try to shut up for a while or as my mom taught me while i was really really angery count too ten and don't talk to anyone while ur doing it and if someone trys to talk to you while ur counting just ignore them and go into a place where it's only you in your head then relax and come back sometimes i have learned personally too count to at least 15 and relax a little more and then try to think of something to help me but here is a tip for you when she is made try to talk to her calmly my sister is like how i was and all but eventully she'll pass through it also tell her some ways to get her head out of things because when my parent got divorced i didn't want to even look at them but i got over that too soo if there has been something in her life that has caused this then there may be a way to simply tell her that things can change and that if things are making her truthfully miserable then she is not gonna get anywhere with anyone by the way about school people may be mean to her because of her temper most kids at school will try to use a temper to their advantage and then sense you said she is living at her grandparents over the school days and she is lonely well she is probably lonely because not many kids want to be her friend if she has a temper but then again living at more then one house can get you a little angery and pissed so she should probably live either with you or at her grandparents house all the time but have time where you visit her and all then ask her even if she gets you mad if you are making her life miserable because then you can find out how to change for her or tell her ways to deal with how you are then ask whats bothering her because i know from experince that she could be pretty easy going after a good talk i am now i never really care what other ppl think also you might want to try a method like keeping a pad of paper on the fridge so she can right down things that bother her and you can maybe fix these things somehow or help her in times when she is in a bad mood plus she may need friend when i started getting good friends then i realized the temper was more a problem then an advantage to control tho i may still be able to use that temper i choose not too i mean like if she has adhd then i don't know what but taking things away won't work it just pisses her off more most likely but if she hangs out with the right knid of people then she won't get mad even if she complains she might not get super duper crazy mad o and about letting her have a computer at her grandparents yea you should and maybe you should both have aim or some form of messaging system so you can keep in touch online and by phone trust me it helps by the way she will always hate teachers thats something you have to live with i hate my teachers but who knows and all but don't judge her because thats one thing that commonly gets a temper set off like i know a lot of other ppl who skate do drugs and all but i am not one of them tempers can also be commonly just something that they have gotten from others like maybe your husband had a temper before she did and it affected her so maybe try to get ur husbands temper problem gone first that would be your choice
so if you need more help send me an e-mail at [e-mail]



hope my advice helped

Answer 2

Okay your are right on some points but really you should never make a fuss over how much a child eats or what the pant size is .So she is a size 14 maybe she comforts herself with food.Pick your battles though because when it comes to weight and food its best not to be putting an 11 year old on a diet.They are really hungry and they grow really fast so eating a man sized plate sounds totally normal.Its eating seconds and thirds I would worry about.See kids are sensitive if you restrict her food she will steal food.As a way of getting back at you and also as a way of filling up her growing body.She is used to eating good sized portions now by restricting her portions your saying basically your too big and we dont approve.Size 14 is not big if she keeps growing taller.I was a size 14 at 12 and I was 5 ft 9 by 14.Everybody said I was very well porportioned.So she has boobs? She is supposed to have boobs she needs to learn to respect herself and have modesty.If I was your her I would be very unhappy though because really how do you know she is getting enough to eat for her body.She may eat alot compared to your other kids but she is probly feeling genuinely hungry not trying to be a pig or anything.The saddest thing though is how you sound.Either your at wits end or you do not have love for this child and thats so sad.I really do think that size and weight mean alot to you.It is important to watch your weight but its not a battle that you can win.She feels hungry whether you feel she should be or not.She may of stretched out her stomach in the past and now it takes alot to fill.You cannot win.Just encourage healthy choices and let her have a big plate.That does not mean to turn your kitchen into an all you can eat buffet .Just give her a big plate.She will be happier and in the end so will you.

Answer 3

You say her AND your husband have bad tempers - does he break things and throw things? Well, if he does, she has learned the example that he has set of what is acceptable behavior - if he doesnt have to act like a civilized person, why should she? If you let her chance schools all the time because she doesnt like them, that doesnt teach her any coping skills at all - all it has shown her is that if she yells loud enough for long enough, she will get her way. How long was she on medication? How long was she in counseling? So many times people dont spend enough time on/in either one to do any good. These problems dont happen overnight and wont be corrected overnight or with a magic pill. She's great at the grandparents house? What do they do different? Has to be something. You sent her to her grandparents house 5 days out of a week - you dont think she might be a bit mad over feeling abandoned? Was this a sudden change from usual behavior? If so, something happened that shes not telling you. If this has been her behavior all along, its what she learned from someone.

