my husband is cheating on me?

Question

i know my husband is still in contact with this girl he cheated on me with for 2 years.i know he loves her but he say he love me too.he swore he wudnt stay in contact with her but he has i found txts from him to her still saying h loves her.whys he doing this??whys he risking losing me if he loves me..i guess he cant help lovin her..what shal i do

ive just given birth, i am musim girl and wll be very hard to find som 1 else to take me with a baby..i love him but i know he loves her..aswel as me

is it wrong to stay together for the baby sake and will our marriage end up failing please say the truth

Answer 1

No-one can predict what will happen here. So don't allow anyone's comments to hurt you any more than you're already being hurt right now.

Clearly you are in an agonising situation and will feel as though you need to do something to control the pain, but when you don't know what to do for the best, the best thing to do is nothing.

If you want to make your marriage work, take a step back. Your husband is unwilling to give up his affair despite his promises. This is because he is getting something from this woman that he believes he can not get elsewhere - not necessarily just from you.

You need to find out what the missing ingredient to his life is. It could be passion, eroticism, intellectual stimulation, emotional support or even just a fantasy version of himself because he is bored with his real self. To do this gently ask him " why did you love / enjoy being with x".

Once you know what he gets from her, supply it yourself. He will either realise that he doesn't need her (like he thinks he does right now) or he will still want her but not enough to justify leaving his happy home- (which is the current situation). The longer this goes on the more likely that she will end it.

Remember, she wants your husband to marry her - that is always what the girl wants. Slowly but surely she will get tired of his promises, of all the hurt and feeling like she is being thrown scraps.

She will start wanting someone who will give her all the secure / committed aspects of a relationship, (the things your husband gives you) including a family of her own. She will get increasingly angry, bitter, dissatisfied. And their relationship will become a battleground.

At this point she will be looking for someone who is free and your husband will be sick of the drama and realise he has everything he needs with you. Either way it will end.

All of the above will take months, and will be very painful. You need to find a way of distracting yourself from your fears. Focus on the baby, get your body back into shape, perhaps study by correspondence to enhance your career, try to meet people. You never know you might find someone else, in which case you will be the clear winner.

I'm not advocating that you stay unhappy, its just that the only thing you gain from a break up right now is being alone, looking after a baby - which is no joke. You already know this and if you were truly thinking of leaving, you wouldn't be asking strangers.

Your husband is a cruel jerk, by the way, and he doesn't deserve you. His infideltity is no reflection of who you are or what you have to offer.

And finally, biding your time - doesn't make you a loser - sometimes its the wisest thing to do. Goodluck

Answer 2

this is a difficult one since your religious beliefs obviously make you feel very tied to this man and there are probably family pressures too. However, is your husband a Muslim? Is it acceptable within his beliefs to be treacherous to you? Presumably not.
But this leaves you with the dilemma of what to do. Now, whatever happens, you will never be destitute and starve .... the state will see to it that you and your baby are housed and fed. But the question of whether, if you leave, you will ever find someone again to love you .... look at the alternative: to stay and be unhappy because you do not have the sole love of your husband! Can you see the comparison? You take a chance to leave, and perhaps find love again, or stay in a loveless (from his side) marriage and risk more hurt in this relationship.
It's times like these when families can come to the fore. His parents should be aware of his behaviour - they may be able to influence him and remind him of his duties, if he is a strict Muslim.
You say he can't help loving her ... well actually he can. It's just a matter of choice, choosing not to contact someone, text them - it's all about willpower and self-control. If you are really as important to him as he says, he would never contact this other woman again. But as he is continuing to do so, despite knowing the hurt it is causing you and jeopardising the security of you and your baby .... well, he's actually choosing to do something to hurt you.
I'm afraid the next move is over to you. Good luck, I wish you well, whatever you decide to do.

Answer 3

Oh, I feel so sorry for you. It is easy to say dump him
but until you are in that situation you can,t possibly tell
what you would do.

