Needed advice...went to my old church...?

Question

I was raised Lutheran but have doubts about religion as a whole. I can't say I believe in God, but I can't say that he doesn't exist either, straddling the fence, so to speak. My son goes to church with his father and believes in God. To him it's black and white. I won't rock that faith. If he's got it, good for him. However, when he was 5 his stepmom told him that if you don't believe in Jesus you will go to hell. My son asked me if I believed and said that he didn't want me to go to hell. I couldn't lie to him, but I couldn't rock his faith either. So I went to my old church (hadn't been there in over 15 years) to ask the Pastor how to approach this situation. All he did was try to convince me that God exists. I told him I was not looking for a reason to believe myself, just how to handle my lack of faith with my son who has faith.

Why couldn't he help me objectively? I walked out the door in tears for the lack of compassion and understanding from a "man of God".

Should have mentioned, my son's father is Baptist and these are the beliefs he has instilled in my son without discussing it with me first.

Answer 1

Faith alone cannot get you through anything. Faith alone did NOT save millions of lives from death. Faith is not one of those instant gratification investments. It is in fact built for the long haul. In my line of work, I've seen men die, futiley begging God to save them, but yet... nothing. Not to say that such things shake my faith in God, it just gives me a better understanding of what to expect in life.

Faith and REASON are what will help you through. God gave you logic and science for a reason. He gave you common sense and instincts for a reason.

That particular pastor was possibly one who possessed BLIND faith and devotion. The type that believes, but never wonders why. The type to learn, but never questions what. Such men/women are fools in such that they claim to believe in Jesus, yet reject his teachings, which in itself is hypocrisy. 'How can the blind lead the blind? Both will fall into a ditch'. He(Jesus) said it best.

That kind of person inherits a defense mechanism in his/her psyche in which anything NOT agreeing with their opinion is heresy/blasphemy and is completely shut off and rejected and treated accordingly. Such is the type of person who kept on believing that the Earth was flat after it has been proven to be round.

Avoid that, friend. I think OBJECTIVELY you should tell your son what you believe and why. In my humble opinion, it would help him to mature and prepare himself for the world around him, and possibly (and more importantly) open his mind. Otherwise, in my humble opinion, he will grow up thinking in black and white, which to me is a tragedy. How can you see anything beautiful like a rose or a rainbow with a mindset like that?

It touches me that your son would say that. It proves he loves you.

I hope I've answered your question.

Seek knowledge for knowledge is power; power is freedom; freedom is peace...

Peace be upon you...

Answer 2

Are you asking if someone can help you lie to your child?
It is your child's love and compassion for you that compels him to find out. Also, the very love of God Himself will push the child to desire to know the truth about you.
You never were a Christian. So, how can you "know" the truth?
Why don't you play the "what if" game with yourself? Ask-"what if God does not exist"? Now try to answer that. When you are satisfied that you have done all you can no to find out, the ask "what if God is real"? Now what?
You will eventually come to the conclusion that you "need to know" if God is real. I was 42 before I found out the truth. I am now 59. Trust me God is real, and everything does matter. BTW, I am not completely stupid. I hold a technical degree in engineering, a B.S. from an accredited University, and a seminary degree in ministry. God "is" real. And, what you do does matter.
I was once close to where you are now. I told my child that God was just a faith and that He was not real. That was a mistake, but it was truthfully what I believed at the time. The damage is still mounting after about 20 years. My child had faith (he was also very ill). I destroyed it. Do not make the mistake I have made.

Answer 3

I'm very sad you had such an experience...

I'm not sure of what your question is, but if you still want to explain to your son, if you feel he is old enough (and I assume he is now older than 5, and he might be ready to hear the answer if he is already thinking about it...) to handle your answer, then you should explain to him as you did us. Tell him that you yourself aren't quite sure; you don't believe, but you don't disbelieve. But emphasize to him how proud and happy you are that he has such strong faith. Give straight facts. This is how you are/feel currently, but you consider his faith very important and you want him to keep it strong.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Answer 4

Not knowing the actual conversation, I think the pastor was offering a solution. If you would believe, then it would not become a conflict for your son. He may have construed your even being there, asking about this, as your wanting to believe. To tell truthfully of your belief is probably the best course of action. It may "rock" his world, and cause him concern for you, but it was your own decision and responsibility. You may have to prove your reasoning to him, so that he may have a understanding of why you believe what you do . As a side note, you may want to examine the conviction within yourself that caused you to be hurt by what the pastor had said. You may have found a truth that you yourself must appraise and answer, for your own peace of mind.