Forgive me, this question hits a little close to home - one thing I would like to offer, when I was 15 and told my parents how much people hated me, all I wanted to hear was that my parents didnt hate me. They never did. They just yelled at me about not getting in trouble. Guess what? When you are 15 yrs old, shipping you to grandmas house just proves to you that your parents dont love you because they had rather just hand you off to someone else than try to care about you.

Answer 4

For starters if you give her a computer for your parents house you are therefore making a statement that her actions and behaviour is legitimate and acceptable. Why should she deserve to have a computer at her grandparents when she quite obviously cannot deal with having one at her own home? Maybe you can compromise with her and tell her once she learns to start acting more "mature" or more her "age" and doesn’t throw tantrums when the computer is turned off, she may be able to prove to you to get her another computer to take to her grandparents. This could work as an incentive to her. If yo give in to her then you will start back at square one all over again and then you will have to instil the right moral sand values back into her every time. I know it may seem tiresome but you need to be persistent in order to see results.
With her physiatrist, so you actually sit in the sessions or is she alone in there? If you are sitting with her, maybe she feels as though she has no privacy. It may be possible she isn’t opening up fully and therefore the results may not be as obvious. If you are giving her privacy, maybe you need to talk to her psychiatrist in depth and find out in their professional opinion what the core of this problem could be. Do you think it’s worthwhile for the three of you (you, your husband and daughter) to have family counselling? I only suggest this because you daughter isn’t the only one that’s troubled here, you and your husband are also going through a troublesome experience aswell and maybe you all need that little it of help to change. You may find out things that you do which irritates her or sets off her tantrums. Even thought no matter what you say or do should not ignite a reaction from her such as the ones you described, you might be made aware of certain situations and circumstances that next time you may be able to avoid.
Talk to her teachers, talk to her friends. Find out as much as you can from outside sources because if nothing has happened at home then something has obviously happened outside the family circle. I just don’t see that she would be violent in this way for any other reason. She may have been exposed to it in some way and has adopted this before because she sees the results. Whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE IN. You and your husband run you family and your household, not your daughter. The more leeway you give her, the worse it’s going to get for you both as she gets older. In regards to her schooling. Do not take her out of any more schools. She cannot command this from you. Obviously if she has been in four schools and keeps using the excuse that the kids are mean and the teachers are horrible then this may not be entirely true. Perhaps she is getting discipline from these teachers and she doesn’t like it or care to abide by it? Maybe this is the reason why she perceives the teachers and mean? Keep her in her current school and let her stick it out. After all, you need to teach and prepare her for later in life. As an employee she wont be able to quit and find a new job if she doesn’t like her boss or her co-workers will she? You need to remember the bigger picture and strive towards this instead of keeping her happy in hopes she will change or calm down. You are not helping her by doing this. It may be worthwhile to see a naturopath or a homeopath for a natural remedy for your daughter’s problem. She may not be reacting to the drugs for reasons. Try a natural approach. Although you may not believe this for some people it can really make a difference.

All I can say is good luck and im sure she is wonderful is so many ways. Keep reminding yourself of these during the hard times. You know she can be great, your parents have confirmed this so just hangon to that hope. I wish you luck!

Answer 5

I'm feel certain that this behaviour didn't start at 14. If it's true "that she is great at her grandparent's house", maybe you should take a good look at your behaviour. Are you giving her the attention that a 14 year old girl needs, or does she only get attention when she miss behaves. I don't believe in in punishment. I prefer to use positive reinforcement.
Sit down with your daughter and reassure her that you want to make amends and work things out. Tell her that you love her and that you are willing to remove all the restrictions and that you want to start over and try to make things work between you.
Try a different approach ie. "positive reinforcement". It's seems to me that you have been focusing on her bad behaviour rather than her good points. Focus on her good behaviour and praise her every time she does something that pleases you. Remember, "You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar." Your child has been learning all this bad behaviour for 14 years and it's going to take a while for her to unlearn the bad behaviour and learn good behaviour. It's not going to happen overnight. You have to be patient with her and reassure her that you love her. Good luck. I hope it's not too late to fix your relationship with your daughter.

