How do I deal with my Over Controlling Mother?

Question

My Asian parents have been divorce for over a decade, and I'm the only child- a girl. I chose to stay with my mom since I was 8, and now I'm 20. She does not date, and she's too overbearing to be with.
After a major car accident when I was 17, I have a curfew-10pm because my mom thinks only crazy people are out late at night.
I sometimes come home at that time, but usually like 11-12. She gets very angry, nags, and it makes me very frustrated.
I'm not a bad person. I have almost a 4.0, business major, I go to church Sat night and Sun morning, I teach children's ministry, I don't come home pregnant, and I don't do drugs, smoke, or drink.
I work hard in school and I feel that I deserve to go out and have fun.
I don't know how to deal with my controlling mother. She will not let me go to school far away from home. She wants me under her surveillance when I'm out of school.
What do I do?

Answer 1

First off, i'm a chinese, so i do understand your cultural background.

Its important to remember, that your mother is acting out of love, however misguided you may feel it to be. Its very chinese to expect the children to obey their elders in everything, you are an example of that.

Further more, having seperated for your father, you are the only remaining member of the family she has left, and hence can be very very possessive indeed.

Acts of defiance, the need to strike out is a very western thing to do, and its only causing your mother to be more and more protective and stifling. This belief that only crazy people stay out late, its another hold over from being from an eastern background.

And part of her anger is in that you do not listen to her, mind you, in her time she problably listened to her parents and adhered to every little detail, and expects you to do the same out of "love".

I think you should sit down with your mother, and explain to her that even though you do love her and wouldn't put yourself in harm's way, because you know she would be worried. Its also time you learned a bit of independance, and had some time to yourself. But regardless of what happens to you, you would make sure not to put her into a situation that she might lose face, or be worried sick.

Answer 2

So where is your father in all this? Have you talked to him about what is going on in your home? Can you move in with him? Or even move out on your own or with a roommate?
Part of your mother's problem may be the "fear factor". Your father left her and now she is afraid to loose you...which probably got worse when you were in the car accident. Try talking to her like an adult and don't get into a screaming match with her. Come up with some idea's of compromise that you could both live with. Be calm, professional and choose your time wisely...don't try to talk to her when she is upset. It won't work at that point. Think about it like a business deal....and try to figure out ways that you can both win. Good luck

Answer 3

Your mother may fear you will end up in a situations like she did, with a bad marriage. While I respect the viewpoint that your mother is overprotecting you, it is also HER house, and she is allowed to make the rules. You are of legal age to move out on your own. It may be the time for you to do so. Just keep on being the responsible person you are now and your mother will come around eventually (It took a while with mine) She may also fear living alone, or fear losing you like she lost her husband. Do you have any relatives that sees your point of view that can possibly help you mother see what she is doing to you is counterproductive? Good luck with your situation. It took me moving 800 miles away from my mother , and she STILL tries to control me (after 29 years out of the house!) It just takes standing firm in how you want to live your life. If she will not flex on the rules, and you cannot live with them, then it is time to move out. It sounds like you are both strong-willed, and with a combinaton like that, you will aways have some clashes.

Answer 4

Have patience until you can leave home.

In the meantime, try some negotiating, and arrange for renegotiations every so often or after an important event. Learning to compromise is a great skill.

Answer 5

You are really answering your own question. You need to get away from her control. Get a job, go to school nights and you will have your freedom. As long as you want something from her, she pulls the strings.
Good luck

Answer 6

u should sit down and have a heart to heart with your mother not a screaming match. dont fight or argue just try to talk to her and tell her how u are feeling. she just might understand. if she doesn't maybe u should think about getting your own place then she could not watch u like a hawk.

Answer 7

She loves you a lot. Be grateful you have your mom and understand her nagging is out of love. Make sure you tell her you love her too.