Answer 5

Coming from a Christian perspective, my advise is as follows.
First of all assuage your son's fears by asking him to pray for mommy. Tell him to pray that Jesus will reveal Himself to mommy. Tell him that you have placed top priority on his concern that mommy could go to hell.
This should assuage his anguish.

As for faith itself, you may want to look at this issue from a completely different angle.

1. Forgive the pastor of being insensitive to your feelings. He's just doing a job in the way he has learned. He is not your problem.

2. Atheism is an absolute negative. Therefore indefensible.
If you have taken a college course in philosophy or logic or have read anything on these subjects, satisfy yourself on this issue concerning any reservations you might have.

3. In my opinion Agnostics are frankly cowards. Sorry no offense meant. Agnostics have sometimes read and reread the Bible(simply because it is such a beautiful piece of literature) and have so much Biblical and secular info on the birth, death, and resurrection of Jesus at their disposal yet refuse to take a position either pro or con. This in my opinion is foolish. I have more respect for the Atheist who simply hasn't given it more thought or study. At least Huxley was honest enough to admit that he would not be a Christian because he felt he would need to surrender his Sexual and Political disposition. Of course I disagree with Huxley. I don't believe he would have lost but rather gained in both these areas. But at least he was honest and forthcoming.

4. I would like to suggest that you visit Christian sites that deal
mainly with the skeptics and academic community.
My Fav is http://www.rzim.org/. Ravi Zacharias (formerly from India, now lives in Georgia) is extremely erudite and forthcoming in his wonderful lectures. Go to the radio section and download one or two of his lectures. Pay special attention to the Q&A segments at the various universities. Just follow the directions. There is no fee. Of course contributions are accepted.

Second may I suggest Reasons to believe, with Dr Hugh Ross.
http://www.reasons.org/

Another one I like is http://www.creationevidence.org/

You may say that I'm just trying to covert you. You would be right. But it is not a waste of your time to consider the various resources offered.

Hope this helps. I Cr 13;8a

EDIT: When your child gets older you might have him read the American Classic by Jonathan Edwards(1735), "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God". Read it in Lit class in High School.
The Norton Anthology, American Literature, 5th edition, vol 1.

Answer 6

i suggest you explain to your son , that some religions believe that you must believe in Jesus or go to hell,,,,, and that there are many other religions that dont believe that,,,,,,, there are many ways to God, and its really up to the person to find their own way,,,,,, also add in that some of the religions that think there is only one way to God, are not understanding of others. this is all true information,,,,,,
as to your own beliefs, just tell him at this point you are not certain,,, you are still considering all of it, and that you feel God will understand , remind him of the bible passage where Jesus says "i have sheep not of this flock"
ps: the comment about going to a Unitarian church is a good one, both for you and your son,,,,as its accepting of all ways to spirituality,,, i am Unitarian Universalist,,,,,, after searching many religions to find something i was comfortable with,,,,,,,

Answer 7

Some times we lose sight of how difficlut things are for others when when we have been doing them for so long. Hopefully your son is old enough you can talk about it and have an honest disscusion without pulling punches.

Answer 8

<> Having read ahead, the Church will not allow the marriage of someone who is not Baptized. You don't have to convert to Catholicism, but you will need to be Baptized. Might as well get Baptized in the Catholic Church. <> Uhm, husband? If you two aren't married yet, he's NOT your 'husband', not yet. <> One does not necessarilly have to be a Catholic Christian in order to get married in the Church, but you do need to be Baptized. Talk to the parish priest about this.

Answer 9

The part that most bothers me is the "hell" thing. I know that Lutherans believe in this, as do Roman Catholics, which was my own upbringing. And I think it unconscionable to torture children, especially in this way.

I know you wish him to determine his own system of faith, as I did my two daughters. I don't wish you to rock his faith, but even if telling him hell does not exist does that, you have to. Your pastor is a monster.

Come on, we both know what an indoctrination in hell did to our own young psyches, different religions though we were. You just can't let that happen to your son.

Answer 10

of course he is going to try and convince you ... that is his job
and i can feel your frustration
but be honest with your son as i am to my children
i tell them this is what mum believes ... and you have your own mind
not everyone believes the same but that doesnt make them wrong
reassure him if you can without going against his dad ... that in the same respect , some people do not believe that hell exists
and for your son not to worry about you because God will know your heart
good luck in this
it is a difficult situation to be in xx