Answer 6

A computer at Grandma's? Where did that come from?
So, you don't want her to come home. Why else would you give her a mechanical companion so that she doesn't need her family?
I think that you and your husband need the counseling, but primarily you. I can't see any stability or sense of leadership in what you wrote. She is crying out for help and you are letting her push you and the family around and then shipping her off to Grandma's 5 days a week.
I don't mean to sound harsh, but you have a kid who needs you and you are letting her down. And the other kid, too. Get some help for yourself and then be there for your daughter.

Answer 7

this is TOTALLY jumping the gun here, but I knew a 12 year old that behaved in a similar fashion. Many people here are going to tell you dicipline is what she's lacking, and they may be right, I don't know. The 12 year old I knew came from a very diciplined home though.....he was finally diagnosed bi-polar. He had some very manic times where he just could not stop talking at all, he seemed hyper active. Then, at times he didn't get his way, he'd kick holes in the walls and doors. If, by chance, bi-polar is the cause, it's the manic energy that's causing the tantrums. There's no outlet for it, and she releases it by hurting people, and tearing things up. It's no excuse, but it's possible that's what's going on. I would suggest a trip to another doctor?

Answer 8

wow, you seem to have a real problem. Well first of all dicipline her and when I say dicipline I mean give her a taste of her own blood (technically not blood just show what she really is) If she acts that Bit**** than she needs to be hard core diciplined but not so much that the kids at her school will actually believe that you abuse her. For me being 20 I kind of understand because most young girls start getting really crazy. I was like that but then I realized that it just isn't right. Does she never have friends? Maybe that is one reason. Try to figure out why she is acting like that, that is a huge step forward to why she is acting like that. Sorry for saying Bit**** by the way. So first try to figure out what was the start, treat it and over time she will mature and get better.

Answer 9

In most cases kids act out cause they do not know who to talk or tell anyone how they feel. I think deep down your daughter does not like not being home and the only way she can express herself if to act out when she is home. Confussing yes, but that is the way it is most of the time.

When it really comes down to it your daughter is learning or has learned this from her father. you say he has a temper and so does she, well there you have it. She is getting it from him..

The first thing you need to do is STOP changing schools. I know for her that really suck but she needs to learn the she needs to figure things out and make the best of things and try and work them our or not have them happen in the first place. Not cut and run when things are crappy. What is she going to be doing for the rest of her live,? Change jobs, houses, lives, when things do not go her way or when things turn wrong.?

You do know in almost all schools, kids are mean and everyone hates their teachers. ??!!

Sometimes giving kids medication is not the best option. you have taken things away from her, try giving somethings back when she does what she needs to do.. She's 14 and can start working around the house or doing jobs outside the house. She is going to be wanting to drive soon is she not.? Talk to her about when the time come about helping her get a car,

This is NOT just her problem but EVERYONES problem. The whole family.

Start with one day driving up to her at her grandparents and ask her if she wants to go for a drive, Like 'Im bored and needed to get out of the house, want to come with me". Go for ice cream, Maybe she just wants some alone time with you or her father. Some thing little like that might do wonders. !!!

When it comes to her calling you names, when she starts, Stop talking to her right then and there. When has stoped for a second, tell her you will not talk to her if she contiunes to talk to you that way. If she does it again, STOP TALKING and look at her and say it again. After a time it will sink in and she will stop.

Answer 10

Sounds like she is just like you. Since you leave her with your parents all the time, she doesn't respect you. At 14 this is not easy to change. You need to go through some kind of firewalk with her. You have to be firm, not mean. Don't lose your temper. Let her lose her temper and let that not affect you. That will take away her power. Then you need to rebuild your relationship with her in a more nurturing way. If that works, try it on your husband.