How to determine whether or not my mother needs a mental health evaluation?

Question

My mother secretly moved out of my parents house, rented an apartment and took $10,000 from their joint savings account. This all in three short days and not talking to or telling anyone about her need to do so including her husband, my father. I say it that way because she always talks to me, her older sister, or her youngest sister. My mom is in her 50's and my parents have been married for 38 years. My parents have been needing counsling for about 5 years now and they both have been lazy on taking care of their marriage. I need to know if anyone has gone through a seperation or divorce where one or the other may need to seek mental health counsuling due to irratic behavior.

Answer 1

Your mother's behavior seems erratic to you only because you don't know the whole story. Although you may be surprised that your mother moved out suddenly, the fact that she covered all her bases shows that she put some forethought and intelligence into it. Advance planning is not the province of the unstable or erratic.

An obvious reason why she would do this is because she wanted to avoid recriminations and drama. Her mind's probably been made up for some time. She didn't tell you because she didn't want your input, and/or she didn't want you to blab it to your father.

Her reasons are really none of your business. She's a adult. I say you're free to ask her, politely, about why she did it; but I don't think you should comment on her reasons, other than to wish her well.

You make only vague allusions to problems: "needing counseling for 5 years;" "lazy on taking care of their marriage." Had you been more specific about who did what, it would be easier to answer your question about whether counseling would be helpful. Nevertheless, your parents are adults, and if they wanted to get counseling, they had 38 years to do it. There may be history between them that you don't know, and have no business knowing, that led your mother to leave.

Sudden separations are fairly common when (a) the kids are grown up; (b) one of the married couple retires from work. The reasons for this are (a) the primary moral reason for staying married is gone; and (a and b) there is too little to do, and too much togetherness for a couple who don't like each other.

Your concern is understandable, but without obvious signs of florid mental illness, there is little you can or should do to interfere. But again, you can be supportive by remaining neutral and being a good listener, and good company to both your parents, who may become more lonely, even if they did not enjoy each other's company.

Answer 2

It sounds like your mothers is trying to seperate from your father. She probably took the money out so she felt she had some security. It may be hard for her to talk with anyone because she may not have completely decided what she was going to do. When a couple has been together for that long it takes a lot of courage to leave. She probably doesn't need a mental health evaluation. Give her a little time and then calmly talk to her about it.

Answer 3

You don't know that your Mom needs help mentally...you might think that because she kept something from you, but I bet she just wanted to get away from your Dad. He may be doing or saying things to her that you don't know about. Talk to her first and get her to tell you why she moved out...(and BTW...most states are community property...1/2 of what she has/had with your Dad is hers...)
Just because they've been married a long time doesn't mean they still love each other or even care...so give your Mom the benefit of the doubt and listen to her...and maybe ask your Dad.
After all it's his problem too...(and maybe he caused it...)
Take care [[[ ]]] good luck with your folks...

Answer 4

I don't want to alarm you however this sounds like my in-laws. She moved out while he was on a business trip. She actually claimed that my father-in-law was abusing her, found out later not true. 3 years later she will not speak to my husband and his brother or acknowledge our children. My father in law shot himself cause he found out she was cheating on him for many years. And to top it all off, we just finished going to court over the money he left for my children and his grandchildren...she got the money and they have nothing. Even though he requested it to go to them.
The law sucks.
In our area the only way we could get an evaluation done on her is if she attempted suicide or threatened it. She never did, so she played the poor widow and hurt woman and lives the life of a slut now. Sorry for not better thoughts from me, touches a sensitive part of my life.

Answer 5

Tough to decide for someone else if they need counseling. Ask her if she would consider counseling. Most people are quick to deny any need for this...unless they have some experience with it. Suggest going with her, first explaining to the counselor why you are doing this. The real question is probably whether she is happy, is functioning in society and coping with her issues. If she is, why the counseling? If she is not coping, not dealing with life's stresses, get her into counseling. Good luck.

Answer 6

honey, this is not erratic behavior....she wants out and away from your Dad....she's had enough. He is lucky she didn't take all the money. Mind your own business and stay out of your parent's marriage. Unless of course, you would like your parents to treat you this way when you get married.

Answer 7

In 2007, the people who are older mothers and stuff seem perfect for mental health. The thought of saying no to their own mind with a redundant medicine, actually works. I wonder about various trauma in people us newer folks can't even imagine. She'll love it. Sign her up.

Answer 8

yeah your mom is going through a very difficult time, it may be due to mental problems, sometimes people are afraid of aging, of getting older. its scary to them. all i can think is let her know you still love her that she is important and you won't leave her or stop loving her, i think she is looking for some kind of love.

Answer 9

Your father needs to get legal advice immediately.

Answer 10

Yes, get her an appointment somewhere. She needs it!