Should I back off or keep trying to get along with my daughter-in-law?

Question

My daughter-in-law and I got along really well till she married my son. I have tried very hard to get along with her even applogizing when I felt like I had done nothing wrong. She says she cant get over the things that have happened between us. That she doesn't want to be around me. My son and daughter-in-law have an eleven month old(my granddaughter). I have invited them to my house several times but she doesn't want to come and my son want come without her. Someone told her not to let my son bring my granddaughter to see me without her. I admitt I have went about some things in the wrong way but nothing that shouldn't be forgiven. Do I stop calling and give her space, OR do I go to see my son and grandaughter even if she doesn't want me there. My son, when appoarched with the subject of not seeing him, says come to my house. They live an hour away I don't think its fair that I have to go down there all the time in order to see them. I could really use some advice!!

Answer 1

My advise is to back off. It seems as if she doesn't trust you right now. You admit that you haven't been the best mother-in-law at times and I am not here to judge you, but if she feels you don't like her she will not want to be around you. Really, the only thing you can do right now is show her that your truly sorry if you have hurt her feelings. Why does it hurt for you to go and see the granddaughter right now? Remember you will get more with honey then salt.

Answer 2

What ever you have done to her, she is holding a grudge against you. Even though you have apologize to her for what you have done, she should know that at least you made an effort to wanting to repair your relationship with her. But, it is obvious that she isn't willing to accept your apology. So, you did the right thing for apologizing to her. But, has she apologized to you for her behavior? If not, then she could be having a hard time to forgive you.

If you want to see your granddaughter, then you need to go visit them even if it is far away. Otherwise, there is nothing more you can do. If it is okay by your son to call or come to visit and talk to him and his daughter, then call him. Still keep in touch with your granddaughter, she has nothing to do with what went on.

Don't let this get in the way from visiting your son and granddaughter. Otherwise make some plans to meet somewhere in the mean time. I am sure his wife will get over it. He should also talk to her as well and she needs to learn how to forgive.

Answer 3

It's sad but extremely common after the marriage to son's." Let Go" you can't win as the Daughter in law has cut him from the Heard and is taking possession so to speak,and her shocking quest for control can cross boundaries you have never expected and your son doesn't seem to stop it or can't and won't to keep the peace with her and you cannot win you'll lose.Let go get out of her Childish insecure teenage Game ,don't play it with her as in your boundaries need to apply,get on with your Life go thru the pain as she will punish you with the Grandchild also,I would rather give up than have my Grandchild involved in this sickness!
Hope the best for you

Answer 4

I understand that you don't appreciate the long drive to your son's home, but don't deprive your grand kids of being with you. If this the only way for you to spend time with your extended family then please don't punish your grand children. Remember your problem is with their mother, not the grand kids or your son.

For one last act of peace, buy some flowers and a card and have it deliver to your daughter-in-law. Let her know in the card that when she is ready to reestablish a relationship to let you know. At least when the grand kids grows up, they will know you had tried to make peace with their mom.

Do not go further then that. If you daughter-in-law continues with this attitude, just keep her in your prayers, but don't allow this to upset you. There's no need to continue to bring your son into this matter. Just concentrate on your grand kids. Open a college fund for them, and let your son know the details of what you have done. When you invite them over to your house, be sure your son brings all the kids, because they are his as well.

If the mother don't come, keep her in your prayers, but have fun with your family! Again, if you have to drive out there, don't deprive your grand kids because of their mother attitude. Good luck.

God Bless

P.S. If you want some advice on how to get your daughter-in-law's attention, please let me know, but my advice above I would consider first.

Answer 5

I would slow down and give them some time if they care enough, they may change their attitude towards you, don't rush things and perhaps let them come to you, it may even be the little one that may change their mind, because it won't be fair to her in the end. Really you have every right , somehow it does depend on what you did do to your daughter in law though, and how long is she going to be upset with you for, maybe she's just stubborn and needs some space- time is everything.

Answer 6

Well, you are brushing off your D-I-L's problems, saying, "nothing someone can't forgive"....how do you know, have you really tried to look at it from her perspective? In addition, you are worried about it being 'fair' to drive down to see your grandchild. Who cares if it's fair or not, there's hard feelings, so to show that you really want things to smooth over, MAKE AN EFFORT, drive an hour to see your grandchild, isn't she worth it, or do you want to whine the whole time? Better yet, stay at home, whine to everyone that no one is being fair and they should have forgiven you by now, and see how far that gets you.

Answer 7

being as i dont get along with my mother-in-law it can be a control thing if you ask your son first and not ask her might make her feel that you want him and the baby around but not her since your asking him but the best thing i found to help is time she will come around if nothing else ask to spend some time with just her let her know that she is just as much part of the family and loved as your son and grandchild then leave it up to her you tried your best

Answer 8

I am in a similar boat, I have not seen my grandson for over a yr.... Long story.... anyway, if I were you I would make the trip at least once a month to see that precious baby.... your son should NOT be put in the position of having to choose, and to be honest he is married now so you are pushed down the ladder, his allegiance is to his wife, not you... I had forgotten that myself and now regret it sooooooooo much...... If you calmly go see the child, visit for a while, be kind and smile, leave and do not over stay your welcome, I think in time you well reap the rewards, the dau-n-law will see you are no threat and move on..... If it helps and puts it all in perspective, think of when you first married, who , in your mind, was YOUR husband supposed to pick first ?? You of course, or at least that is the way it should have been.......... God bless

Answer 9

I really feel that if you give them space, it might be easier for your DIL to deal with the situation. Make sure that your son does not hold any grudge with you if you dont visit the house for some time. relax. chances are that you might get to meet all of them more often by moving back a few steps. Hope things go well.

Answer 10

Dear Lady,
you should try to get along with her,because she is the Mother of your Grandchild,further more,you put your Son in the middle of things.He loves you,he loves here,so it will but hem in to lots of Stress.For the good of your Grandchild,and your Son,you should try very hard.All things come to a good End,but you have to work on it.I am sure you mean well,but,as you know,young and old clash,the have different Opinions,so just try to forget your Ways a little,and if she is good to your Son and your Grandchild,give her a fair Chance,that's all.None of us is perfect,you know that.I wish you well,take care,and give lots of Love to your Grandchild.