My boyfriend is upset with me as I have not let him focus on his work issues. He has been very stressed and he is trying to apply for a new job. I have not been trusting towards him and instead saw his distancing as him not loving me and caring about me. He has pre-warned me that he has a lot to deal with it right now but I did not listen to him and I became needy. On Friday I sent him a message telling him that I dont feel special. He got upset with me. I apologised and he said that it's always like this with me and I never stick to what I say and that is that i'll let him focus. I sent him a message telling him that I understand him and that I will not disturb him and let him be and I am here for him if he needs me. He has not responded. What should I do now? He has planned to come and see me in a few days before this conflict happened.
2007-02-25 02:55:11 · 19 answers · asked by violet b 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Yeah I think you know the answer. You just need to back off for a little bit and let him get his stuff together. Especially if he is going for a job. For males, it is really important in their life to get a good job and "be successful" There is immense pressure to do so. So we are driven to get good jobs, and if it is not going well or there is uncertainty it is really stressful. Having a girlfriend is another full time job. Men are supposed to be there for their ladies too, but if he has too much going on, and you are not having a major problem, he really does not need to be getting it from both sides.
Instead you should be supporting him and not thinking about yourself. It is hard, but if the guy did not love you, he probably would not stick around anyway. So stop being insecure and let the guy live a litlle bit. I dont know if he is going to come back, but the only way you can get him back is to stop bugging him immediately. It will be very difficult, but you have to do it. I know you will want to call him and say you are sorry and support him, but to a guy that is more stress. He just does not want to deal with it right now. The number one thing guys do not want is a excessively needy or persistant girl. They like helping women on occasion, but when you got big problems, and all your girl cares about it petty issues relating to HER then you get upset because you feel she is being selfish and not caring.
So here is what you do. Dont talk to him for at least 5 days. Then you contact him if he has not contacted you and tell him that you realize you were wrong and that you are supportive to him. Tell him you were being selfish and inconsiderate of his needs. Dont do this until at least 5 days because otherwise he will view it as you stirring up more stuff, and further distracting him. Let him think a bit.
2007-02-25 03:08:23 · answer #1 · answered by michael p 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you need a lot more from him than he feels able to give at the moment. He does seem to have made it clear to you from the beginning; but we women are all the same; we think we can change a man.
If he has a lot of pressure from work, it's likely he won't be able to take pressure from a relationship. I think your best bet is to lie low for a while. Don't contact him, wait for him to ring you. Try and develop other interests outside of him; you need a good busy life, of which your boyfriend should be only a part - the way you are only a part of his.
I also sense you are being a bit of a doormat in telling him you are there for him if he needs you. That goes without saying, I'm sure. But I say this to you from experience - get out there and get a life - he's got one. It will make you a much more interesting person to him, and who knows - you might meet other men who WILL have the time to commit more fully to you.
2007-02-25 11:15:43 · answer #2 · answered by marie m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Good morning Violet b,
I'm sorry to hear about your delema, how ever it can be a blessing in discize. Let him have his space. It he truely means it it wil help the two you you grown to become stronger. If he is only saying this because he has someone on the side (which I hope he doesn't but it's possible) then giving him his space will also make you stronger.
Ask yourself this question, is he someone you really want to marry and spend the rest of your time with? To me it sounds like he is trying to brush you off or is having a hard time dealing with you always wanting his attention. Hang in there things will work out, and if they don't they were not ment to be.
Hopefully one day he will wake up and notice how lucky he is to have someone that loves and cares about him before you have moved on.
Best wishes, Sincerely,
Buster
2007-02-25 11:05:17 · answer #3 · answered by Buster 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's too bad he couldn't come to you for comfort and to de-stress when he is dealing w big issues like this. Try not to make everything about you and be there for him. I know it's difficult when you feel neglected but try to be strong. Hopefully it's not too late. And make sure he can share his life and problems w you, if not, then you have no chance of having a decent relationship. Both of you need to give a little it seems, he needs to share his problems, and you need to be a little less needy. By him sharing his problems WITH you, instead of shutting you out and stressing it would give you that reassurance that he needs you. Let him know you're there for him and will stop questioning him and see if he opens up to you.
2007-02-25 11:07:54 · answer #4 · answered by Polly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Allow yourselves both time to cool off. Sometimes it is difficult for people to juggle a lot of life issues. He did warn you that he would be concentrating on his work issues and sometimes other things have to take a back seat for a while. Once his work issues were sorted he, I am sure, would have had time for you to make you feel special. Be thankful that he feels you have the sort of relationship where he feels comfortable saying to you that he needs some space for a while rather than getting grumpy with you because he is trying to juggle everything.
Don't be so needy for his love. Be confident in yourself and your relationship.
I'm sure everything will be fine. x
2007-02-25 11:47:51 · answer #5 · answered by Dirty Blonde 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well done on recognising what you have done. I wouldn't text him or ring him as this is obviously intruding on him. Instead, I would write a short, well-thought out letter, and post it to him. Something like "Having had time to think about this, I realise that I am totally in the wrong and have been pressuring you and distracting you from the things that are important to you. I am truly sorry. I know that you have a responsible job, and I was wrong to add stress to the worries that you already have. I hope that you can forgive me and that we can continue to be friends. " and sign off, "with love". That's it, no more, no asking him to call, no begging for forgiveness. You have written a clear apology and given him time to consider it.
And then , I'm afraid, it's over to him to contact you, in his own time. Meantime, try to work out just why you are so clinging - men HATE clinging women, it frightens them, drives them away. Try to act more independent - it can be done! Good luck.
2007-02-25 11:07:10 · answer #6 · answered by gorgeousfluffpot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know, even if he was focusing on his work issues, he should still have some time for you.
On the other hand, you are being needy and you know it.
I think you two need a cooling off period while he gets his head on straight and you learn to be more independent.
2007-02-25 11:00:00 · answer #7 · answered by Aimee L 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The trust issues, are your problem. Now you know what he is aiming for, and if you want to stay in the relationship, you will also benefit for it, so let him do what he has to do. You can't blame him for not answering you back, if every time, it is more negative stuff. You need to take this time, and work on yourself. Contact him one more time, and tell him, that you are are sorry, and that you will be more supportive of him from now on. Now you take this time to work on yourself. read books on self esteem,
2007-02-25 11:12:34 · answer #8 · answered by roseannetb@verizon.net 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Violet, I may be misjudging the guy, but he sounds a bit too concerned about himself, at your expense. It is possible to be stressed etc without taking it out on your partner! I would just wait and see if he gets in touch, and if he doesn't, well good riddance! If he does, and you want to stay with him, just do your own thing, be supportive, but not demanding. Make sure your own life is full and satisfying without depending on him. Good luck.
2007-02-25 11:04:04 · answer #9 · answered by mad 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
multi tasking can be difficult i know ..............give him a little more space than he may need and see if he responds! tough on you but if he cant cope with work and you then how well will this relationship work, i think you may also need some space to think this through hard as it may seem, love is meant to be a two way thing...sharing and caring who ever needs the support! take care and good luck
2007-02-25 11:02:07 · answer #10 · answered by placidma 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