Is my boyfreinds relationhip with his mother normal?

Question

By boyfreind is 37 and i must add that 6 years ago his younger brother committed suicide and this brought them much closer together. However, his mother is exremly inconsiderate when it comes to making plans with us. (Which seems lately is 4 out of five dates we have to take her along) we can have plans at 5 pm for dinner and she wont contact us to let us know what she :feels like" doing till 8 Pm on some nights. My last two weekends I have cancelled plans to accomodate being with my boyfreind and she has completely ruined it. I have tried talking to him about it but he is a stone wall when it comes to her. she can do NO WRONG in his eyes and it usually ends up with him attacking me. Tonight we were supposed to go to dinner and I just found out shes 2 hours away and isnt sure when she will be back or if she will. Im so frustrated I have sat home all weekend and now my boyfreind and I are fighting yet again. I cannot say anything about her at all without being attacked.

I really like her but I just do not know how to point out his and her inconsiderate behavior without it blowing up into a huge fight and usually me crying and staying home alone. Is this normal for a grown man to want his mother around THAT much and why is he attacking me for her inconsiderate behavior? I just dont know what to do. This is abnormal to me . Is this the qedipus complex? is he secretly in love with her? his brothers suicide was over 6 years ago.

i MEANT TO SAY OEDIPUS COMPLEX. lol

We've been together 2 years now and I really do like his mother in every other respect than this. Shes a kind lady and we get along fine. She seems to just control him in every way. Shes very nice to me

Collen O - I understand their closeness and I support that I just think it has gotten to an extreme that almost no one could put up with and our lack of privacy and intimacy is suffering from her constant prescence. I do like the mother and enjoy her company. I just wish that I could have the realtionship back without offendeding either of them.

Answer 1

Norman Bates was close to his mother too.

Answer 2

I'd be more apt to be angrier with your boyfriend, to a point. He did lose his brother and feels his Mother has not let go of that and clings to him for fear of losing him too. The fact that she can not make a decision on what to do is understandable, some people just can't do it.
Perhaps you should make plans and stick by them, basically just tell them both that you are going here and will be there at such time. If the mother cannot make it please call and you shall go on without her. You have to tell your boyfriend that you understand how much his mother's well being means to him but he has to move on with his own life. You will try to accommodate some things but plans shouldn't change just because of her. A mother should understand this and I would hope she would get it, if she doesn't I think she's not completely over her son's death.
If after a time, it doesn't get any better , move on and find someone else. Maybe dumping him will snap him out of it, who really knows though.

Answer 3

Ugh! Run for the hills! Did you know if you rearrange the letters in the word Mother-In-Law that it spells out Hitler Woman? If the woman is not willing to butt out, she's going to be a problem for a long long time. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to put up with this behavior for much longer. It's a good thing you aren't married, you still have a choice. It's hard to settle on the idea that when you date or marry a person, you are dating and marrying the entire family that comes with it. There are plenty of other people to date in this world and let your boyfriend know this. Hopefully he can change the arrangements he is accustomed to with his mother.

Answer 4

My two cents,

It could be worth your while to first attempt to approach this subject (yet again with your boyfriend) but add that since he doesn't seem to be willing to work with you on the subject that maybe you should take things up with Mamma. Give that some time to work through and see if his behavior changes or enough time that it could be honestly said that he had a fair chance to broach the subject with her. Assuming he doesn nothing, once an appropriate (and that adjective is up to your estimation) has passed take the issue up with Mamma yourself.

Be as tactful as possible, firm but fair, etc etc.

Admitedly this is all a moot point relative to how much each of you have invested in the relationship, or at least believe has invested in the relationship.

Good luck.

Answer 5

"his brothers suicide was over 6 years ago" Have you ever had a sibling commit suicide? If not then HOW can you sit there and judge whether or not he should still feel the pain of it? I am not saying that what he and his mother have is "normal" frankly I don't believe ANY relationship is ever truly "normal" . If the only children this woman ever had were her two sons then maybe she is trying to hang on to and spend as much time with your boyfriend as she can because she probably never got "closure" with his brother's death. Maybe she didn't get to tell him she loved him before he committed suicide and she doesn't want that to happen with your boyfriend. Maybe if YOU tried to be a bit more compassionate and tried to spend time with her alone she would loosen her grip on him. But no...you won't do that...you're too self centered and selfish and no one should grieve for a lost sibling more than 6 years after their passing right?

Answer 6

Sweetie I really do not want to sound cold but you need a new boy friend. I you were to marry this young man you would be marrying the mom as well a life for you would be a living hell.
Yes you may think you love him but he does not love you enough to tell his mom she has to move on.
Dear man when he finds a woman he is not suppose to still be clings to his mom skirt tail.
I understand that tragic lost that she went through but she is holding on to the other son so tight that whom ever marries him she come along with the deal.
If you can handle that well then continue to date this fellow but if not you really need to find someone that the mom is not hanging on to the son like and extra arm.

Answer 7

Wow, you don't mention how long you have been with him. If you don't already have a lot of time in the relationship, cut the ties and be glad to be free. He sounds very inconsiderate of your feelings. The brother was six years ago, they should have adjusted by now. You need to take inventory of your feeling for this guy and make a decision if you want to be treated like this.

Answer 8

I would try talking to him 1 more time especially if u really want him.Then u might want to speak to her as well about how u feel or to find out why she feels she has to b around all the time.U might find out more then u want if u get her alone and talk .Let him know how much this is effecting your relationship.U have no prob with mom but not (give a list of everything)from your head though not on paper.If things don't change then they most likely won't.Good luck n hope it all works out.U know there could b more to why she is around so much n neither one r telling you but keep talking about it n find out why.

Answer 9

girlfriend you have drama!!!!! Believe your are not going to come between this man and his mama. Make plans with guidelines that everyone understands. All ways have a backup plan if your plans with your boyfriend fail!!!!! go to dinner by yourself, go out with girlfriends or go to a relatives house. Don't let his stagnate life become your stagnate life. DEMAND!!!! at least two days a week of alone time with out the mother. If he is doing this now..... if you marry him this will be your life so lay down the foundation of respect and rules now.

Answer 10

Sadie is right sweetie...run away now. 37 is too old to be going on dates with your mother. You will never be able to compete and a normal man would'nt make you. I'm not sure what kind of sickness runs between some mothers and sons but it makes me very happy to have 3 daughters!

Answer 11

Maybe he's making allowances for her because she's still so needy. I don't think that you are going to be able to compete with that, because even if he acknowledges that she's sucking him dry emotionally, he still is not going to be able to back off from her now, if he hasn't after six years. One year is the norm for grieving...I know that everyone grieves differently, and I respect their right to...it doesn't mean that you have to let him drag YOU into it. It could be that their tragedy has just been to much, and that NEITHER of them is ready for a healthy relationship yet, even after six years!