Family drama...when will it end?

Question

Scenario:
2.5 years ago, his father left his mother. About a year (more or less) later, his dad moved to America & married another woman. His father his moved on, he has moved on, his siblings have moved on. His mother has not moved on. She is very childish & she depends on her children for her entire emotional support. She's not moved on at all-she still doesn't work, recieves all money in alimony from her dad, and still stays home most of the time depressed, is occasionally suicidal.

My fiance' took a long time to mend ties with his dad & has really began to accept his dad & the new wife. Together they have formed a good relationship.

Well, as you can imagine, she feels that my fiance' should have nothing to do with his dad. She refuses to go to the wedding if the new wife is there. I feel that ALL should be invited, and if she doesn't come, she has to live with it. My fiance' says it will kill him if she's not there, but feels all should be invited as well.

Help please?

Answer 1

the family drama won't ever end; you are marrying into it.....you and your fiance' are doing the right thing; invite them all, they are adults, if they chose not to come that is their choice; you can't do anything about his mother, she is being manipulative and the best foot for you to start off on as her daughter-in-law is letting her realize it's not going to work on you.

Answer 2

I'm sorry there is such a problem. I request, his mom needs to be seen for depresison, and put on meds for it, and she needs to get some counseling to help her handle her depression, plus everything else that is going on in her life. Also, Have the two of you sat down with her to find out WHY she doesn't want the new wife there? Other than the obvious. Depression can be caused by anger turned inward. Because of the divorce, and subsequent remarriage of her ex, she has grown to depend on her children to help her feel more fulfilled. Maybe you and your man, and her other children should get together to celebrate her being their mom. Has your man explained to his mom how good it is that he has his relationship back with his dad? And new wife? And how he wants ALL to be there? It is you and your man's big day. I agree, all should be there. Hopefully, his mom will have gotten some meds to help her and make her feel better before the wedding. She needs to put her own personal feelings about her ex to one side, and leave those feelings outside of the wedding, and all of the celebration. On a rare chance, could the three "parents" and the two of you get together and talk this over? I'm sorry, but his mom needs to, for her benefit, as well as everyone else's, put her personal differences to one side, enjoy attending the wedding, etc., with his dad and new wife there too, and just enjoy herself for once. I truly do wish you and your man the best. Take care.

Answer 3

You know what? Its your day sweets, it is about you & your fiance & the love you share for each other.
Its about you & your fiance full stop.
Its hard to detatch yourself from the emotions of other people but when they throw an ultimatum like that regarding something that is meant to be solely about you & your fiance , you just need to remember that, it is about you & your fiance, not anyone elses issues with life or any other person.
I do know how difficult it can be, Im getting married in November & cant begin to tell you with the issues of other people in our lives, be it family or friends, hopefully they will all put their crap aside for one day & celebrate two people dedicated to each other, just as I hope the same for you.
I tried not to be blunt but basically, you need to be blunt with your future mother in law. There is a HUGE difference between being assertive & being rude, so a few simple kind but to the point words might be enough to make her snap out of it! All she needs to know is that you & your fiance would like all the people you hold close to your heart to be there to witness the commitment you to have to each other. Try to keep it simple :o) Maybe even a letter?
Best of luck & congratulations ;o)

Answer 4

ALL should be invited. My friend had a similar situation her mom wouldn't go if the "new" mom was being introduced at the reception with the dad. Her remedy was "old" mom and dad were introduced together at the reception as the parents of the bride. "New" mom was unfortunately left out of the introductions but everyone still had a good time. "Old" mom might feel better if you focus on HER as mother of the groom and let the "new" mom take a "backseat". Hopefully this will be ok for both moms.

Answer 5

Mom needs to grow up and realize this isn't about her. Has your fiance told her how much it would mean to him to have her there, or more importantly, how he'd feel if she wasn't there? It sounds like she may not realize it, but she's emotionally blackmailing her own children, and that's just plain wrong. If she won't budge, the only thing you can do is to try to help your fiance change his perspective so he's not so hurt by her not coming. If you could GENTLY point out what she's doing to him without being too aggressive about it, maybe he'll come to understand that she's wrong to treat him like that.

It sounds like she would benefit from counseling, but that's another story.

Good luck.

Answer 6

You are both right... all should be invited. If Mother wants to be childish and actually go as far as to miss her own Son's wedding because of this..... she has to live with that. All you and your fiance can do is send out the invitations. What she does with hers is out of your control. If she chooses to go to the wedding, I would make it very clear that you and your new husband will not tolerate any shenanigan's. If she wants to make a scene or cannot behave she will be escorted out.

If his Mother is going to ACT like a child.... TREAT her like one.

As far as when will it end??? You are kidding right? It never ends honey... it never ends.

Good Luck and have FUN at your wedding!!

Answer 7

I agree with you - if his mother refuses to go because of another invitee, than she's the childish one. It will hurt her, but more importantly it will hurt him, but he needs to cut the apron strings. He should realize that she is just trying to manipulate him into doing what she wants.
You might have to point that out to him, as he's probably blind to it all. But the key is to do it in a way that he won't be offended. That'll be the tough part. If she loved him and was putting his feelings before her own, she would attend without all this fuss.