But please - do not use the baby as an excuse to stay
with this cheating husband of yours. How can your
marriage work while he has confessed to loving someone?
Really, for your own sake - you have got to make him the
ultimatum. Its her or you. You're being very understanding
when you excuse him by saying he can't help but love her.
Do you really want to go on through life being second best.
He is having excitement with her then coming home to 'little
wifey and baby' then acting like the big caring husband.
Have you even confronted him now that you have found these
texts. It makes my blood boil - once they have been found
out, why can't they say sorry - then just crawl away with their
so called lover and let them just get on with it.
Yes - your husband will go probably - but then he will either
crawl back to you begging for forgiveness (again) or he or she
will end up breaking up someone elses marriage. They should
make up their mind what they damn well want!!!!!

Answer 4

Should you stay with someone because you guys have a child together?, but you don't love him anymore or he doesnt love you anymore? What is really the question here or the answer here? Give a hard thinking of this kind of situation and decisions. If both of you are willing to work things out because of the sake of the baby? or your marriage? or your relationship?...then it takes 2 not 1 to do so....Both of you need to sit down and need a hard talking...No shouting, no critisizing each other...Both of you have to realize what you guys are feeling to each other right now. Maybe this way you guys can work things out...either work it out to stay together or work it out to just not stay together....

I hope this would help you..even just a lil'...so good luck...

Answer 5

Hey you!!! Sounds like you're going through hell!!

A friend of mine went through this - my advice to her was be strong and give him the ultimatum her or you. Yes it is possible to love more than1 person at once but hey does he want his cake and eat it.... VERY UNFAIR!!!

Maybe as you say he can't help loving her but what about YOU!!!

Unfortunately no-one can tell you what to do - ultimately this is your decision!!!! All I can say (and this is not meant harshly in any way shape or form) but if he truly loved you would he be going elsewhere? (sorry that does sound harsh - it's not meant that way at all!)

Just to let you know my friend's ex chose her - kept seeing the other girl. Friend dumped him and yes it took her a while (about 1 year) but she is the happiest I've ever seen her.

Have you got friends/family you can confide in? email if you need to!

Be strong and think of YOU not him!!!!

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Just adding to your additions.
Don't stay with him just because you have a child together - My pal has 3 kids and sh'e found someone else and he's more of a father to her kids than their biological Dad.

Answer 6

Hi, This is difficult because you really love your husband, but my initial instinct is to say dump him, if he has lied to you then he will just carry on lying to you. You cant live your life with your relationship based on lies. Your self esteem will dwindle and you will always live in doubt. I know because my husband cheated on me, he never told me he had an affair but i always knew, i just couldn't catch him. The affair ended but after a few months appart he started it back up, i caught him on a bluff and he left 4 years ago, i havent seen him since. People say they can see a big difference in me i am more confident and look 10 times better ,because i was living with the strain of knowing my husband loved someone else. Take control of your life, be happy.

Answer 7

sounds like you are in a tricky situation but a relation ship is built around trust and if you cant trust him the relationship will never wotk it is wrong to stay with someone for the sake of a child cause it wont help anyone in the long run try going to marriage councelling see if that helps good luck

Answer 8

Just a suggestion here, try marriage counseling or just divorce the guy. That is pretty much your options at this point. Just to let you know, most likely he is probably still secretly seeing this woman if he is still in contact with after telling you he would stop. I doubt that he really cares one way or the other if he loses you. He is already getting what he wants from someone else so you are pretty much just an extra at this point. If he really loved you then he would have had enough respect for you to call it quits with this other woman and seek help for your marriage. Here is another thing to think about, if he cheated on you with this woman whats to stop him from cheating on her with someone else later on?

Answer 9

Why do men cheat? Well, they have been programmed since birth to make as many babies as possible. They are fully capable of loving two women at the same time. Not to defend your husband, but I thought it might help to know the mechanics behind men's behavior. Anyway, I really hope your problem gets sorted out.

Answer 10

i think it's time you left him... i know it'd probably hard but think about how down and upset you're feeling ,it'll work out better for u & baby in the end.
you should'nt really think about finding anyone else at the moment but it will happen in the future and it will probably be someone who loves you & only you.
be independent and show your cheating husband that you dont need him. he might actually see what he's lost and come to his senses(that's if you still want him ).if that does happen make sure it's on your terms not his.... good luck xxx